17th Nov 2009
Chancellor Obama gives the Chinese some shtick
Chancellor Obama had more than 1 billion people in hysterics last night as he unleashed his stand up comedy routine in China. In front of the TV cameras he rolled out a series of rib ticklers which included calls for China to give her people Internet freedom and human rights.
The Jesus-a-like proved to be a crowd pleaser going as far to mention that he’ll still sell weapons to Taiwan, a joke that was met with some heckling from the crowd. The Chancellor, in true stand-up tradition, soon took down the hecklers with an appeasing joke about the ownership of Tibet to much applause. The routine is now a favourite on Chinese state television, CCTV (seriously), and the viewing figures suggest every single man, woman and child in China has now watched it 2.3 times.
The highlight of the routine came when the Chancellor did his shtick on human rights. Obama started the gag with “So what’s the deal with human rights? You guys ever heard of that? No, me neither! What the hell happened to human lefts? Yeah, that’s right the weird ones, perhaps they’re all in Japan, eh?!” The hilarity didn’t stop there when Chancellor Obama moved on to Internet freedom in the communist state. “So I tried to Google myself in one of your Internet cafes yesterday. Pretty hard when you can’t Google anything at all, instead I got Baidu?! Baidu!? WTF! How do you make a verb out of that – ‘I Baidu-ed myself’, it just doesn’t sound right.”
Towards the end of his routine, Obama turned to the watching Communist party members and said “In America we have meetings and we exchange opinions and ideas. In China the communists idea of an exchange of opinion is that you turn up with yours and leave with theirs!”
04th Nov 2009
Having a history of saving the world from itself the US Government has been advised by senior military advisors to bring Democracy to the people of Britain. Chancellor Obama has been briefed on the plan which would see the United Kingdom as the first part of Federal Europe to be invaded.
The US has been appointed, by itself, to restore democracy to countries where terrorism is rife and has seen some successes in Iraq and Afghanistan. Iran had been intended to be the next target for liberty but its people have shown a willingness to revolt of their own accord, very unlike the British. The United Kingdom had once been a rich source of social empowerment but has since lost its will having become the fattest, laziest and illiterate country on Earth.
The US will initially target the west coast, likely landing in Wales and delivering a very American flavour of Freedom. England, and vitally London, will follow with Scotland to be left for Federal Europe to pay for …more
21st Oct 2009
NASA wheeled out their long awaited new rocket, Ares I-X, yesterday that will eventually launch men people back to the moon and onwards to Mars. The first outing of the new toy was tainted when an eagle eyed Japanese youth spotted old engines, apparently from used Honda cars.
NASA immediatly pulled the Ares I-X rocket back in to its hanger and issued all staff to remain silent on the matter. A spokesman for NASA briefly gave a statement saying “Hello. I’m not allowed to say anything. Goodbye.”
Rumours that the rocket is powered by old cars can not be confirmed however Band of Slugs resident space expert told us “Well the Ares I-X all based on Saturn V technology, so actually used Honda engines are probably better than rocket technology from the sixties. I knew NASA were relatively hard-up but this takes the biscuit!”
09th Oct 2009
Space-botherers NASA will today solve the international problem of coastal erosion by blowing up the Moon and preventing the worlds tidal motions. The plan has been in development for many years and this morning, with the destruction of the moon, people living along endangered coastal areas will see huge reductions in their insurance premiums.
The news has been welcomed by coastal communities across the globe with only a small number of Meteorologists, incomprehensible surfers and environmentalists expressing muted concern. …more
17th Sep 2009
The United States of America has it put its missile defence system on the shelf, a Czech Minister For Shelves divulged last night. A group of American officials picked the missile defence system up and carried it into special shelf building, where they put it on one of the empty shelves.
Rumours that the missile defence system would be shelved have been abound in recent weeks, with reports that a special team of Shelving Diplomats had flown to the Czech Republic last week.
This morning President Obama held a press conference, where he commented: “we have decided to shelve the missile defence system because CIA reports suggest that the Iranian’s missile launching capability is not as advanced as first thought. Our agents have discovered that the missile sites are made of cardboard and egg boxes, with the missiles themselves being constructed of paper-maché and wire.”
Sources in the White House have suggested that while Iran still poses a serious threat, it is perhaps only to the chain-smoking Iranian soldiers who guard the cardboard missile systems, as they pose a minor fire hazard.
Political commentators have said the United State’s missile defence system will probably stay on the shelf until it can be safely disposed of.
One high profile Republican commented “If Obama keeps shelving things then the shelf building will get full up and we might have another, much bigger one built – which would be fine because sometimes things need to get shelved, as happened in this case. It’s good to shelve things because if you want it later on you can just take it off the shelf again, and nuke the [poo] out of Iran or whatever.”