Band of Slugs

England Too Good To Care About Wales

Charlotte Church would make a terrible Secretary

England are too busy with promiscuity to concern themselves with sporting events involving themselves and Wales it has been revealed.  In the last few days England have been drawn against the Welsh in the qualifying rounds for the 2012 European cup and have beaten the Welsh at what the valley-dwellers consider to be their best sport – short of gurning.

Having trained for a maximum of 20 minutes for the Twickenham spectacle on Saturday, England went on to indulge in heavy flirting and some bottom slapping in a busy London pub before casually turning up to beat Wales 30-odd to something or other.  The gaffer, MJ, said after the game “Yeah, I think it was the Nags Head or something, in Covent Garden, we was all in there and these lasses turned up so we thought we’d all cheat on our wives before the match like.  I was perfectly happy for the boys to do that as I had every confidence they’d beat Wales.”

Meanwhile, Fabio Capello has re-iterated his commitment to juicier scandal surrounding the English football team by announcing that any time training for the Wales game will be spent hiring new Secretaries instead with the whole team getting involved in the selection process.  John Terry, a world class fornicator, will lead the interviews and Fabio Capello will import some very attractive ladies from Italy for the try-outs. …more

Royal Navy Worlds Biggest Drug Dealer

Having stopped every single drug smuggler in the world it is now being asked ‘Why is there still Cocaine on the streets?’  The Royal Navy’s latest acquisition of £240 million of Cocaine is said to be its largest single haul and is expected to supply London for an estimated 3 hours on Friday night.

Concerned Britons were in uproar last night as it emerged the Royal Navy were selling it on to young London bankers, lawyers and estate agents to pay for new boats and submarines.  Kelly Rogers, a 35 year old virgin, yelled “WTF?!?  Aren’t they supposed to be getting rid of this stuff, as it is they’re making a bad situation even worse – I’m shocked and blame this entirely on Ed Balls for no other reason than I simply don’t like his face!”

Captain Cortez, of HMS Charlie, said “Argh me hearty!  We be getting these drugs to the bankers to blow their bonuses on as soon as the Government can count the cash to spend on Beer, Porn and Mars Bars.” …more

British Urged To Start Team building

The British, or is that United Kingdomers, have been urged by every religious and socially righteous group ever to stop bickering and start appreciating what each nation brings to the union.  Following a raft of disagreements over small matters such as which God is God, letting prisoners off with scores of murders or the subjugation of an entire culture all four home nations have been sent away for team building.

The Welsh are said to be in favour of the exercise and are prepared to write off the annexation of their nation in order to get along with the horrid English who in turn have said they are prepared to acknowledge the existence of their neighbours as a separate cultural identity instead of looking upon them as another county.

Scotland are less inclined to be in the same room as the English unless money and further transfers of power are forthcoming.  The English are unprepared to hand anymore over to the Scots citing figures which suggest Scotland’s flamboyance could bankrupt Essex, the primary investor in Scotland’s GDP.

Northern Ireland asked if their was any drinks on for later and insisted they handle afternoon tea and biscuits.  All nations agreed to this knowing that their Irish cousins were professional Tea and Biscuit providers.

England said “Do we have to sit in a room with those skirted gentleman and those rugby players.  The short people handing out tea are palatable, but Taffy and McTavish are sooooo aggressive, what’s their problem?”

Scotland replied “Och owie ya wee jobbies, ah’ll kin kull yeass bahstars.”

Scotland, I Want A Divorce

Previously it has always been thought that the Scots exist only to dislike the English despite being almost completely dependent upon English tax revenues to subsidise their own economy.  Now it seems they have turned on the US with the release of a nasty man who had been involved in the killing of a lot of people by blowing up an Aeroplane over Lockerbie.  Killing 270 people, 189 of whom were American. …more

27th Annual Slump in Standards

Labour were uniformly patting themselves on the back last night after another successful hoodwinking involving education standards and the rising number of utterly useless children being ejected from their extended kinder gartens, otherwise known as ‘colleges’.  As losing is not allowed under strict labour guidelines, all children are ritually handed out an ‘A Star’ and told to go to university where they can finally begin a process of preparing them for the real world. …more

WALES Resurgent after Ant Assault

WALES last night insisted that it is alive and well after reports linked its demise with Electric Ant Arsonists.  Possibly tens of English people were said to be mildly curious for not more than 20 seconds before forgetting about it and promptly getting on with job of pomposity.  WALES, Welsh Against Laudable  English Superiority, had thought to have been wiped out following the attack. …more

Electric Ant Arsonists Set Fire To Wales

It has emerged that a colony of fire ants have set fire to Wales, burning it to the ground. The previously undiscovered species of ant are attracted to electric currents in houses, and it is thought they simultaneously started fires in council houses in Swansea, Newport and Bangor.

Looking across the border from Ross On Wye, Charlie Stanbridge said “It looks like the ants set fire to the houses which in turn set fire to the vast coal reserves underground. The whole country just went up like a tinderbox.”

It is not clear whether the ants started it accidentally or if it was sparked by some deep seated racial issue. However, a respected ant expert commented “They clearly planned it, they all knew what they were doing, and they were probably trained by that Ayatollah Khoimeni or something.”

The ants are thought to be attracted to electric currents to an even greater degree than they are to food or water. Wales has an abundant supply of Honeydew aphids, the eating of which is the ants’ preferred activity, when they’re not torching Welsh housing estates.

Responding to the news Boris Johnson said “I’ve never been to Africa, but I’ve heard it’s really nice this time of year.”

After one of his assistants whispered something in his ear, he went on “I find it totally unacceptable that aunts have set fire to large sea mammals in this way, it’s a disgrace.”

Over in England an emergency investigation team has been set up in a PortaKabin round the back of Hereford Police HQ. The squad is expected to begin the investigation on Monday morning, because the fire started on Friday night and it was the weekend, like.

Owain Jones, the last Welsh person on the planet, said “Luckily I was over the border in Bristol on the lookout for unattended motor cars containing high specification stereos, when I saw it go up in flames. I was really shocked when I heard Bangor had gone up too – I didn’t think it had electricity put in yet.”