11th Feb 2010
How Greece might look under German ownership
Debt-ridden Greece has been put up for auction for a few Euros and Germany is expected to purchase the country and re-brand it as a health resort for aging Germans. Greece has been spending far more money than it earns which, as any school boy will tell you, eventually leads to an attempt to fake your own death. Since Greece can’t actually do that it will have to sell itself to the highest bidder.
The auction will go ahead today in Brussels where France and Germany are expected to compete against other EU countries for the deeds to the mediterranean state with Germany the favourites to walk away with the prize. The down side to the purchase will, of course, be the €250 billion in debt.
Germans are largely pleased with the news that they may find themselves with more land. Hanz Gerbeinschmit, of Herford, said “Ja, ich think zis ist gut. Ve can now go to Greece und have a sexy party mit uzer Germans. Ich suppose zat it vood not be too pleasant if zee Englanders vere allowed in to das neu German state. Nine, ich do not wanten zee Englanders zer at all.” …more
19th Nov 2009
Thiery Henry needed to cheat to beat the Irish. How crap are the French?
The age old cliche ‘The Luck of the Irish’ was finally killed off yesterday and replaced with the more accurate ‘The Luck of the French’. An amendment will be made to the Queens speech to add the ‘Luck of the Irish Bill’ which will now ban any reference to the Irish being anything other than drunk and certainly not lucky. A second extra Bill will seek to change all occurrences in any media of the Irish being lucky to the French being “lucky and smelly”.
While the Irish football team are hardly any good, the French needed Argentinian-style cheatery to put them to the sword. Thiery Henry displayed dazzling abilities last night to put the woefully sub-average Irish out of next years World Cup last night. The French superstar sensationally used all his prowess to perform an undetected double-handball and setup his team mate for the winning goal.
The former Arsenal striker used his left to control the ball twice in rapid succession leaving confused English people to wonder if they cared at all. Jurgen Klausmieyer, an English person, said “I really don’t know how to feel. On the one hand I couldn’t care less but on the other I feel I should be really patronising and offer exaggerated sympathies to the Irish. Ahh, the poor little Irish got knocked out by le frogs, diddums!”
UK News outlets had filled their airwaves and presses with a campaign of utterly false and near embarrassing unity with a nation that has ridden her luck for too long. Jacquie Beltrao, a Sky New anchor for Sports, seemed almost motherly this morning and talked in baby-tones as she said “The poor ickle Irish getting bullied by the nasty-wasty French, there there, paddy-poo. We made you this pretty certificate of merit and were going to give you all gold stars. Ain’t that nice. Yeah.”
05th Nov 2009
Pierre Lellouche, a French person, has asked the British people to give him a good kicking in response to David Camerons promise to stop the EU from stealing the UK. Pierre Lellouche, which translates as ‘Peter the Shower-Dodger’, accused the British of being universally autistic, pathetic, sad and castrated before finishing his statement with “…and I would love it if the British came and give me a right good kicking.”
David Cameron and William Hague will promise to hold a referendum on which of the two MP’s will get to deliver the kicking and voters will be urged to pick the man who they believe will most enthusiastically hand out a royal standard beating to the French surrenderist.
William Hague is the bookies favourite after appearing on Sky News this morning to begin his campaign for the position of Chief French Beater. He said “And I call upon the British people to choose me to beat the little git. I’m from good northern stock so I know what it’s like to get drunk of a Friday night about the town and senselessly beat up another person. It’s the British way!” …more
23rd Sep 2009
Far from being the dour Scots man he has been marketed as it seems Gordon Brown is a coward of French proportions. Last night word spread of Monsieur Browns willingness to take Britain’s best defence and strongest deterrent and bin it. France are expected to become the new Britain while Britons get used to being dull, cowardly and pusillanimous – but never arrogant. …more
26th Aug 2009
West Ham and Millwall fans last night forgot about their football rivalry and decided instead to wave their handbags at each other in a French manner. The action was welcomed by the Football Association who are keen to continentalise English football and make it as dreary and pointless as the French and German leagues.
Fans forgot all about the Carling Cup match between their teams and came to the match with their best handbags in a bid to out-handbag their rivals. West Ham Handbag fancier Steven Smith said “Awight! Yeah mate, it was all like never mind the soddin’ football, lets get out our biggest, most celebrity-esque handbags and really show those Millwall boys who’s got the best snakeskin over-the-shoulder. Actually, there were some really special bags out there today, it’s all the rage in France you know.” …more
21st Jul 2009
A friend recently accused me of looking round the choosing the first thing I clapped eyes on to do a blog post about. In order to refute this allegation, this post is about raindrops. OK, it was a bit drizzly this morning.
But in reality, a French university (Aix-Marseille) have been investigating the raindrop in all it’s thrilling complexity. You can’t accuse the French of scraping the barrel when it comes to research. Apparently, raindrops kind of balloon out whilst falling and then disintegrate into tiny drops. This news is likely to change the course of all raindrop research, probably forever.
It seems a shame that the only country that’s actually famous for rain (that’s us) hasn’t managed to pioneer this research first. The French probably just did it to annoy us. But I have to hand it them, they’ve produced some pretty fabulous footage of raindrops falling.
Not only have our friends across the channel started creating black holes underground (with their particle accellerator thing), but they’ve also uncovered the final mysteries of the raindrop.
Is nothing sacred?