11th Feb 2010
How Greece might look under German ownership
Debt-ridden Greece has been put up for auction for a few Euros and Germany is expected to purchase the country and re-brand it as a health resort for aging Germans. Greece has been spending far more money that it earns which, as any school boy will tell you, eventually leads to an attempt to fake your own death. Since Greece can’t actually do that it will have to sell itself to the highest bidder.
The auction will go ahead today in Brussels where France and Germany are expected to compete against other EU countries for the deeds to the mediterranean state with Germany the favourites to walk away with the prize. The down side to the purchase will, of course, be the €250 billion in debt.
Germans are largely pleased with the news that they may find themselves with more land. Hanz Gerbeinschmit, of Herford, said “Ja, ich think zis ist gut. Ve can now go to Greece und have a sexy party mit uzer Germans. Ich suppose zat it vood not be too pleasant if zee Englanders vere allowed in to das neu German state. Nine, ich do not wanten zee Englanders zer at all.” …more
09th Dec 2009
Labour, on course to destroy the UK!
No. It can’t and it won’t. Alistair Darling will today announce a super tax on Bankers bonuses which will likely send every banker, and their £7 Billion annual tax contribution, packing to some nice European city to do their business. The impact of this on business finance is potentially very bad and yet Labour reacting to a crisis by waving another tax law at the top of the money tree. Not content with keeping the poor poor, Labour are seemingly trying to make the rich poor too.
Blame not the bankers for the mess we’re in – remember this government have whizzed nearly a fifth of a Trillion on this recession and we are the only G20 country still in recession. The government would have us believe that it’s business finance and the plundering of it that will save us. Wrong, it will dry up credit for smaller businesses that make up the lions share of employment in this country.
What is their problem? Communists. Plundering the Bankers wallets will have a negative effect on business finance as SMB’s will struggle to get the credit they need without banks taking a few risks. This government seems bent on destroying this country and there can be only one explanation – they’re French. …more
30th Nov 2009
"Give me a Franco/German Alliance over the English anyday!"
The SNP today outlined their ambitious plan to split the British union and to declare the EU as the new rulers of Scotland. In a chapter entitled “Our Ego Knows No Bounds” the SNP delivered a damning verdict on the Scottish people who run the historic union from Westminster in London and proposed that a Franco/German alliance might be better at running the show from their castle in Belgium.
Some Scots, who may have taken ‘Braveheart’ too seriously, are pleased that the SNP are driving through an agenda of change in the powers that control Scotland. Alistair McTavish, a Scottish person, said “Och aye, I cannee be bothahed aboot those english bastarts who kem here tee treat oor wimmen leek shite, d’yee knaa. Aye, Scotland tee the arseholes in Europe – it cannee be any wurse nee can it?”
English people are largely pleased with the plans, but are worried that they’ll still end up paying for the Scots through their bloated European bill. English groups have been set up to ask why they pay so much money to Scotland and why there are so many Scots running the show in London. Peter Smith, head of the ‘Where is all our Tax Money going?’ said “We are tantalisingly close to the answers. We are run by a load of sweaties, and we give a lot of money to them – the answer is on the tip of my tongue. Meanwhile, we have been wondering why the hell it’s the jocks who want a referendum on independence – why can’t the English have their say?”
Scotland are unlikely to get a vote on indepence as the SNP is in a minority, despite being in charge of things up there, and the other parties are aware that the country is effectively laughing all the way to the RBS, on English bail-out money, so long as they remain in the Union.
05th Nov 2009
Pierre Lellouche, a French person, has asked the British people to give him a good kicking in response to David Camerons promise to stop the EU from stealing the UK. Pierre Lellouche, which translates as ‘Peter the Shower-Dodger’, accused the British of being universally autistic, pathetic, sad and castrated before finishing his statement with “…and I would love it if the British came and give me a right good kicking.”
David Cameron and William Hague will promise to hold a referendum on which of the two MP’s will get to deliver the kicking and voters will be urged to pick the man who they believe will most enthusiastically hand out a royal standard beating to the French surrenderist.
William Hague is the bookies favourite after appearing on Sky News this morning to begin his campaign for the position of Chief French Beater. He said “And I call upon the British people to choose me to beat the little git. I’m from good northern stock so I know what it’s like to get drunk of a Friday night about the town and senselessly beat up another person. It’s the British way!” …more
04th Nov 2009
Having a history of saving the world from itself the US Government has been advised by senior military advisors to bring Democracy to the people of Britain. Chancellor Obama has been briefed on the plan which would see the United Kingdom as the first part of Federal Europe to be invaded.
The US has been appointed, by itself, to restore democracy to countries where terrorism is rife and has seen some successes in Iraq and Afghanistan. Iran had been intended to be the next target for liberty but its people have shown a willingness to revolt of their own accord, very unlike the British. The United Kingdom had once been a rich source of social empowerment but has since lost its will having become the fattest, laziest and illiterate country on Earth.
The US will initially target the west coast, likely landing in Wales and delivering a very American flavour of Freedom. England, and vitally London, will follow with Scotland to be left for Federal Europe to pay for …more
03rd Nov 2009
The Czechs have given the UK a green light to have a general election after signing away Europe-wide national sovereignty to an unelected supreme power known as the EU and preventing the British from being able to do anything about it. The Czechs were the last country to sign away their own right to absolute self-governance and will instead be merely a small council with limited ability to choose their own destiny. Europe as a continent will cease to exist on December 1st, Europe as a Monocracy will then begin.
The EU will now enforce their tyrannical will upon all member countries, usurp democracy by appointing a European President, piss in the face of every ‘EU Citizen’ by giving them a new national anthem, decide whether or not Great Britain goes to war on their behalf (having accepted advice that the French wouldn’t know their Aircraft carriers from their Bayonets) and will likely plunge Britain in to further economical desperation by snatching control of Europe-wide interest rates and pushing a number fit for Germany upon everyone else. …more
02nd Nov 2009
Every single man, woman and child in the former democracy of the United Kingdom would be better off sacking the puppet-governments national health insurance off and put some hard-earned, easily stolen money in to Health Insurance form private sources. …more
26th Oct 2009
Everyone in Britain is now hated by everyone else it was revealed last night. As more ‘workers’ get that right-on feeling most people are considering strike action for no reason other than to annoy everyone else, because they now hate them.
Everyone else is expected to hate them even more and it is expected to lead to those people hating everyone else ever so slightly more than everyone else hates them.
The only reasonable solution to this non-stop hate-fest, it is suggested, is a nice pint after work and a healthy dinner. Everyone would then be expected to wake up feeling a little less annoyed at everyone else leaving everyone else free to consider a period of reflection in the form of yogic exercises and/or moon worshipping.
09th Oct 2009
Space-botherers NASA will today solve the international problem of coastal erosion by blowing up the Moon and preventing the worlds tidal motions. The plan has been in development for many years and this morning, with the destruction of the moon, people living along endangered coastal areas will see huge reductions in their insurance premiums.
The news has been welcomed by coastal communities across the globe with only a small number of Meteorologists, incomprehensible surfers and environmentalists expressing muted concern. …more
07th Sep 2009
The recession is being blamed for a rise in credit crunch related naming of British offspring. Popular baby names such as ‘Jack’ and ‘Louise’ have been pushed down the top 10 with new parents opting for ‘Liebfraumilch’, ‘Diamond White’ and the increasingly popular ‘Lidl’ for their child’s monikers.
Former trends, such as naming a child after the city they were conceived in or the alcoholic drink that was blamed for the lapse in contraception, have changed with woman not drinking as much Chardonnay, men being unable to afford a Mercedes and nobody spending much time in posh cities abroad. New names reflect similar principles but as the recession bites Chardonnay has become ‘Lambrini’, Mercedes has become ‘Daewoo’ and where mums and dads may have spent a dirty weekend in Brooklyn it appears that ‘Coventry’ is now the weekend-away of choice.
New Parents Hollywood and Bugatti Smith from Hull said “We was buttered on Mad Dog while away in Runcorn, we called are little baby ‘Scratchings’ after the meal we had in the pub. ‘Scratchings’, it sounds quite Bavarian don’t you think?”
Kevin Farnsworth, who compiled the new list, said “It’s all very cyclical and often follows patterns of economic affluence, or otherwise these days. I’m sure that in a couple of years we’ll start congratulating people on the birth of a ‘Tesco’ until we’re all loaded again and Tesco will have a little sister called ‘Waitrose’. My money is on ‘Rightmove’ being the top name next year!”