30th Nov 2009
"Give me a Franco/German Alliance over the English anyday!"
The SNP today outlined their ambitious plan to split the British union and to declare the EU as the new rulers of Scotland. In a chapter entitled “Our Ego Knows No Bounds” the SNP delivered a damning verdict on the Scottish people who run the historic union from Westminster in London and proposed that a Franco/German alliance might be better at running the show from their castle in Belgium.
Some Scots, who may have taken ‘Braveheart’ too seriously, are pleased that the SNP are driving through an agenda of change in the powers that control Scotland. Alistair McTavish, a Scottish person, said “Och aye, I cannee be bothahed aboot those english bastarts who kem here tee treat oor wimmen leek shite, d’yee knaa. Aye, Scotland tee the arseholes in Europe – it cannee be any wurse nee can it?”
English people are largely pleased with the plans, but are worried that they’ll still end up paying for the Scots through their bloated European bill. English groups have been set up to ask why they pay so much money to Scotland and why there are so many Scots running the show in London. Peter Smith, head of the ‘Where is all our Tax Money going?’ said “We are tantalisingly close to the answers. We are run by a load of sweaties, and we give a lot of money to them – the answer is on the tip of my tongue. Meanwhile, we have been wondering why the hell it’s the jocks who want a referendum on independence – why can’t the English have their say?”
Scotland are unlikely to get a vote on indepence as the SNP is in a minority, despite being in charge of things up there, and the other parties are aware that the country is effectively laughing all the way to the RBS, on English bail-out money, so long as they remain in the Union.
12th Nov 2009
Bugger the people, we want more money say SFA & ECB
The Scottish Football Association, or at least their best attempt at one, and the English Cricket Board both came out to denounce government plans to allow all Britons, regardless of wealth, watch top sports on free-to-air TV channels.
The Scottish FA said of the plan to put all four nations home football matches on terrestrial channels to ensure everybody can enjoy the beautiful (adjective applies to English football only) game without having to pay for satellite equipment. A spokesman said “Och nay, ya shite-ing bastarts yee! Those arseholing jessies in their posh London hurmes divvunee have a clue aboot what we Scots want. We want to charge, through the nose, for our people tee watch the foootbal – populist nonsense, full o’ crap they are! Do they think our pensions and annual bonuses pay fer themsel’s? Let me tell yoo boy! They do not.”
Meanwhile the English Cricket Board (ECB) were far more intelligble and eloquent with their rebutal of the Governemnt plans. In the proposal the popular Ashes series, where England take on Austrailia for a week of Oz-based cheatery, is set to be broadcast for free. …more
14th Sep 2009
The famous Haggis maker McTaggart’s of Perth has been making moves to de-scotify its business, after fears have emerged of an anti-Scottish backlash by American consumers following the release of Alexander al-Megrahi. They are having to put vast unused quantities of haggis in self storage.
The news comes as some Americans have been pointing out that Alexander sounds like quite a Scottish name, and perhaps the Scottish are looking after their own. McTaggart’s has begun the process of changing its name as well as that of its major export – Haggis. Now ‘Smith’s Of Oxford’s Sheep’s Pudding’ will now be exported to the USA, where Mctaggart’s are hoping their American customers won’t notice the change.
It is thought by some economists that the extra Government revenues generated by the new oil deal with Libya (shh, no one knows, right?) will be cancelled out by the loss of export money from Haggis sales, frozen battered mars bar exports, and the real money spinning export – everyone’s favourite ambiguously-flavoured drink, IRN BRU.
And salmon sales to the USA have also dropped off to zero and are set to reduce further over the coming weeks. While all Scottish exports are suffering from the fall-out of the al-Megrahi episode, this fish has been particularly badly hit, sounding as it does suspiciously like the first minister of Scotland, Alexander Salmond. It does seem like this man (who shares the same first name with Al Megrahi, as it turns out) has made a bit of a boo boo.
Something smells a bit fishy about this entire episode, and any amount of de-Scotifying is unlikely to prevent the situation getting much worse for the Scottish economy.
02nd Sep 2009
The British, or is that United Kingdomers, have been urged by every religious and socially righteous group ever to stop bickering and start appreciating what each nation brings to the union. Following a raft of disagreements over small matters such as which God is God, letting prisoners off with scores of murders or the subjugation of an entire culture all four home nations have been sent away for team building.
The Welsh are said to be in favour of the exercise and are prepared to write off the annexation of their nation in order to get along with the horrid English who in turn have said they are prepared to acknowledge the existence of their neighbours as a separate cultural identity instead of looking upon them as another county.
Scotland are less inclined to be in the same room as the English unless money and further transfers of power are forthcoming. The English are unprepared to hand anymore over to the Scots citing figures which suggest Scotland’s flamboyance could bankrupt Essex, the primary investor in Scotland’s GDP.
Northern Ireland asked if their was any drinks on for later and insisted they handle afternoon tea and biscuits. All nations agreed to this knowing that their Irish cousins were professional Tea and Biscuit providers.
England said “Do we have to sit in a room with those skirted gentleman and those rugby players. The short people handing out tea are palatable, but Taffy and McTavish are sooooo aggressive, what’s their problem?”
Scotland replied “Och owie ya wee jobbies, ah’ll kin kull yeass bahstars.”
02nd Sep 2009
Scotland made a swift return to form yesterday and once again blamed England for everything that has ever gone wrong including the Megrahi scandal, arguably the worst decision this century. After documents were released that said British Prime Minister, an utterly Scottish person, did not want the UK’s worst murderer to die in jail Scotland’s first minister, Alex ‘Och I hate the English’ Salmond, insisted that the Scottish parliaments choice was justified and if it was at all wrong then critics should look no further than Westminster. Yes that Westminster, which is actually full to bursting with Scottish people.
Alex Salmond said “Nay point lookin’ this way pal, I’ll knock yer heed aff if you so much as look at me the wrong way. Och anyway, it was all the fault oo’ those bastart English reet …more
21st Aug 2009
Previously it has always been thought that the Scots exist only to dislike the English despite being almost completely dependent upon English tax revenues to subsidise their own economy. Now it seems they have turned on the US with the release of a nasty man who had been involved in the killing of a lot of people by blowing up an Aeroplane over Lockerbie. Killing 270 people, 189 of whom were American. …more