11th Feb 2010
How Greece might look under German ownership
Debt-ridden Greece has been put up for auction for a few Euros and Germany is expected to purchase the country and re-brand it as a health resort for aging Germans. Greece has been spending far more money that it earns which, as any school boy will tell you, eventually leads to an attempt to fake your own death. Since Greece can’t actually do that it will have to sell itself to the highest bidder.
The auction will go ahead today in Brussels where France and Germany are expected to compete against other EU countries for the deeds to the mediterranean state with Germany the favourites to walk away with the prize. The down side to the purchase will, of course, be the €250 billion in debt.
Germans are largely pleased with the news that they may find themselves with more land. Hanz Gerbeinschmit, of Herford, said “Ja, ich think zis ist gut. Ve can now go to Greece und have a sexy party mit uzer Germans. Ich suppose zat it vood not be too pleasant if zee Englanders vere allowed in to das neu German state. Nine, ich do not wanten zee Englanders zer at all.” …more
05th Jan 2010
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero is a myth, Mr Bean is running Spain
As unexpected, the Spanish Prime Minister is actually Mr Bean. Speculation has been rife over the last few weeks regarding the true identity of the Spanish PM with many tipping him to be Louis Walsh, the Duke of Edinburgh or even Noel Edmunds but the truth is sure to come as a surprise to millions of Spaniards that he is in fact a bumbling half wit and not just a figment of the nations collective imaginations as thought.
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero has been largely responsible for the biggest drop in employment in Spain since a particularly nasty strain of Flu broke out early in the 20th century and decimated the population. Spain’s unemployment, running at 19%, is enough to drive the country to communism but with the reality of Zapateros identity now in the public domain the population are more likely to laugh themselves out of a revolution.
The EU stepped in to confirm the revelation and insisted the Mr Bean is the right man for the job as Spain laughably takes the EU presidency for six months. During their term in the presidency Spain is likely to loot EU coffers and bail themselves out which could mean consequences from France as they look to pilfer as much revenue as possible from the monocracy.
Rowan Atkinson, formerly thought to have been Mr Bean, is said to be glad he will no longer face the stigma of resembling the laughably stupid Bean but said “Now I just have to put up with the mickey taking I’m going to get for looking like Spain’s prime minister. Nobody should have to face that when they’re in the checkout line in Tesco.”
15th Dec 2009
European Politician Announces Plan to Regulate Baby Names
The all conquering EU is to regulate baby names in a bid to harmonise a European identity for the next phase of it’s plan to remove cultural identity among it’s citizens. The plan will see British babies being given Spanish, German and French names and will eventually include a numbering system for surnames to assist an EU taxation system.
Baby names such as Jack and Mary will be banned and replaced with foreign equivalent such as Jaques and Mailiana, any body across Europe using a predominantly British name will have their baby taken away and put in to a new care system being set up in Romania. The care system will include a correction facility to ensure the child does not demonstrate any British traits during its childhood. Once mature the newly conditioned EU citizen will be entered in to service of the EU as bureaucrats and thought police.
Labour are expected to fast-track the Baby Name Bill through parliament before the next election to guarantee it is not opposed by the wrong-thinking opposition parties who believe that removing a parents right to choose their own baby name should not be removed from them. Labour have issued a statement that said “We believe this is the right thing to do, to harmonise a European-wide cultural identity and foster a new age of togetherness must be at the forefront of our agenda. Clearly, anyone who does not support this must be removed from society for the good of all people. Baby names are not to be offered out to just anyone and responsibility needs to be taken. These are the tough decisions that we have to make.”
30th Nov 2009
"Give me a Franco/German Alliance over the English anyday!"
The SNP today outlined their ambitious plan to split the British union and to declare the EU as the new rulers of Scotland. In a chapter entitled “Our Ego Knows No Bounds” the SNP delivered a damning verdict on the Scottish people who run the historic union from Westminster in London and proposed that a Franco/German alliance might be better at running the show from their castle in Belgium.
Some Scots, who may have taken ‘Braveheart’ too seriously, are pleased that the SNP are driving through an agenda of change in the powers that control Scotland. Alistair McTavish, a Scottish person, said “Och aye, I cannee be bothahed aboot those english bastarts who kem here tee treat oor wimmen leek shite, d’yee knaa. Aye, Scotland tee the arseholes in Europe – it cannee be any wurse nee can it?”
English people are largely pleased with the plans, but are worried that they’ll still end up paying for the Scots through their bloated European bill. English groups have been set up to ask why they pay so much money to Scotland and why there are so many Scots running the show in London. Peter Smith, head of the ‘Where is all our Tax Money going?’ said “We are tantalisingly close to the answers. We are run by a load of sweaties, and we give a lot of money to them – the answer is on the tip of my tongue. Meanwhile, we have been wondering why the hell it’s the jocks who want a referendum on independence – why can’t the English have their say?”
Scotland are unlikely to get a vote on indepence as the SNP is in a minority, despite being in charge of things up there, and the other parties are aware that the country is effectively laughing all the way to the RBS, on English bail-out money, so long as they remain in the Union.
19th Nov 2009
Tony Blair will be this boys Boss
Tony Blair will be offered the position of European Chief of Shoe Shining today in a bid to appease Britons who want rid of the man who orchestrated the beginnings of the new UK totalitarian state. European people in suits will offer the top job of President to a small and insignificant person who will perform tricks for the German and French leaders at many an EU soirée.
Blair had been a contender for the EU court jester role but it is thought that he simply isn’t funny enough to satisfy the notoriously humourless Angela Merkel, who, it is rumored, has never laughed once in her life. Sources close to the decision process have commented on Sarkozy’s jealousy at Tony Blair’s height which would make the French President feel even more insecure about his unnaturally stunted frame.
The model for the decision making process has been taken verbatim from an old soviet method where the people are merely told what is good for them and to hell with public opinion.
05th Nov 2009
Pierre Lellouche, a French person, has asked the British people to give him a good kicking in response to David Camerons promise to stop the EU from stealing the UK. Pierre Lellouche, which translates as ‘Peter the Shower-Dodger’, accused the British of being universally autistic, pathetic, sad and castrated before finishing his statement with “…and I would love it if the British came and give me a right good kicking.”
David Cameron and William Hague will promise to hold a referendum on which of the two MP’s will get to deliver the kicking and voters will be urged to pick the man who they believe will most enthusiastically hand out a royal standard beating to the French surrenderist.
William Hague is the bookies favourite after appearing on Sky News this morning to begin his campaign for the position of Chief French Beater. He said “And I call upon the British people to choose me to beat the little git. I’m from good northern stock so I know what it’s like to get drunk of a Friday night about the town and senselessly beat up another person. It’s the British way!” …more
04th Nov 2009
Having a history of saving the world from itself the US Government has been advised by senior military advisors to bring Democracy to the people of Britain. Chancellor Obama has been briefed on the plan which would see the United Kingdom as the first part of Federal Europe to be invaded.
The US has been appointed, by itself, to restore democracy to countries where terrorism is rife and has seen some successes in Iraq and Afghanistan. Iran had been intended to be the next target for liberty but its people have shown a willingness to revolt of their own accord, very unlike the British. The United Kingdom had once been a rich source of social empowerment but has since lost its will having become the fattest, laziest and illiterate country on Earth.
The US will initially target the west coast, likely landing in Wales and delivering a very American flavour of Freedom. England, and vitally London, will follow with Scotland to be left for Federal Europe to pay for …more
03rd Nov 2009
The Czechs have given the UK a green light to have a general election after signing away Europe-wide national sovereignty to an unelected supreme power known as the EU and preventing the British from being able to do anything about it. The Czechs were the last country to sign away their own right to absolute self-governance and will instead be merely a small council with limited ability to choose their own destiny. Europe as a continent will cease to exist on December 1st, Europe as a Monocracy will then begin.
The EU will now enforce their tyrannical will upon all member countries, usurp democracy by appointing a European President, piss in the face of every ‘EU Citizen’ by giving them a new national anthem, decide whether or not Great Britain goes to war on their behalf (having accepted advice that the French wouldn’t know their Aircraft carriers from their Bayonets) and will likely plunge Britain in to further economical desperation by snatching control of Europe-wide interest rates and pushing a number fit for Germany upon everyone else. …more