14th Dec 2009
Francis Bacon may have shat up to 24,000 times.
Representatives for poor countries in Copenhagen are set to unveil an ambitious plan to completely fleece rich countries by playing the climate change card and guilting western leaders in to stumping up £30 billion that they say will help them combat the death of the planet. Western nations had already offered £6 billion but were quickly told that if they only gave that much the poor countries would have to set fire to all their trees and leave the car running overnight.
A statement from the Poor and Small Island Nations Alliance said “You lot think that people are causing this when we know that it is actually the God ‘Seethreeppeo’ who, with his mate that looks like a kitchen bin, eat lots of curry and fart huge amounts of hot air in to the atmosphere. You can’t stop them or they’ll get angry and smite us all. Instead we want loads of money because you’re all a bunch of gullible pricks who will actually shaft your people to ensure you get to look smug and can hob-knob with the likes of Geldof, Chris Martin, various hippies and Bono.”
Because western nations are all so preoccupied with philantropy it is likely that they will offer the requested money but they will need to invent at least another 3 taxes to cover the cost. …more
11th Dec 2009
Oh dear, what is this MP up to?
An anonymous MP has created photo books of other MPs in compromising situations that will rock the foundations of parliament if it is ever released. Using a bog standard digital camera the MP has recorded some of the most disturbing images yet of bizarre behaviour from British members of parliament and has began to publish the images in photo books that the unnamed MP will release unless Gordon Brown publicly admits he quite fancies Angela Merkel.
Band of Slugs has had an exclusive preview of the pictures and can reveal that would almost certainly raise an eyebrow with the British public. The photo books are set to include disturbing images of high profile MPs in some of the most shocking revelations in to their unusual private lives. It can not be understated enough that the books could potentially bring down the entire political system in the UK with ministers and shadow ministers alike all in the frame.
The demand from the anonymous MP is simple, Prime Minister Brown need only publicly admit the nature of his admiration of the German leader and the photo books will never see the light of day. Sources close to the Prime Minister say Mr Brown will not tolerate blackmail and once the identity of the books author is discovered he or she will likely go the same way as Doctor Kelley. there may be trouble ahead.
10th Dec 2009
Here's our World Affairs editor, he can drink his weight in Brandy and make it home without pissing himself.
This is the 100th post on Band of Slugs, the factual news site that literally bleeds honesty and integrity. What are doing to mark this milestone of truth and well-informed opinion? Nothing, we’re to busy being enormously honourable in our reporting. It takes a lot to be this clean in citizen journalism, a world of cut throat competition, it’s a labour of love that we undertake here to bring you a shining beacon of enlightened thought in a sea of utter bollocks. A duty to which we are bound by loyalty to our readership, a task that will never be completed so long as there are filth peddlers like the Independent out there.
09th Dec 2009
Labour, on course to destroy the UK!
No. It can’t and it won’t. Alistair Darling will today announce a super tax on Bankers bonuses which will likely send every banker, and their £7 Billion annual tax contribution, packing to some nice European city to do their business. The impact of this on business finance is potentially very bad and yet Labour reacting to a crisis by waving another tax law at the top of the money tree. Not content with keeping the poor poor, Labour are seemingly trying to make the rich poor too.
Blame not the bankers for the mess we’re in – remember this government have whizzed nearly a fifth of a Trillion on this recession and we are the only G20 country still in recession. The government would have us believe that it’s business finance and the plundering of it that will save us. Wrong, it will dry up credit for smaller businesses that make up the lions share of employment in this country.
What is their problem? Communists. Plundering the Bankers wallets will have a negative effect on business finance as SMB’s will struggle to get the credit they need without banks taking a few risks. This government seems bent on destroying this country and there can be only one explanation – they’re French. …more
08th Dec 2009
Sarkozy wants a bit of this action, but he may be too short to take the ride!
The world’s leaders are to schedule future state events with Bankers after it emerged they are now richer than the Queen on average. A corporate event for bankers costs an incredible 230% more than a state banquet held by her Majesty and global leaders are choosing to attend these lavish events instead. Typical corporate events for bankers can even rival the outlay for the Oscars and top bankers can look forward to gifts from premier design houses and electronics manufacturers.
Gordon Brown has benefited from such events already with every room in 10 Downing Street equipped with the latest Neo PDP televisions from Panasonic and a Gucci Plug-in air freshener. French President and renowned attentionist Nikolas Sarkozy is already angling for invitations to premier corporate events in the city but is out of favour with bankers because of his ambitions to curtail the financial powerhouse of London, the source of bankers phenomenal wealth.
Leaked footage from one such Corporate Event for bankers revealed debauchery and opulence on a scale not seen since Russell Brand’s New Years Eve party in 2005. The video shows bankers engaging in illegal futures gambling with a deck of Page 3 Top Trumps and a scandalous rant about Alistair Darling and his attempts to moderate the banking industry. The video has recently been destroyed and it’s contents cannot be verified. But it did happen, honest.
07th Dec 2009
Tough on Farts, Tough on the causes of Farts!
Leading Suits from around the world are meeting in Copenhagen today in a fresh round of discussions that aim to create ever more ridiculous taxes based around an assumption that we’re all killing the Planet. Despite human activity accounting for less than 3% of carbon emissions the suits aim to guilt us all in to coughing up more money to pay for their pensions and jumped up jobs that appear only to make things worse for everyone.
Gordon Brown, the worlds foremost expert in Bullshit, is expected to announce a new tax on farting to counter human methane output. There will also be new taxes on anybody eating beef products to pay for Cow trumps, and don’t even think about bacon and sausage for breakfast – a new ‘Full English’ tax could raise the price of the nations favourite breakfast meal to an average of £25.99 – except in Happy Chef, where the meat content of their plates is close to zero.
The BBC are expected to play their part by ensuring the public are well and truly hoodwinked in to believing that a rise in carbon emissions leads to global warming and not, as science dictates, the other way around. Experts, who are risking their lives …more
02nd Dec 2009
Quickly, point the bottle at those Socialist Oiks over there!
The entire Champagne region of France is to be moved to an area of Surrey in a bid to eliminate carbon emissions from the transport of the expensive booze to its inevitable destination in the wealthy county of England. Almost all Champagne ends up in the glasses of Surrey’s wine bars and now it looks set to be made there too.
Environmentalists have long argued that since 94.6% of the Champagne produced goes straight to Surrey the farming and production should be moved there in order to cut down on emissions and save planet Earth from the humans. The EU, who have recently experienced French rudeness first hand, are said to back the plans and would like nothing better than to annoy President Sarkozy. French manufacturers are considering their next move as their families are unlikely to resettle in England given the average French person can expect only a bad reception from the thoroughly Conservative population in the wealthiest county in the UK.
The Champagne region is expected to find a new home in Runnymede district but the product will retain its famous name so as not to put Surrey folk off. Locals had mixed feelings about the move, Francis Farnsworth, a local, said “While I obviously don’t drink, ever, what if we Surrey folk decided to move to the Champagne region …more
30th Nov 2009
"Give me a Franco/German Alliance over the English anyday!"
The SNP today outlined their ambitious plan to split the British union and to declare the EU as the new rulers of Scotland. In a chapter entitled “Our Ego Knows No Bounds” the SNP delivered a damning verdict on the Scottish people who run the historic union from Westminster in London and proposed that a Franco/German alliance might be better at running the show from their castle in Belgium.
Some Scots, who may have taken ‘Braveheart’ too seriously, are pleased that the SNP are driving through an agenda of change in the powers that control Scotland. Alistair McTavish, a Scottish person, said “Och aye, I cannee be bothahed aboot those english bastarts who kem here tee treat oor wimmen leek shite, d’yee knaa. Aye, Scotland tee the arseholes in Europe – it cannee be any wurse nee can it?”
English people are largely pleased with the plans, but are worried that they’ll still end up paying for the Scots through their bloated European bill. English groups have been set up to ask why they pay so much money to Scotland and why there are so many Scots running the show in London. Peter Smith, head of the ‘Where is all our Tax Money going?’ said “We are tantalisingly close to the answers. We are run by a load of sweaties, and we give a lot of money to them – the answer is on the tip of my tongue. Meanwhile, we have been wondering why the hell it’s the jocks who want a referendum on independence – why can’t the English have their say?”
Scotland are unlikely to get a vote on indepence as the SNP is in a minority, despite being in charge of things up there, and the other parties are aware that the country is effectively laughing all the way to the RBS, on English bail-out money, so long as they remain in the Union.
27th Nov 2009
Oh look! Someone waved me a picture of a cat with a gun. Again.
Google Wave is widely being regarded as revolutionary and is expected to become the new must have Application for this brave new internet of everyone knowing everything about you and everyone else being told, whether they care or not. Most likely, they don’t. Which is why Google Wave provides the new benchmark in pointless crap I don’t want to read.
Having been included in a number of Waves I have so far struggled to grasp one nugget of anything even remotely resembling useful information. Typical nonsense includes “Can you read this?”, Wow this is so cool”" or “OMG LOL ROFL LMAO TBH IMHO ETC BLAH YADA”. The only thing I get from Google Wave is that it has potential to be a very useful tool. But it won’t be.
It will instead be hijacked by people hell bent on telling you a lot of [poo] you don’t want to know, or telling you a lot of [poo] that just doesn’t matter. Google Wave is not the application for people who care about significant things because they will be disappointed with what will turn out to be a new way of passing on the same old jokes. …more
26th Nov 2009
Away an' jobbie ye'sells!
Susan Boyle has asked several celebrity friends for their recommendations for a decent Osteopath after it emerged that scenes of her crying were from chronic back pain and not the pressures of fame as originally thought. The singing sensation, who rose to fame on Britain’s Got Talent, had been thought to be suffering from the constant pressures of fame and an easy life. However Band of Slugs can exclusively reveal that the singer simply needs a good Osteopath to sort her out.
Celebrity gossip magazines had filled their pages with talk of SuBo cracking under the weight of attention as she impressed the crowds in New York. Pictures filled the tabloids with speculation that earning a living by just singing a couple of songs must have been a fierce struggle for the Scottish lady. A spokesman for the Boyle said “Och, nay laddie! She’s nay bothered by the fame or the loot. She’s just got a hurtie back, don’t worry yersell’s.”