08th Oct 2009
Sales of colour copiers have rocketed in recent weeks as offices begin gearing up for the party season. Office workers are anticipating a record number of backsides to be copied and the advent of cheaper colour copiers has raised interest in the Christmas craze that is as old as office photocopiers themselves.
Charlie Short, an office worker from somewhere other than Slough, said “We’ve all seen those dull, over-exposed bum copies but imagine the laughs when it comes out in full colour. I can just see the smiles when a faint hand print is clearly visible where the MD got a bit saucy – el oh el!”
Retailers are bracing themselves for a rush since the popular Facebook group ‘I colour copied my arristotle’ reached four thousand members. Claire Worthington, the group admin, said “Everyone is doing it, why hide it. The group was set up so that people could send in photos of themselves actually in the process of colour copying their backside. Oh em gee!”
06th Oct 2009
Demand for Dog Clothes among Cat owners has dropped to its lowest level since records began last year amid fears that Cats are becoming slightly annoyed at having to rely on idiots who buy them dog clothes to open their cans of, what is hopefully, Cat food. Dog Clothes, it seems, are really just for dogs and and the number of cross-dressing cats hasn’t increased from an estimated 3 in at least 3 months.
Reginald Digby, a ‘Cat Psycoligist’, recommends trying it once and if your hand is still in usable condition after the first fitting then it may be safe to carry on with the bizarre practice of making usually dignified cats look like fools. “It’s a real concern for any potential Dog Clothing purchase that your cat might not actually want to wear it. The signs are fairly clear, if your cat tries to kill you then it might be an objection to the clothes” said Professor Digby.
Mrs. Argyle, an old cat lady, is a regular cat dresser and says her 19 year old cat delights in wearing the latest fashions. …more
05th Oct 2009
The most insufferable tossers in history, the X Factor twins, are leading favourites to be shot in front of millions of viewers. Louis Walsh, the tit who put them through, is also being lined up as a potential target although it is more likely he will simply be banished to Ireland where he can annoy his own people with mind-numbingly boring wankers instead.
Already tipped to become the most hated people ever, the X Factor twins were last night perfecting their helium-balloon ego’s and adding hair extensions to ensure their hair is as obnoxious as possible. They are number 4 in the most hated league under Hitler, Napoleon and Ashley Cole. …more
02nd Oct 2009
Militant populist Ken Livingston has accused the equally loathsome BBC of bias after the delightful Boris Johnson made a smile-inducing cameo on the set of Eastenders. The soap, the most misguided portrayal of London life since Hawley Primary Schools rendition of Dickens’ Oliver, is often considered a major platform for politicians to raise their profile recently after any campaign for votes.
Livingston, a horrible communist and accomplished liar, had asked at least three times to feature on the show and had been turned down every time. Likable Boris however was asked to appear and duly agreed to the short scene, raising mild chortles and irresistible smiles the length of Britain. The communist former Major said “I asked lots and lots to get on to that telly program and they never let me on oh no that would be too much for them would it not be I think you will agree so there.” Shamefully, he began to cry like a pathetic girl. …more
30th Sep 2009
Sarah Brown found herself in deep water with Britains legions of militant feminists yesterday after calling her husband of nine years her ‘hero’. According to Miss Mary March, the leader of the English arm of Nulliparous Order of Britain or NOB, Mrs. Brown’s comments were “submissive, cowardly and pro-bastard-men”.
She continued “Who the bloody hell does she think she is? Wimmin have struggled against the tyranny of bastard men since the dawn of time and there she is doing us no favours by insisting she both loves and respects her husband?! I can hardly contain my rage. …more
29th Sep 2009
Peter ‘Mephistopheles’ Mandelson abandoned restraint last night and delivered the gayest performance of all time yesterday at the Labour party conference in Brighton. Colleagues insisted that the plan all along was to get up the nose of the Catholics – a strange, money obsessed religion that centres its entire belief system around hating homosexuals and following the exploits of Celtic FC.
Mephistopheles, the worlds most evil gay man, ramped up the camp with a series of limp wristed gesturing, eye rolling and arse-wiggling mincing to the delight of the right-on crowd of former miners, disgruntled human rights lawyers and reformed protesters. One child-hating, left leaning teacher described the speech as “the most camp of camp performances I’ve ever seen” and said “that should really get up the [backside] of that Ratzinger, it’s not like Catholics aren’t ripe for a ribbing, is it!? He may as well have come on stage in a big pink JCB while wearing crotchless German issue Army trousers and throwing Carnations at the front row through a big telly tubby shaped hula hoop – it was that gay!” …more
28th Sep 2009
Having stopped every single drug smuggler in the world it is now being asked ‘Why is there still Cocaine on the streets?’ The Royal Navy’s latest acquisition of £240 million of Cocaine is said to be its largest single haul and is expected to supply London for an estimated 3 hours on Friday night.
Concerned Britons were in uproar last night as it emerged the Royal Navy were selling it on to young London bankers, lawyers and estate agents to pay for new boats and submarines. Kelly Rogers, a 35 year old virgin, yelled “WTF?!? Aren’t they supposed to be getting rid of this stuff, as it is they’re making a bad situation even worse – I’m shocked and blame this entirely on Ed Balls for no other reason than I simply don’t like his face!”
Captain Cortez, of HMS Charlie, said “Argh me hearty! We be getting these drugs to the bankers to blow their bonuses on as soon as the Government can count the cash to spend on Beer, Porn and Mars Bars.” …more
25th Sep 2009
Watercoolers are spying on the nations office workers listening for sensitive information to bribe you with it has been discovered. Scientists at the Wansdale Academy for Noetic Knowledge found that watercoolers were listening in on conversations and promptly emailing victims with demands to add a dash of Vodka to the supply.
Vicky Smithins, a particularly thirsty office worker, said “I got this email that said ‘I heard about you in the stationary room with bloke from Accounts – I know a Watercooler in his wife’s office! Put some Vodka in my supply or else!” Mrs Smithins duly complied and has since been fired for getting her former colleagues tiddly during working hours.
The scientists say that the Watercoolers should be burnt, and then burnt again to ensure their destruction – although it the boffin hastened to add that it might be better to empty the bottle first.
25th Sep 2009
Leonard Cohen was pelted with rocks and told in no uncertain terms to piss off in Israel last night after the crowd seemed shocked that Alexandra Burke, last years X Factor winner, had appeared to turn white, old and male.
The crowd were expecting Alexandra, an icon among Israelites and such is the feeling towards her that many have petitioned the Government there to replace the national anthem with ‘Hallelujah’, a song that was written entirely by Ms. Burke in 7 minutes on a tube train going from East Putney to Bayswater. …more
24th Sep 2009
Hunters everywhere are preparing for the opening of the westernised nations season, giving them a green light to shoot dead any mature western nation they happen to see roaming the meadows.
Top hunters, including President Ahmadinejad and Colonel Gaddafi, have cleaned their substantial rifles and packed enough ammunition to make the UN conference in New York a complete blood bath, with Pride and Dignity expected to be among the first species to be shot in to oblivion.
Gaddafi, a recent world champion Westernised Nations hunter, said “They’re really very easy to shoot. They just walk right in to the path of my gun and BLAM! I swear it’s the funniest thing ever, if I miss they just stop and wait for me to reload and BANG I’m off again.” …more