08th Feb 2010
Charlotte Church would make a terrible Secretary
England are too busy with promiscuity to concern themselves with sporting events involving themselves and Wales it has been revealed. In the last few days England have been drawn against the Welsh in the qualifying rounds for the 2012 European cup and have beaten the Welsh at what the valley-dwellers consider to be their best sport – short of gurning.
Having trained for a maximum of 20 minutes for the Twickenham spectacle on Saturday, England went on to indulge in heavy flirting and some bottom slapping in a busy London pub before casually turning up to beat Wales 30-odd to something or other. The gaffer, MJ, said after the game “Yeah, I think it was the Nags Head or something, in Covent Garden, we was all in there and these lasses turned up so we thought we’d all cheat on our wives before the match like. I was perfectly happy for the boys to do that as I had every confidence they’d beat Wales.”
Meanwhile, Fabio Capello has re-iterated his commitment to juicier scandal surrounding the English football team by announcing that any time training for the Wales game will be spent hiring new Secretaries instead with the whole team getting involved in the selection process. John Terry, a world class fornicator, will lead the interviews and Fabio Capello will import some very attractive ladies from Italy for the try-outs. …more
03rd Feb 2010
Fabio Capello is not a man you want to annoy.
Fabio Capello will consider his methods for punishing John Terry today. It is widely expected that the Godfather of English football will choose a Gangland style execution but this would require the Queen to step in and prevent Fabio Capello from being prosecuted for murder. Execution style will leave less evidence and could not be traced back to the England manager and this form of punishment is most likely.
John Terry will learn his fate today and it is thought that Wayne Bridge has volunteered his services following a crash course in assassination, theory and practice. Bridge, a former friend of Terry, said “I’ve just completed degrees in both Assassination Theory and Effective Assassination Practices so I’m well prepared should the Gaffer call me up. I’ve got a lot to offer now, I’ve improved my aim, my form looks good and I firmly believe that I’m now unplayable.” When asked to clarify what ‘unplayable’ is supposed to mean Bridge said “I dunno, managers say it a lot on Match of the Day so I guess it’s good, right?”
Capello is rumoured to have requested immunity from prosecution by writing to the Queen, who he mistakenly believes can let him off any hook he manages to wind up on. A source close to Capello said “ee no like-a da Terry. Ee’s a biga fana of tha, how yo say, monogamio – where you are only sleeping with the one girl. Ee no like-a da Birlesconi, ee think maybe that ee ‘as had a bad impressionano on John Terry – maybe Mister Terry thinka it’s okay to sleep with anything in a skirt-a?”
John Terry is likely to be shot at aproximatley 1500hrs today.
30th Nov 2009
"Give me a Franco/German Alliance over the English anyday!"
The SNP today outlined their ambitious plan to split the British union and to declare the EU as the new rulers of Scotland. In a chapter entitled “Our Ego Knows No Bounds” the SNP delivered a damning verdict on the Scottish people who run the historic union from Westminster in London and proposed that a Franco/German alliance might be better at running the show from their castle in Belgium.
Some Scots, who may have taken ‘Braveheart’ too seriously, are pleased that the SNP are driving through an agenda of change in the powers that control Scotland. Alistair McTavish, a Scottish person, said “Och aye, I cannee be bothahed aboot those english bastarts who kem here tee treat oor wimmen leek shite, d’yee knaa. Aye, Scotland tee the arseholes in Europe – it cannee be any wurse nee can it?”
English people are largely pleased with the plans, but are worried that they’ll still end up paying for the Scots through their bloated European bill. English groups have been set up to ask why they pay so much money to Scotland and why there are so many Scots running the show in London. Peter Smith, head of the ‘Where is all our Tax Money going?’ said “We are tantalisingly close to the answers. We are run by a load of sweaties, and we give a lot of money to them – the answer is on the tip of my tongue. Meanwhile, we have been wondering why the hell it’s the jocks who want a referendum on independence – why can’t the English have their say?”
Scotland are unlikely to get a vote on indepence as the SNP is in a minority, despite being in charge of things up there, and the other parties are aware that the country is effectively laughing all the way to the RBS, on English bail-out money, so long as they remain in the Union.
07th Sep 2009
English people are busy working on new sports to invent that they will be completely rubbish at following huge success in being utterly [poo] at every sport they introduced to the world. With England barely able to pull a slender victory against Slovenia in a friendly Football match and then failing to beat a seemingly defeated Australia at Cricket it remains only for England’s Rugby team to show the world how dreadful they are at their own games.
Gordon Brown, a Scottish person, has urged all English people to invent new sports and show the whole planet exactly how badly they can lose using their own rules. Ben Smith, an habitual loser from Liverpool, said “I was thinking that instead of chucking crumpled up paper in to a bin all day – having failed to be able to spell my name right at the top of the page – we could turn that into a sport. You could put the bin on the wall and then throw paper in it to score.” It was later pointed out that this sounded a lot like American sport Basketball, an activity that has promisingly yielded much failure to English players. …more
02nd Sep 2009
The British, or is that United Kingdomers, have been urged by every religious and socially righteous group ever to stop bickering and start appreciating what each nation brings to the union. Following a raft of disagreements over small matters such as which God is God, letting prisoners off with scores of murders or the subjugation of an entire culture all four home nations have been sent away for team building.
The Welsh are said to be in favour of the exercise and are prepared to write off the annexation of their nation in order to get along with the horrid English who in turn have said they are prepared to acknowledge the existence of their neighbours as a separate cultural identity instead of looking upon them as another county.
Scotland are less inclined to be in the same room as the English unless money and further transfers of power are forthcoming. The English are unprepared to hand anymore over to the Scots citing figures which suggest Scotland’s flamboyance could bankrupt Essex, the primary investor in Scotland’s GDP.
Northern Ireland asked if their was any drinks on for later and insisted they handle afternoon tea and biscuits. All nations agreed to this knowing that their Irish cousins were professional Tea and Biscuit providers.
England said “Do we have to sit in a room with those skirted gentleman and those rugby players. The short people handing out tea are palatable, but Taffy and McTavish are sooooo aggressive, what’s their problem?”
Scotland replied “Och owie ya wee jobbies, ah’ll kin kull yeass bahstars.”
02nd Sep 2009
Scotland made a swift return to form yesterday and once again blamed England for everything that has ever gone wrong including the Megrahi scandal, arguably the worst decision this century. After documents were released that said British Prime Minister, an utterly Scottish person, did not want the UK’s worst murderer to die in jail Scotland’s first minister, Alex ‘Och I hate the English’ Salmond, insisted that the Scottish parliaments choice was justified and if it was at all wrong then critics should look no further than Westminster. Yes that Westminster, which is actually full to bursting with Scottish people.
Alex Salmond said “Nay point lookin’ this way pal, I’ll knock yer heed aff if you so much as look at me the wrong way. Och anyway, it was all the fault oo’ those bastart English reet …more
21st Aug 2009
Previously it has always been thought that the Scots exist only to dislike the English despite being almost completely dependent upon English tax revenues to subsidise their own economy. Now it seems they have turned on the US with the release of a nasty man who had been involved in the killing of a lot of people by blowing up an Aeroplane over Lockerbie. Killing 270 people, 189 of whom were American. …more
20th Aug 2009
Labour were uniformly patting themselves on the back last night after another successful hoodwinking involving education standards and the rising number of utterly useless children being ejected from their extended kinder gartens, otherwise known as ‘colleges’. As losing is not allowed under strict labour guidelines, all children are ritually handed out an ‘A Star’ and told to go to university where they can finally begin a process of preparing them for the real world. …more