02nd Feb 2010
Get excited about China, the US has chucked in the towel
Chancellor Obama declared inspiration and aspiration things of the past yesterday by scrapping NASA’s Constellation programme – a re-badged Apollo using 50 year old technology. It throws in to doubt the ability for the United States to send humans in to space as the Space Shuttle has also been cancelled. Constellation was to involve two rocket types, a small, light variant called Ares I which would take small loads and humans in to orbit and a heavy lifter called Ares V which could carry bigger loads and components for a Spacecraft to be built in orbit. The US will now have to pay Russia to re-supply the International Space Station and lift satellites and probes in to orbit.
Chancellor Obama delivered an optimistic speech detailing the full extent of removing any point in actually having a space program while at the same time calling the moves ‘bold’, ‘visionary’ and ‘totally the right thing to do’. Children across the world will now have to seek inspiration from Ben 10 or a cocktail of drink and drugs as there will be no more awe-inspiring adventures from NASA for the foreseeable future.
Critics of the cutbacks blame everything from sub-prime mortgages to the car industries inability to make a cheap, affordable and above all reliable flying car. …more
17th Nov 2009
Chancellor Obama gives the Chinese some shtick
Chancellor Obama had more than 1 billion people in hysterics last night as he unleashed his stand up comedy routine in China. In front of the TV cameras he rolled out a series of rib ticklers which included calls for China to give her people Internet freedom and human rights.
The Jesus-a-like proved to be a crowd pleaser going as far to mention that he’ll still sell weapons to Taiwan, a joke that was met with some heckling from the crowd. The Chancellor, in true stand-up tradition, soon took down the hecklers with an appeasing joke about the ownership of Tibet to much applause. The routine is now a favourite on Chinese state television, CCTV (seriously), and the viewing figures suggest every single man, woman and child in China has now watched it 2.3 times.
The highlight of the routine came when the Chancellor did his shtick on human rights. Obama started the gag with “So what’s the deal with human rights? You guys ever heard of that? No, me neither! What the hell happened to human lefts? Yeah, that’s right the weird ones, perhaps they’re all in Japan, eh?!” The hilarity didn’t stop there when Chancellor Obama moved on to Internet freedom in the communist state. “So I tried to Google myself in one of your Internet cafes yesterday. Pretty hard when you can’t Google anything at all, instead I got Baidu?! Baidu!? WTF! How do you make a verb out of that – ‘I Baidu-ed myself’, it just doesn’t sound right.”
Towards the end of his routine, Obama turned to the watching Communist party members and said “In America we have meetings and we exchange opinions and ideas. In China the communists idea of an exchange of opinion is that you turn up with yours and leave with theirs!”
04th Nov 2009
Having a history of saving the world from itself the US Government has been advised by senior military advisors to bring Democracy to the people of Britain. Chancellor Obama has been briefed on the plan which would see the United Kingdom as the first part of Federal Europe to be invaded.
The US has been appointed, by itself, to restore democracy to countries where terrorism is rife and has seen some successes in Iraq and Afghanistan. Iran had been intended to be the next target for liberty but its people have shown a willingness to revolt of their own accord, very unlike the British. The United Kingdom had once been a rich source of social empowerment but has since lost its will having become the fattest, laziest and illiterate country on Earth.
The US will initially target the west coast, likely landing in Wales and delivering a very American flavour of Freedom. England, and vitally London, will follow with Scotland to be left for Federal Europe to pay for …more
22nd Sep 2009
US Voters were in shock last night as Chancellor Obama revealed he was a Black man before the election. Many had thought he simply turned black after visiting a tanning salon whilst on his pilgrimage to Jesusland in Jordan. Speaking on David Lettermans show the Chancellor told a record audience he “was Black before the election” prompting many to question where he got his nice tan and fueling rumours he never actually went to Jesusland.
Obamas trip to Jesusland was largely reported a success with many outlets reporting that the ‘Are You the Second Coming Machine’ flashed green for yes after Obama had inserted his quarter. A sure sign that Obama is the new Christ. Whilst there Obama frequented the ‘Holy Tan, Batman’ tanning salon where he then turned ‘black’ after over doing it on the sabbath. …more
17th Sep 2009
The United States of America has it put its missile defence system on the shelf, a Czech Minister For Shelves divulged last night. A group of American officials picked the missile defence system up and carried it into special shelf building, where they put it on one of the empty shelves.
Rumours that the missile defence system would be shelved have been abound in recent weeks, with reports that a special team of Shelving Diplomats had flown to the Czech Republic last week.
This morning President Obama held a press conference, where he commented: “we have decided to shelve the missile defence system because CIA reports suggest that the Iranian’s missile launching capability is not as advanced as first thought. Our agents have discovered that the missile sites are made of cardboard and egg boxes, with the missiles themselves being constructed of paper-maché and wire.”
Sources in the White House have suggested that while Iran still poses a serious threat, it is perhaps only to the chain-smoking Iranian soldiers who guard the cardboard missile systems, as they pose a minor fire hazard.
Political commentators have said the United State’s missile defence system will probably stay on the shelf until it can be safely disposed of.
One high profile Republican commented “If Obama keeps shelving things then the shelf building will get full up and we might have another, much bigger one built – which would be fine because sometimes things need to get shelved, as happened in this case. It’s good to shelve things because if you want it later on you can just take it off the shelf again, and nuke the [poo] out of Iran or whatever.”
14th Aug 2009
Chancellor Obama last night revealed plans for a fairer Health System for all Americans, particularly the ‘can work, won’t work’ demographic. The proposed ‘Peoples Well Being System’ is based on a concept of fusing the health system the bad guys had in the 1984 movie ‘Red Dawn’ and the British National Health Service (NHS).
The NHS was born of Britain’s lack of population control after doing a thoroughly good job of limiting the prospect of yet another big war. When confronted with the possibility of peace in Europe the Labour Communist Workers Alliance for the People Party needed a system to kill as many British voters as possible. The proposal for a state run health service was quickly put in place and has been starving Britons of first world health services ever since, limiting the population there to a manageable 60 million.
With the prospect of the War on Terror, now in its 8th season, getting a bit boring for the average US voter Chancellor Obama has pledged to mimic the NHS …more
13th Aug 2009
The National Health Service has been under attack from some Americans who are holding the system up as evidence that Barrack Obama’s health reforms are a bad move. Britain’s free at the point of delivery system has been used by the President’s opponents to show how a “socialized” system would be bad news for patients, providing a low level of care. …more