22nd Jan 2010
David Bowie hides in a corner and awaits Jedward's inevitable drug addiction
Legendary musician, David Bowie, is said to be maniacal after the news that Sony BMG have signed the world’s worst ‘musical’ duo since Milli Vanilli – the universally hated Jedward. Bowie, upon hearing of Jedward’s plans to release a version of the classic Bowie/Queen song ‘Under Pressure’, allegadly flew in to a rage and threw a lollipop at a group of passing Swedish tourists in a busy New York street. Friends of the iconic superstar said he remained in an unstable condition and fears remain that he could turn on visiting Irish people. One friend said “As far as Dave is concerned, the Irish are guilty by association”.
Sony have produced the equivalent of farting in the face of the entire planet by signing the talentless, obnoxious, simple and possibly inbred Irish twins and will market the hated pair to toddlers and American teenagers who have a mis-guided interpretation of irony. Simon Cowell, who had the chance to kill any interest in the hapless wasters, will feature the boys heavily in his forthcoming ‘charity’ single – a move which is sure to fire Bowie’s blood pressure through the roof. …more
25th Nov 2009
John and Edward Compete for Dominance
John and Edward Grimes were said to be at each others throats last night over which of them sleeps with Jordan first. The irritating pair are clear favourites to be Jordan’s next conquest but are said to be fighting like cage fighters to be first in with the glamour model. David Attenborough has expressed his desire to film the rare mating ritual, but ITV have denied the leading figure in animal couplings access.
Rumours in various celebrity forums suggest that Jordan would not worry which of the high-barnetted brothers gets the gig as they are pretty much exactly the same. Nobody is even sure which of the brothers will come out on top as it is not fully understood which one is John and which is Edward. According to past girlfriends, of which there are 2, neither of the boys are blessed with anything approaching a normal penis.
The twins are currently locked in battle in a hotel room in London. The manager for the hotel, which we can’t name in case somebody tries to stop them killing each other, said “They’re trashing the room but ITV have assured me that they’ll pay handsomely for all the damage so long as I hand over the CCTV footage. Something about a new show called ‘Jedwapocalypse’ I think.”
Jordan will select the dominant male when the Irish mating ritual is completed. Meanwhile, the public live in fear of Jedward/Jordan offspring completely dominating Television and Celebrity magazines in a few years time.
23rd Nov 2009
John and Edward are out. Release the Tanks!
Britain is living in the grip of fear after John and Edward Grimes were released from the X Factor at the weekend. Jedward are now expected to be seen far more frequently on television shows now that they are no longer confined to quarantine which has led to wide spread panicking among the public.
The villagers of Shipton Bellinger, Wilts, have gone as far as to dismantle the Television aeriel and demolish incoming roads to prevent exposure to the Irish twins. One prominent resident told Band of Slugs “We aren’t taking any chances here, the children need to be protected from this evil. We are writing to the Government to provide aid and we have issued Simon Cowell with an ASBO for his role in creating this atrocity.”
ITV are expected to unleash the fantasist pair with a packed appearance schedule, taking in their daytime shows as well as a role in Coronation Street where the boys are expected to approximate a song and dance routine in the knicker factory.
Public order groups have requested the army are returned from overseas operations to patrol the streets with orders to shoot the twins on site if they are seen to be communicating in any way with scared Britons. …more
16th Nov 2009
Olly does a good job on the Twins
Olly Murs performed on X Factor with a broken finger at the weekend after violently beating the twins in the house the contestants share. Olly bravely put his injury to one side to perform brilliantly on Saturdays show and is still recovering.
The incident at the home flared when the Jedward twins insisted that they were better boxers than Ricky Hatton, Lennox Lewis or even Joe Callzaghe. Olly is alleged to have lost his temper and beat them with a piece of gym equipment. The X Factor PR machine moved quickly to insist that Olly’s injury was “merely a light-hearted accident, Olly accidentally punched a boxing bag stand and hilariously broke his finger. The twins are fine.”
Rumours from inside the house suggest that Olly was fed up of the Twins getting through week after week while the shows talents get routinely ejected. The safety of the twins will be thrown in to fresh doubt this week as Jamie was booted off the show, prompting many to ask “What’s the point anymore?”.
Meanwhile, Calvin Harris wasted a golden opportunity to punch one of the Jedward twins live on the X Factor on Saturday. The nation was briefly swept by a wave of hope when the lunatic jumped on stage while the annoying Irish children where ‘performing’ …more