20th Jan 2010
Gordon Brown Plans to Reform the Reception Furniture Industry
Gordon Brown has already began taking offers for a new job after he resigns from politics following an expected humiliation at the ballot box later this year. With every poll now predicting a Conservative win in the next General election it is left for the Scottish bruiser to begin listening to job offers. Top of the list for the outgoing Prime Minister is a chairman’s role at a leading Reception furniture company.
With offers thin on the ground it has become apparent that a number of smaller companies have taken advantage of the PMs situation by offering him a reduced salary position at the top of their tables. The Reception furniture company in question is already a supplier to number 10 and recently made the proposal to Mr. Brown. Close aides to the nations leader have already said that he is willing to listen to any offer and even some leading conservatives are considering him for a position in one of their many businesses.
The only likely way out for Gordon will be a coalition agreement with the Liberal Democrats but this is unlikely to win public favour and Nick Clegg has privately laughed off the idea. Clegg allegedly said on a Sunday morning discussion program (possibly the Andrew Marr Show) that he’d rather dine with some rich people than share government with “that oafish ne’er do well”. Clegg himself has interest in a reception furniture company and has ruled out the idea of poaching the PMs skills for his own business. …more
22nd Dec 2009
The SNP arrive in Court
Simon Cowell’s production company, Syco, is in line to head up the live politcal TV debates that will be aired next year featuring the three major political parties and possibly the vast girls blouse that is the SNP if their legal challenge to feature in the show is successful. Simon Cowell will likely be on the judging panel which could include Nick Griffen, Tony Benn and Joanna Lumley.
The three debates will take on a typical talent show format with the public voting off who they believe are the weakest with the winner to receive the keys to number 10. Nick Clegg, already second favourite to be booted off the show, said “Do you know how many women I have slept with? No?! It’s a lot, I can tell you. I also like to dress up as David Bowie and engage in heavy drinking sessions at parties. Invite me to yours! You won’t regret it.” When asked if he thought his Liberal Party could make in-roads with the live television debates he said “Well, not really. We’re the same party that thinks the Guardian is a text-book of popular social thought and opinion. We will effectively ban you from cars, pubs, Morrisons and eating pies. Seriously, would you vote for that?” …more
12th Nov 2009
David Cameron has been consulting various tradesmen about his vision for 10 Downing Street ahead of his expected move next year. After winning the general election Mister Cameron is expected to install a swimming pool, loft insulation and double glazing to the front of the house. Top of the agenda for the Tory leader is underfloor heating in the kitchen where it is said the slate tiled floor can get a bit chilly in the winter.
A source close to the future prime minister said “He loves all that eco nonsense but when it comes to his house he’s all about the mod-cons! What sort of country can we call this if the leader doesn’t have a swimming pool or underfloor heating?” When asked what, if any, considerations were being made to make the famous house more environmentally friendly he told us “Well he wants one of those Dyson Airblades! He loves them, everyone does. They use less power to dry your hands so I suppose that’s a bit of good news for the tree huggers.”
Meanwhile, 3 van loads of paper shredders have been delivered to No. 10. It is not known what their purpose is but some have speculated that they are intended to create shredding for the Gordon browns hamsters.
09th Nov 2009
Simon Cowell is to be assassinated after pulling his trousers down and defecating on the British public from a significant height. He did this live on television on Sunday night. When given the opportunity to banish the unstable anti-talented twins he instead allowed the British public, who have been denied a proper education since 1997, to choose by going to the public vote. Lucy [Jones, is it?] scored the fewest votes and despite having more talent in one bum-spot than the twins could possibly muster in several lifetimes she got the boot.
The UK Government, headed byX Factor fan Gordon Brown who can’t write or spell correctly, will use public money to create a new show called “Britain’s Got Assassins” which will scour the four nations to find the most creative and destructive method of death for Simon Cowell. Stacey Soloman, from Dagenham, said “Look here, I’ll drop my immaculately cute and affable personality and get straight to business – Cowell has to go, and my vote would involve a pack of dogs, a big bag of salt and a swimming pool with a single, near-starved Killer Whale. It’d be quick but by God he’d know pain.” …more
23rd Sep 2009
Far from being the dour Scots man he has been marketed as it seems Gordon Brown is a coward of French proportions. Last night word spread of Monsieur Browns willingness to take Britain’s best defence and strongest deterrent and bin it. France are expected to become the new Britain while Britons get used to being dull, cowardly and pusillanimous – but never arrogant. …more
02nd Sep 2009
Scotland made a swift return to form yesterday and once again blamed England for everything that has ever gone wrong including the Megrahi scandal, arguably the worst decision this century. After documents were released that said British Prime Minister, an utterly Scottish person, did not want the UK’s worst murderer to die in jail Scotland’s first minister, Alex ‘Och I hate the English’ Salmond, insisted that the Scottish parliaments choice was justified and if it was at all wrong then critics should look no further than Westminster. Yes that Westminster, which is actually full to bursting with Scottish people.
Alex Salmond said “Nay point lookin’ this way pal, I’ll knock yer heed aff if you so much as look at me the wrong way. Och anyway, it was all the fault oo’ those bastart English reet …more
17th Aug 2009
WALES last night insisted that it is alive and well after reports linked its demise with Electric Ant Arsonists. Possibly tens of English people were said to be mildly curious for not more than 20 seconds before forgetting about it and promptly getting on with job of pomposity. WALES, Welsh Against Laudable English Superiority, had thought to have been wiped out following the attack. …more