09th Feb 2010
Southend United Players warm up for their big failure last night
Amazing scenes in Colchester last night as it was revealed that Southend United players cannot even kick a slow moving football. The incident was greeted with a mixture of shock and awe at the complete inability for defender Adam Barrett to perform the simplest of footballing tasks, connecting a foot with a ball, to prevent a slow and utterly forgiving shot from crossing the line for Colchester United’s first goal. Fans behind the goal seemed unable to believe what they had seen, some cheered because the net wobbled slightly, some looked around to see what everyone else thought while a few merely carried on rubbing their hands and trying desperately to keep warm.
Southend are expected to withdraw from all Football tournaments in the wake of their pathetic display while the town itself will begin to demolish Roots Hall and use the space to create a new Chess Club. Local resident David Westaway said “I like the idea of a Chess Club. I have a season ticket for Southend United but it’s pretty worthless now. I’ve been trading on beating Manchester United in the League Cup for a couple of years now and all that got wiped out last night when we all realised we can’t play football. Yep, Chess seems like a very good idea right now.” …more
08th Feb 2010
Charlotte Church would make a terrible Secretary
England are too busy with promiscuity to concern themselves with sporting events involving themselves and Wales it has been revealed. In the last few days England have been drawn against the Welsh in the qualifying rounds for the 2012 European cup and have beaten the Welsh at what the valley-dwellers consider to be their best sport – short of gurning.
Having trained for a maximum of 20 minutes for the Twickenham spectacle on Saturday, England went on to indulge in heavy flirting and some bottom slapping in a busy London pub before casually turning up to beat Wales 30-odd to something or other. The gaffer, MJ, said after the game “Yeah, I think it was the Nags Head or something, in Covent Garden, we was all in there and these lasses turned up so we thought we’d all cheat on our wives before the match like. I was perfectly happy for the boys to do that as I had every confidence they’d beat Wales.”
Meanwhile, Fabio Capello has re-iterated his commitment to juicier scandal surrounding the English football team by announcing that any time training for the Wales game will be spent hiring new Secretaries instead with the whole team getting involved in the selection process. John Terry, a world class fornicator, will lead the interviews and Fabio Capello will import some very attractive ladies from Italy for the try-outs. …more
03rd Feb 2010
Fabio Capello is not a man you want to annoy.
Fabio Capello will consider his methods for punishing John Terry today. It is widely expected that the Godfather of English football will choose a Gangland style execution but this would require the Queen to step in and prevent Fabio Capello from being prosecuted for murder. Execution style will leave less evidence and could not be traced back to the England manager and this form of punishment is most likely.
John Terry will learn his fate today and it is thought that Wayne Bridge has volunteered his services following a crash course in assassination, theory and practice. Bridge, a former friend of Terry, said “I’ve just completed degrees in both Assassination Theory and Effective Assassination Practices so I’m well prepared should the Gaffer call me up. I’ve got a lot to offer now, I’ve improved my aim, my form looks good and I firmly believe that I’m now unplayable.” When asked to clarify what ‘unplayable’ is supposed to mean Bridge said “I dunno, managers say it a lot on Match of the Day so I guess it’s good, right?”
Capello is rumoured to have requested immunity from prosecution by writing to the Queen, who he mistakenly believes can let him off any hook he manages to wind up on. A source close to Capello said “ee no like-a da Terry. Ee’s a biga fana of tha, how yo say, monogamio – where you are only sleeping with the one girl. Ee no like-a da Birlesconi, ee think maybe that ee ‘as had a bad impressionano on John Terry – maybe Mister Terry thinka it’s okay to sleep with anything in a skirt-a?”
John Terry is likely to be shot at aproximatley 1500hrs today.
29th Jan 2010
Moment of impact! A Car Tyre strikes Craig Bellamy
Greater Manchester Police have announced that a number of fans have been charged for throwing tyres at City forward Craig Bellamy. Fans at Wednesday’s Manchester derby will remember the slightly comical scene of a section of fans throwing tyres at Manchester City striker Craig Bellamy. The Welsh forward is frequently regarded as the most annoying man in Football, superseding the ever unpopular Robbie Savage.
The fans will appear in court today and will likely face a ban from football stadiums and a community service order expected to approach 100 hours. Demonstrations have already began with many fans calling for a clause in the law to allow large objects to be thrown at Craig Bellamy. Hal Jordan, founder of campaign group ‘Bellamy’s Fair Game’, said “What has this country become if we can’t even chuck a few tractor tyres at that [man], it’s time for a change in the law!”
Football has been trying to clean itself up in recent years and has largely succeeded but this latest incident could set the campaign back. Bruce Wayne, a spokesman for the Football Association, said “We’ve been working really hard to prevent this sort of behaviour at games but it seems a few fans took no notice of our efforts and threw some car tyres at that chap with no neck. …more
19th Nov 2009
Thiery Henry needed to cheat to beat the Irish. How crap are the French?
The age old cliche ‘The Luck of the Irish’ was finally killed off yesterday and replaced with the more accurate ‘The Luck of the French’. An amendment will be made to the Queens speech to add the ‘Luck of the Irish Bill’ which will now ban any reference to the Irish being anything other than drunk and certainly not lucky. A second extra Bill will seek to change all occurrences in any media of the Irish being lucky to the French being “lucky and smelly”.
While the Irish football team are hardly any good, the French needed Argentinian-style cheatery to put them to the sword. Thiery Henry displayed dazzling abilities last night to put the woefully sub-average Irish out of next years World Cup last night. The French superstar sensationally used all his prowess to perform an undetected double-handball and setup his team mate for the winning goal.
The former Arsenal striker used his left to control the ball twice in rapid succession leaving confused English people to wonder if they cared at all. Jurgen Klausmieyer, an English person, said “I really don’t know how to feel. On the one hand I couldn’t care less but on the other I feel I should be really patronising and offer exaggerated sympathies to the Irish. Ahh, the poor little Irish got knocked out by le frogs, diddums!”
UK News outlets had filled their airwaves and presses with a campaign of utterly false and near embarrassing unity with a nation that has ridden her luck for too long. Jacquie Beltrao, a Sky New anchor for Sports, seemed almost motherly this morning and talked in baby-tones as she said “The poor ickle Irish getting bullied by the nasty-wasty French, there there, paddy-poo. We made you this pretty certificate of merit and were going to give you all gold stars. Ain’t that nice. Yeah.”
12th Nov 2009
Bugger the people, we want more money say SFA & ECB
The Scottish Football Association, or at least their best attempt at one, and the English Cricket Board both came out to denounce government plans to allow all Britons, regardless of wealth, watch top sports on free-to-air TV channels.
The Scottish FA said of the plan to put all four nations home football matches on terrestrial channels to ensure everybody can enjoy the beautiful (adjective applies to English football only) game without having to pay for satellite equipment. A spokesman said “Och nay, ya shite-ing bastarts yee! Those arseholing jessies in their posh London hurmes divvunee have a clue aboot what we Scots want. We want to charge, through the nose, for our people tee watch the foootbal – populist nonsense, full o’ crap they are! Do they think our pensions and annual bonuses pay fer themsel’s? Let me tell yoo boy! They do not.”
Meanwhile the English Cricket Board (ECB) were far more intelligble and eloquent with their rebutal of the Governemnt plans. In the proposal the popular Ashes series, where England take on Austrailia for a week of Oz-based cheatery, is set to be broadcast for free. …more
26th Aug 2009
West Ham and Millwall fans last night forgot about their football rivalry and decided instead to wave their handbags at each other in a French manner. The action was welcomed by the Football Association who are keen to continentalise English football and make it as dreary and pointless as the French and German leagues.
Fans forgot all about the Carling Cup match between their teams and came to the match with their best handbags in a bid to out-handbag their rivals. West Ham Handbag fancier Steven Smith said “Awight! Yeah mate, it was all like never mind the soddin’ football, lets get out our biggest, most celebrity-esque handbags and really show those Millwall boys who’s got the best snakeskin over-the-shoulder. Actually, there were some really special bags out there today, it’s all the rage in France you know.” …more
18th Aug 2009
Football thespians around the country took to the streets this morning to round up nancy Rugby Actors and give them a good drubbing following Tom Williams’ terrible acting in Harlequins Heineken Cup quarter final against Leinster.
Wearing a tutu, short shorts and high heels Williams used a comedy blood capsule purchased from a Roger Tuckers, 8 from Sunderland’s St. Lawrence Primary School, to get himself taken off the field so a different big girls blouse could then run on to hold the genitals of another man. …more