21st Dec 2009
Buy the Campaign Single, or the Girl gets it!
Simon Cowell is said to be disappointed that a new person is now controlling the charts in what could be the only correct use of irony since American teenagers decided to invent a new definition for it. Unbelievably, the public have bought in to this latest chart fixing with apparently lemming-esque abandon proving that the British single buying public are among the stupidest people on Earth, a likely side-effect of listening to too much Radio 1 – or more specifically, Edith Bowman (who presently holds the title of ‘Single Worst Person since Hitler Award’).
“Can you believe the absolute stupidity of the 1.5 million 5 year olds who are buying this crap?” said Hugh Smith, a shopper we collared for comment. “The Rage Against the Mechanic, or whatever, is nearly out of copyright it’s so old. And that Geordie kid is in over his head anyway – he’ll be a raving junkie before the year is out.” Several sensible people, a rare breed in modern Britain, pondered the eye-watering irony of a campaign to stop the X Factor winner from getting the top spot. To combat a single from being bought by mindless telly-addicts they pick a CD that everyone simply must buy, in effect we need a campaign to stop the 456 year old Rage Against the Twats song from being forced in to the airwaves. It’s like asking the Mongols to defeat the Nazis. …more
14th Dec 2009
Joe McElderry adjusts his Bra Strap
Removal workers tasked with emptying out the X Factor house have found what ITV spokesmen are calling ‘Educational Toys’ in Joe McElderry’s room. Joe McElderry, who last night won the X Factor, is said to be mortified but publicly he is distancing himself from allegations that the educational toys found were actually My Little Pony’s, a collection of hair dressing accessories and a dressing up kit.
This is not the first time educational toys have been at the centre of controversy. Last year there were 259 hospital admissions that were are due to ‘Educational Toy Insertion Trauma’, fortunatly nobody has died from this yet. It is thought the toys were a gift from Will Young who was said to be ‘very taken’ when meeting the boy at Cheryl Coles’ contestant selection.
Joe McElderry beat Olly Murrs in the final last night and is tipped to be almost as successful as Leon Jackson who presumably died shortly after winning the fourth season of the popular show. The single, called ‘Climb’ or something, will doubtless hit the number 1 spot despite a rather poor attempt from an internet campaign to usurp the Christmas number one position.
25th Nov 2009
John and Edward Compete for Dominance
John and Edward Grimes were said to be at each others throats last night over which of them sleeps with Jordan first. The irritating pair are clear favourites to be Jordan’s next conquest but are said to be fighting like cage fighters to be first in with the glamour model. David Attenborough has expressed his desire to film the rare mating ritual, but ITV have denied the leading figure in animal couplings access.
Rumours in various celebrity forums suggest that Jordan would not worry which of the high-barnetted brothers gets the gig as they are pretty much exactly the same. Nobody is even sure which of the brothers will come out on top as it is not fully understood which one is John and which is Edward. According to past girlfriends, of which there are 2, neither of the boys are blessed with anything approaching a normal penis.
The twins are currently locked in battle in a hotel room in London. The manager for the hotel, which we can’t name in case somebody tries to stop them killing each other, said “They’re trashing the room but ITV have assured me that they’ll pay handsomely for all the damage so long as I hand over the CCTV footage. Something about a new show called ‘Jedwapocalypse’ I think.”
Jordan will select the dominant male when the Irish mating ritual is completed. Meanwhile, the public live in fear of Jedward/Jordan offspring completely dominating Television and Celebrity magazines in a few years time.
23rd Nov 2009
John and Edward are out. Release the Tanks!
Britain is living in the grip of fear after John and Edward Grimes were released from the X Factor at the weekend. Jedward are now expected to be seen far more frequently on television shows now that they are no longer confined to quarantine which has led to wide spread panicking among the public.
The villagers of Shipton Bellinger, Wilts, have gone as far as to dismantle the Television aeriel and demolish incoming roads to prevent exposure to the Irish twins. One prominent resident told Band of Slugs “We aren’t taking any chances here, the children need to be protected from this evil. We are writing to the Government to provide aid and we have issued Simon Cowell with an ASBO for his role in creating this atrocity.”
ITV are expected to unleash the fantasist pair with a packed appearance schedule, taking in their daytime shows as well as a role in Coronation Street where the boys are expected to approximate a song and dance routine in the knicker factory.
Public order groups have requested the army are returned from overseas operations to patrol the streets with orders to shoot the twins on site if they are seen to be communicating in any way with scared Britons. …more
16th Nov 2009
Olly does a good job on the Twins
Olly Murs performed on X Factor with a broken finger at the weekend after violently beating the twins in the house the contestants share. Olly bravely put his injury to one side to perform brilliantly on Saturdays show and is still recovering.
The incident at the home flared when the Jedward twins insisted that they were better boxers than Ricky Hatton, Lennox Lewis or even Joe Callzaghe. Olly is alleged to have lost his temper and beat them with a piece of gym equipment. The X Factor PR machine moved quickly to insist that Olly’s injury was “merely a light-hearted accident, Olly accidentally punched a boxing bag stand and hilariously broke his finger. The twins are fine.”
Rumours from inside the house suggest that Olly was fed up of the Twins getting through week after week while the shows talents get routinely ejected. The safety of the twins will be thrown in to fresh doubt this week as Jamie was booted off the show, prompting many to ask “What’s the point anymore?”.
Meanwhile, Calvin Harris wasted a golden opportunity to punch one of the Jedward twins live on the X Factor on Saturday. The nation was briefly swept by a wave of hope when the lunatic jumped on stage while the annoying Irish children where ‘performing’ …more
09th Nov 2009
Simon Cowell is to be assassinated after pulling his trousers down and defecating on the British public from a significant height. He did this live on television on Sunday night. When given the opportunity to banish the unstable anti-talented twins he instead allowed the British public, who have been denied a proper education since 1997, to choose by going to the public vote. Lucy [Jones, is it?] scored the fewest votes and despite having more talent in one bum-spot than the twins could possibly muster in several lifetimes she got the boot.
The UK Government, headed byX Factor fan Gordon Brown who can’t write or spell correctly, will use public money to create a new show called “Britain’s Got Assassins” which will scour the four nations to find the most creative and destructive method of death for Simon Cowell. Stacey Soloman, from Dagenham, said “Look here, I’ll drop my immaculately cute and affable personality and get straight to business – Cowell has to go, and my vote would involve a pack of dogs, a big bag of salt and a swimming pool with a single, near-starved Killer Whale. It’d be quick but by God he’d know pain.” …more
05th Oct 2009
The most insufferable tossers in history, the X Factor twins, are leading favourites to be shot in front of millions of viewers. Louis Walsh, the tit who put them through, is also being lined up as a potential target although it is more likely he will simply be banished to Ireland where he can annoy his own people with mind-numbingly boring wankers instead.
Already tipped to become the most hated people ever, the X Factor twins were last night perfecting their helium-balloon ego’s and adding hair extensions to ensure their hair is as obnoxious as possible. They are number 4 in the most hated league under Hitler, Napoleon and Ashley Cole. …more
25th Sep 2009
Leonard Cohen was pelted with rocks and told in no uncertain terms to piss off in Israel last night after the crowd seemed shocked that Alexandra Burke, last years X Factor winner, had appeared to turn white, old and male.
The crowd were expecting Alexandra, an icon among Israelites and such is the feeling towards her that many have petitioned the Government there to replace the national anthem with ‘Hallelujah’, a song that was written entirely by Ms. Burke in 7 minutes on a tube train going from East Putney to Bayswater. …more
22nd Sep 2009
British men were last night bracing themselves for another week of head-buggery as they try to figure out whether the wife can watch Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor at the weekend. The dilemma emerged only when Strictly Come Dancing appointed top totty Alesha Dixon to the judges panel, rivalling Cheryl Cole on ITV’s X Factor. Confused British males have been congregating around pub table in discussions about which woman is their preferered fantasy TV judge – and there doesn’t appear to be a clear winner.
The two women are expected to wear increasingly attractive outfits in a bid to secure the male votes which will allow wives to tune in, prompting fears from police officials. PC Bob McTaggart said “As these women become more and more sexy with less and less clothes I expect men to find more difficult to come to the decision, which may mean that the wife cannot put either show on the TV. A situation that gives me cause for concern.” …more