25th Nov 2009
A Labour Politician. Rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Tragedy on Fleet Street this morning when the staff of the Daily Mirror all died of boring – a rare affliction where a group of people lose the will to live when they become too dull. The illness may have been compounded by a further affliction that had gripped the office – it has emerged that they all suffered with being too pro-labour. Early indications suggest they were all so pro-labour they began to run delusional headlines suggesting that the Tories are in it for the money. Well, duh…
While this is almost universally accepted as fact, the Mirror went as far as to suggest that Labour were not in power for the single purpose of getting big, fat and rich beyond their wildest dreams. A subtext in the paper promoting Labours vision of a fairer society, equality, yada yada yada gushed from their front page in a piece many are comparing to communist propaganda worthy of North Korea.
Books of condolences have been opened up in high streets around the country but they remain empty as people are still reeling from the epic hypocrisy that poured today’s frontpage. In short, nobody cares.
25th Nov 2009
John and Edward Compete for Dominance
John and Edward Grimes were said to be at each others throats last night over which of them sleeps with Jordan first. The irritating pair are clear favourites to be Jordan’s next conquest but are said to be fighting like cage fighters to be first in with the glamour model. David Attenborough has expressed his desire to film the rare mating ritual, but ITV have denied the leading figure in animal couplings access.
Rumours in various celebrity forums suggest that Jordan would not worry which of the high-barnetted brothers gets the gig as they are pretty much exactly the same. Nobody is even sure which of the brothers will come out on top as it is not fully understood which one is John and which is Edward. According to past girlfriends, of which there are 2, neither of the boys are blessed with anything approaching a normal penis.
The twins are currently locked in battle in a hotel room in London. The manager for the hotel, which we can’t name in case somebody tries to stop them killing each other, said “They’re trashing the room but ITV have assured me that they’ll pay handsomely for all the damage so long as I hand over the CCTV footage. Something about a new show called ‘Jedwapocalypse’ I think.”
Jordan will select the dominant male when the Irish mating ritual is completed. Meanwhile, the public live in fear of Jedward/Jordan offspring completely dominating Television and Celebrity magazines in a few years time.
23rd Nov 2009
John and Edward are out. Release the Tanks!
Britain is living in the grip of fear after John and Edward Grimes were released from the X Factor at the weekend. Jedward are now expected to be seen far more frequently on television shows now that they are no longer confined to quarantine which has led to wide spread panicking among the public.
The villagers of Shipton Bellinger, Wilts, have gone as far as to dismantle the Television aeriel and demolish incoming roads to prevent exposure to the Irish twins. One prominent resident told Band of Slugs “We aren’t taking any chances here, the children need to be protected from this evil. We are writing to the Government to provide aid and we have issued Simon Cowell with an ASBO for his role in creating this atrocity.”
ITV are expected to unleash the fantasist pair with a packed appearance schedule, taking in their daytime shows as well as a role in Coronation Street where the boys are expected to approximate a song and dance routine in the knicker factory.
Public order groups have requested the army are returned from overseas operations to patrol the streets with orders to shoot the twins on site if they are seen to be communicating in any way with scared Britons. …more
20th Nov 2009
A Mini on the Moon
NASA have revealed plans to send a fleet of BMW Mini’s to the moon in preparation for planned human expeditions in the next decade. The diminutive cars are said to be perfect for lunar roving with just minor adaptations and as the vehicles are so small it is thought the new ARES V could blast off with up to 5 Mini’s in cargo. It echos the Mini advertisement campaign, which runs with the slogan “It’s a Mini Adventure”, but there’s nothing mini about these plans.
A spokesman for NASA said “I bought one the other day so I could comfortably drive on sidewalks to the office – I don’t like roads much, not enough space! Geddit! Space? Not enough!” BMW are preparing a special Mini Space Edition which will feature the modifications that NASA have requested. These include Big Foot style wheels, a larger sun roof and tinted windows throughout.
20th Nov 2009
An Artists (ahem) impression of the event
An awards ceremony in Basildon ended in tragedy last night when a popular web design team collectively urinated on an Apple Mac and electrocuted themselves. The unnamed collective were tipped for the prestigious Web Design Essex Award but it is thought that they were too enthusiastic with the free bar and lost control of their bladders at approximately 21:00, just 30 minutes before the announcement of the winners.
Paramedics were called to the event but it is thought that the team, all males, are unlikely to regain full use of their genitals. A spokesman for the Web Design Essex Awards said the organisers were shocked and they are unlikely to offer a free bar next year.
Sources close to the tragic team agreed that they often drank themselves in to an horrific state and would make often humorous attempts to pull a girlfriend. The men are all expected to be released from hospital later this week and the awards ceremony has been rescheduled.
19th Nov 2009
Tony Blair will be this boys Boss
Tony Blair will be offered the position of European Chief of Shoe Shining today in a bid to appease Britons who want rid of the man who orchestrated the beginnings of the new UK totalitarian state. European people in suits will offer the top job of President to a small and insignificant person who will perform tricks for the German and French leaders at many an EU soirée.
Blair had been a contender for the EU court jester role but it is thought that he simply isn’t funny enough to satisfy the notoriously humourless Angela Merkel, who, it is rumored, has never laughed once in her life. Sources close to the decision process have commented on Sarkozy’s jealousy at Tony Blair’s height which would make the French President feel even more insecure about his unnaturally stunted frame.
The model for the decision making process has been taken verbatim from an old soviet method where the people are merely told what is good for them and to hell with public opinion.
19th Nov 2009
Thiery Henry needed to cheat to beat the Irish. How crap are the French?
The age old cliche ‘The Luck of the Irish’ was finally killed off yesterday and replaced with the more accurate ‘The Luck of the French’. An amendment will be made to the Queens speech to add the ‘Luck of the Irish Bill’ which will now ban any reference to the Irish being anything other than drunk and certainly not lucky. A second extra Bill will seek to change all occurrences in any media of the Irish being lucky to the French being “lucky and smelly”.
While the Irish football team are hardly any good, the French needed Argentinian-style cheatery to put them to the sword. Thiery Henry displayed dazzling abilities last night to put the woefully sub-average Irish out of next years World Cup last night. The French superstar sensationally used all his prowess to perform an undetected double-handball and setup his team mate for the winning goal.
The former Arsenal striker used his left to control the ball twice in rapid succession leaving confused English people to wonder if they cared at all. Jurgen Klausmieyer, an English person, said “I really don’t know how to feel. On the one hand I couldn’t care less but on the other I feel I should be really patronising and offer exaggerated sympathies to the Irish. Ahh, the poor little Irish got knocked out by le frogs, diddums!”
UK News outlets had filled their airwaves and presses with a campaign of utterly false and near embarrassing unity with a nation that has ridden her luck for too long. Jacquie Beltrao, a Sky New anchor for Sports, seemed almost motherly this morning and talked in baby-tones as she said “The poor ickle Irish getting bullied by the nasty-wasty French, there there, paddy-poo. We made you this pretty certificate of merit and were going to give you all gold stars. Ain’t that nice. Yeah.”
18th Nov 2009
Jordan calls her regular taxi to get her out of the Jungle
Controversy was sparked last night when it emerged that Jordon has paid for a holiday home insurance claim in Australia leading to speculation that she is in fact only a Celebrity Jungle dweller during normal working hours and living quite comfortably in one of her Australian properties.
The top heavy glamour star paid for the holiday home insurance on a property in Australia and the duration of the cover spans her time in the jungle. A source close to the star said “This is outrageous, to accuse Katie [Who is Katie - Ed] of this is abhorrent in the extreme. She’s no cheat! Well, okay she is – but only a marriage cheat and let’s be honest, who isn’t?”
The company that provided the holiday home insurance confirmed that a British celebrity had indeed purchased the cover but refused to confirm who it is. In a statement they said “For Christ’s sake, would you just get out of my face – look, the thing is we’re doing something of a Max Branning. Keep quiet and I’ll see you right, yeah?”
In related news, Doctors are concerned that Jordan may have rabbies given that she is now hydrophobic and seems to be growing horse lips.
17th Nov 2009
Chancellor Obama gives the Chinese some shtick
Chancellor Obama had more than 1 billion people in hysterics last night as he unleashed his stand up comedy routine in China. In front of the TV cameras he rolled out a series of rib ticklers which included calls for China to give her people Internet freedom and human rights.
The Jesus-a-like proved to be a crowd pleaser going as far to mention that he’ll still sell weapons to Taiwan, a joke that was met with some heckling from the crowd. The Chancellor, in true stand-up tradition, soon took down the hecklers with an appeasing joke about the ownership of Tibet to much applause. The routine is now a favourite on Chinese state television, CCTV (seriously), and the viewing figures suggest every single man, woman and child in China has now watched it 2.3 times.
The highlight of the routine came when the Chancellor did his shtick on human rights. Obama started the gag with “So what’s the deal with human rights? You guys ever heard of that? No, me neither! What the hell happened to human lefts? Yeah, that’s right the weird ones, perhaps they’re all in Japan, eh?!” The hilarity didn’t stop there when Chancellor Obama moved on to Internet freedom in the communist state. “So I tried to Google myself in one of your Internet cafes yesterday. Pretty hard when you can’t Google anything at all, instead I got Baidu?! Baidu!? WTF! How do you make a verb out of that – ‘I Baidu-ed myself’, it just doesn’t sound right.”
Towards the end of his routine, Obama turned to the watching Communist party members and said “In America we have meetings and we exchange opinions and ideas. In China the communists idea of an exchange of opinion is that you turn up with yours and leave with theirs!”
16th Nov 2009
Olly does a good job on the Twins
Olly Murs performed on X Factor with a broken finger at the weekend after violently beating the twins in the house the contestants share. Olly bravely put his injury to one side to perform brilliantly on Saturdays show and is still recovering.
The incident at the home flared when the Jedward twins insisted that they were better boxers than Ricky Hatton, Lennox Lewis or even Joe Callzaghe. Olly is alleged to have lost his temper and beat them with a piece of gym equipment. The X Factor PR machine moved quickly to insist that Olly’s injury was “merely a light-hearted accident, Olly accidentally punched a boxing bag stand and hilariously broke his finger. The twins are fine.”
Rumours from inside the house suggest that Olly was fed up of the Twins getting through week after week while the shows talents get routinely ejected. The safety of the twins will be thrown in to fresh doubt this week as Jamie was booted off the show, prompting many to ask “What’s the point anymore?”.
Meanwhile, Calvin Harris wasted a golden opportunity to punch one of the Jedward twins live on the X Factor on Saturday. The nation was briefly swept by a wave of hope when the lunatic jumped on stage while the annoying Irish children where ‘performing’ …more