Band of Slugs

Chancellor Obama Crushes Hope & Dreams of Millions

Get excited about China, the US has chucked in the towel

Chancellor Obama declared inspiration and aspiration things of the past yesterday by scrapping NASA’s Constellation programme – a re-badged Apollo using 50 year old technology.  It throws in to doubt the ability for the United States to send humans in to space as the Space Shuttle has also been cancelled.  Constellation was to involve two rocket types, a small, light variant called Ares I which would take small loads and humans in to orbit and a heavy lifter called Ares V which could carry bigger loads and components for a Spacecraft to be built in orbit.  The US will now have to pay Russia to re-supply the International Space Station and lift satellites and probes in to orbit.

Chancellor Obama delivered an optimistic speech detailing the full extent of removing any point in actually having a space program while at the same time calling the moves ‘bold’, ‘visionary’ and ‘totally the right thing to do’.  Children across the world will now have to seek inspiration from Ben 10 or a cocktail of drink and drugs as there will be no more awe-inspiring adventures from NASA for the foreseeable future.

Critics of the cutbacks blame everything from sub-prime mortgages to the car industries inability to make a cheap, affordable and above all reliable flying car. …more

NASA To Use BMW Mini on Lunar Expedition

A Mini on the Moon

NASA have revealed plans to send a fleet of BMW Mini’s to the moon in preparation for planned human expeditions in the next decade.  The diminutive cars are said to be perfect for lunar roving with just minor adaptations and as the vehicles are so small it is thought the new ARES V could blast off with up to 5 Mini’s in cargo.  It echos the Mini advertisement campaign, which runs with the slogan “It’s a Mini Adventure”, but there’s nothing mini about these plans.

A spokesman for NASA said “I bought one the other day so I could comfortably drive on sidewalks to the office – I don’t like roads much, not enough space!  Geddit!  Space?  Not enough!”  BMW are preparing a special Mini Space Edition which will feature the modifications that NASA have requested.  These include Big Foot style wheels, a larger sun roof and tinted windows throughout.

New NASA Rocket Powered by Old Honda Engines

NASA wheeled out their long awaited new rocket, Ares I-X, yesterday that will eventually launch men people back to the moon and onwards to Mars.  The first outing of the new toy was tainted when an eagle eyed Japanese youth spotted old engines, apparently from used Honda cars.

NASA immediatly pulled the Ares I-X rocket back in to its hanger and issued all staff to remain silent on the matter.  A spokesman for NASA briefly gave a statement saying “Hello.  I’m not allowed to say anything.  Goodbye.”

Rumours that the rocket is powered by old cars can not be confirmed however Band of Slugs resident space expert told us “Well the Ares I-X all based on Saturn V technology, so actually used Honda engines are probably better than rocket technology from the sixties.  I knew NASA were relatively hard-up but this takes the biscuit!”

NASA Solves Problem of Coastal Erosion

Space-botherers NASA will today solve the international problem of coastal erosion by blowing up the Moon and preventing the worlds tidal motions.  The plan has been in development for many years and this morning, with the destruction of the moon, people living along endangered coastal areas will see huge reductions in their insurance premiums.

The news has been welcomed by coastal communities across the globe with only a small number of Meteorologists, incomprehensible surfers  and environmentalists expressing muted concern. …more