05th Feb 2010
Even the Stuffed Toy has lost the will to live
Millions of Britons have been waking up this week to the sound of rich people being throttled and ‘singing’, without a hint of irony, about everybody hurting. These stars, who want for nothing and have staff to deal with any problem, are raining depression upon the British with their whiny, strangle-esque rendition of a very miserable track. The song is so miserable that the suicide rate in the UK has rocketed prompting many to ask “Why is this happening?”
Heart FM have added the song to their play-lists bringing the maximum number of songs you can hear in a 24 hour period on the commercial stations to 3 on continuous loop. In between broadcasts of a song about New York you can hear what can only be described as a woman being throttled and likely beaten – Simon Cowell calls this a charity single. Worse still the original is from the least happy band ever assembled – REM. The American depression-junkies are likely wetting themselves at the level of unhappiness spreading across Britain.
A campaign to ban the song, anybody involved and REM from the UK is preparing to launch a very miserable attack on Radio stations across the country. One organiser said “Well, I don’t really care about anything anymore but if I did I’d probably want everything to do with that charity single killed. …more
21st Jan 2010
Cowell Expects to make millions out of the Haiti Disaster
Simon Cowell has vowed to restore flagging careers and make millions in profit by fast tracking a ‘charity’ single for the Haiti Relief fund. The pop guru is in contact with many failing and under-exposed pop stars to record an awful version of a terrible song and so far Cheryl Cole is the only confirmed desperado to become involved, but the list is potentially endless.
Will Young, Rick Waller, Shane Ward and Jedward are expected to take part with their fee’s being the only stumbling block. Waller had been tipped off that Ward could receive up to £35 for his inclusion in the money-spinner and it is said he became enraged and threatened to pull out of rehearsals unless his fee was raised to at least £30. Cowell himself is rumoured to be taking a cut of the profits, approximately 70%, which would mean the most that could be donated to Haiti relief wouldn’t exceed 0.2% of profits.
Simon Cowell has already instructed the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to waive VAT on the single to maximise profits which should mean that Simon Cowells dentist will finally get paid off for all that dazzling work he has done.
Cowells teeth became the subject of environmental outrage last week when it was speculated that 3% of all carbon emissions globally …more
14th Jan 2010
The British. Always first to the post with charity donations which, considering we’re all skint, is an outstanding testament to the British character. No matter the cause, so long as it is worthy of course, we’ll dig deep to help those affected and we can all be proud of our achievements when it comes to giving. There are two well publicised means by which we British donate, that is Government Aid and our own pockets, but we should be more aware of how business finance donations.
It’s all good and well the public dipping in to their hard earned wages and the government getting the vote-factor by sending of millions in tax revenues but businesses should be profiling their own charitable donations to allow the public a break from their guilt. If business were to finance large donations in the name of the country then the public could feel somewhat better about holding on to their cash and spending it here. That may come across as an excuse for the public not to bother helping people out but the point is not to reduce the amount we give in aid, but to force the hand of business to relieve the stresses on the already stretched public. …more