05th Feb 2010
Even the Stuffed Toy has lost the will to live
Millions of Britons have been waking up this week to the sound of rich people being throttled and ‘singing’, without a hint of irony, about everybody hurting. These stars, who want for nothing and have staff to deal with any problem, are raining depression upon the British with their whiny, strangle-esque rendition of a very miserable track. The song is so miserable that the suicide rate in the UK has rocketed prompting many to ask “Why is this happening?”
Heart FM have added the song to their play-lists bringing the maximum number of songs you can hear in a 24 hour period on the commercial stations to 3 on continuous loop. In between broadcasts of a song about New York you can hear what can only be described as a woman being throttled and likely beaten – Simon Cowell calls this a charity single. Worse still the original is from the least happy band ever assembled – REM. The American depression-junkies are likely wetting themselves at the level of unhappiness spreading across Britain.
A campaign to ban the song, anybody involved and REM from the UK is preparing to launch a very miserable attack on Radio stations across the country. One organiser said “Well, I don’t really care about anything anymore but if I did I’d probably want everything to do with that charity single killed. …more
22nd Jan 2010
David Bowie hides in a corner and awaits Jedward's inevitable drug addiction
Legendary musician, David Bowie, is said to be maniacal after the news that Sony BMG have signed the world’s worst ‘musical’ duo since Milli Vanilli – the universally hated Jedward. Bowie, upon hearing of Jedward’s plans to release a version of the classic Bowie/Queen song ‘Under Pressure’, allegadly flew in to a rage and threw a lollipop at a group of passing Swedish tourists in a busy New York street. Friends of the iconic superstar said he remained in an unstable condition and fears remain that he could turn on visiting Irish people. One friend said “As far as Dave is concerned, the Irish are guilty by association”.
Sony have produced the equivalent of farting in the face of the entire planet by signing the talentless, obnoxious, simple and possibly inbred Irish twins and will market the hated pair to toddlers and American teenagers who have a mis-guided interpretation of irony. Simon Cowell, who had the chance to kill any interest in the hapless wasters, will feature the boys heavily in his forthcoming ‘charity’ single – a move which is sure to fire Bowie’s blood pressure through the roof. …more
21st Jan 2010
Cowell Expects to make millions out of the Haiti Disaster
Simon Cowell has vowed to restore flagging careers and make millions in profit by fast tracking a ‘charity’ single for the Haiti Relief fund. The pop guru is in contact with many failing and under-exposed pop stars to record an awful version of a terrible song and so far Cheryl Cole is the only confirmed desperado to become involved, but the list is potentially endless.
Will Young, Rick Waller, Shane Ward and Jedward are expected to take part with their fee’s being the only stumbling block. Waller had been tipped off that Ward could receive up to £35 for his inclusion in the money-spinner and it is said he became enraged and threatened to pull out of rehearsals unless his fee was raised to at least £30. Cowell himself is rumoured to be taking a cut of the profits, approximately 70%, which would mean the most that could be donated to Haiti relief wouldn’t exceed 0.2% of profits.
Simon Cowell has already instructed the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to waive VAT on the single to maximise profits which should mean that Simon Cowells dentist will finally get paid off for all that dazzling work he has done.
Cowells teeth became the subject of environmental outrage last week when it was speculated that 3% of all carbon emissions globally …more
12th Jan 2010
The designers of DOUCHE, scheduled for a long spell in jail.
Product Designers from around the country were left in horror last night as a concept product design came to life and opened fire on the judging panel. The Annual Product Design Awards were being held to celebrate British product design and to drum up business from overseas but an award winning design for a new remote control attack helicopter went tragically wrong and shot dead Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and some other bloke who nobody liked anyway.
Cowell, Holden and the other bloke were there to judge to the finalists in the Overall Best Product design category and were killed when the bookies favourite, Dreaded Ordinance Ubër Cannon Helicopter Enforcer – DOUCHE, malfunctioned and dispatched the three clean-of-teeth judges. Civilians present at the awards were not harmed but left in a state of shock and relief.
Thom Japton, a Batman fan, said “Yeah, it was like totally weird. One minute Cowell is banging on about wedding singers and the next this massive helicopter shot the lot of them. I’m a bit upset because it was quite messy but also a little happier ’cause I never liked them much anyway.” Organisers of the British Product Design Awards will refund all members of the public as a show of goodwill. …more
22nd Dec 2009
The SNP arrive in Court
Simon Cowell’s production company, Syco, is in line to head up the live politcal TV debates that will be aired next year featuring the three major political parties and possibly the vast girls blouse that is the SNP if their legal challenge to feature in the show is successful. Simon Cowell will likely be on the judging panel which could include Nick Griffen, Tony Benn and Joanna Lumley.
The three debates will take on a typical talent show format with the public voting off who they believe are the weakest with the winner to receive the keys to number 10. Nick Clegg, already second favourite to be booted off the show, said “Do you know how many women I have slept with? No?! It’s a lot, I can tell you. I also like to dress up as David Bowie and engage in heavy drinking sessions at parties. Invite me to yours! You won’t regret it.” When asked if he thought his Liberal Party could make in-roads with the live television debates he said “Well, not really. We’re the same party that thinks the Guardian is a text-book of popular social thought and opinion. We will effectively ban you from cars, pubs, Morrisons and eating pies. Seriously, would you vote for that?” …more
21st Dec 2009
Buy the Campaign Single, or the Girl gets it!
Simon Cowell is said to be disappointed that a new person is now controlling the charts in what could be the only correct use of irony since American teenagers decided to invent a new definition for it. Unbelievably, the public have bought in to this latest chart fixing with apparently lemming-esque abandon proving that the British single buying public are among the stupidest people on Earth, a likely side-effect of listening to too much Radio 1 – or more specifically, Edith Bowman (who presently holds the title of ‘Single Worst Person since Hitler Award’).
“Can you believe the absolute stupidity of the 1.5 million 5 year olds who are buying this crap?” said Hugh Smith, a shopper we collared for comment. “The Rage Against the Mechanic, or whatever, is nearly out of copyright it’s so old. And that Geordie kid is in over his head anyway – he’ll be a raving junkie before the year is out.” Several sensible people, a rare breed in modern Britain, pondered the eye-watering irony of a campaign to stop the X Factor winner from getting the top spot. To combat a single from being bought by mindless telly-addicts they pick a CD that everyone simply must buy, in effect we need a campaign to stop the 456 year old Rage Against the Twats song from being forced in to the airwaves. It’s like asking the Mongols to defeat the Nazis. …more
23rd Nov 2009
John and Edward are out. Release the Tanks!
Britain is living in the grip of fear after John and Edward Grimes were released from the X Factor at the weekend. Jedward are now expected to be seen far more frequently on television shows now that they are no longer confined to quarantine which has led to wide spread panicking among the public.
The villagers of Shipton Bellinger, Wilts, have gone as far as to dismantle the Television aeriel and demolish incoming roads to prevent exposure to the Irish twins. One prominent resident told Band of Slugs “We aren’t taking any chances here, the children need to be protected from this evil. We are writing to the Government to provide aid and we have issued Simon Cowell with an ASBO for his role in creating this atrocity.”
ITV are expected to unleash the fantasist pair with a packed appearance schedule, taking in their daytime shows as well as a role in Coronation Street where the boys are expected to approximate a song and dance routine in the knicker factory.
Public order groups have requested the army are returned from overseas operations to patrol the streets with orders to shoot the twins on site if they are seen to be communicating in any way with scared Britons. …more
16th Nov 2009
Olly does a good job on the Twins
Olly Murs performed on X Factor with a broken finger at the weekend after violently beating the twins in the house the contestants share. Olly bravely put his injury to one side to perform brilliantly on Saturdays show and is still recovering.
The incident at the home flared when the Jedward twins insisted that they were better boxers than Ricky Hatton, Lennox Lewis or even Joe Callzaghe. Olly is alleged to have lost his temper and beat them with a piece of gym equipment. The X Factor PR machine moved quickly to insist that Olly’s injury was “merely a light-hearted accident, Olly accidentally punched a boxing bag stand and hilariously broke his finger. The twins are fine.”
Rumours from inside the house suggest that Olly was fed up of the Twins getting through week after week while the shows talents get routinely ejected. The safety of the twins will be thrown in to fresh doubt this week as Jamie was booted off the show, prompting many to ask “What’s the point anymore?”.
Meanwhile, Calvin Harris wasted a golden opportunity to punch one of the Jedward twins live on the X Factor on Saturday. The nation was briefly swept by a wave of hope when the lunatic jumped on stage while the annoying Irish children where ‘performing’ …more
09th Nov 2009
Simon Cowell is to be assassinated after pulling his trousers down and defecating on the British public from a significant height. He did this live on television on Sunday night. When given the opportunity to banish the unstable anti-talented twins he instead allowed the British public, who have been denied a proper education since 1997, to choose by going to the public vote. Lucy [Jones, is it?] scored the fewest votes and despite having more talent in one bum-spot than the twins could possibly muster in several lifetimes she got the boot.
The UK Government, headed byX Factor fan Gordon Brown who can’t write or spell correctly, will use public money to create a new show called “Britain’s Got Assassins” which will scour the four nations to find the most creative and destructive method of death for Simon Cowell. Stacey Soloman, from Dagenham, said “Look here, I’ll drop my immaculately cute and affable personality and get straight to business – Cowell has to go, and my vote would involve a pack of dogs, a big bag of salt and a swimming pool with a single, near-starved Killer Whale. It’d be quick but by God he’d know pain.” …more
05th Oct 2009
The most insufferable tossers in history, the X Factor twins, are leading favourites to be shot in front of millions of viewers. Louis Walsh, the tit who put them through, is also being lined up as a potential target although it is more likely he will simply be banished to Ireland where he can annoy his own people with mind-numbingly boring wankers instead.
Already tipped to become the most hated people ever, the X Factor twins were last night perfecting their helium-balloon ego’s and adding hair extensions to ensure their hair is as obnoxious as possible. They are number 4 in the most hated league under Hitler, Napoleon and Ashley Cole. …more