06th Jan 2010
Captain Kirk will use any means to stop the Nexus!
The new Google Nexus One Phone, announced yesterday, is to include a free app to warp space and time and bring about certain destruction to the universe. Previously, Google used the phone in Beta to affect matters in the 24th century and was only stopped when Captain Picard, a dead ringer for Patrick Stewart, urged Kirk to assist him in preventing Google from destroying the galaxy. The two captains succeeded but Google now operates in our time and with no Kirk or Picard to save our souls the UN has called for the international science community to find a way of bringing Kirk and/or Picard in to our time to save the day once more.
Google are already thought to be in league with the devil having been found to monitor everybody’s emails, search patterns and browsing history for their own evil gains but this new plan will surprise even the Borg – who themselves have attempted to travel back in time to kill everyone. A Google spokesman said “We are aware of the Borg effort to travel in to the past and kill everything, but their mistake was not to travel back far enough. We came back to the 1990′s and began our operation then so we’re pretty sure Kirk won’t be saving the day this time. Picard has a bit more scruples about him so he could be a threat but I think we’re prepared. We’ll destroy France first and he’ll never have been born. Job’s a good ‘un, eh?!” …more
05th Jan 2010
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero is a myth, Mr Bean is running Spain
As unexpected, the Spanish Prime Minister is actually Mr Bean. Speculation has been rife over the last few weeks regarding the true identity of the Spanish PM with many tipping him to be Louis Walsh, the Duke of Edinburgh or even Noel Edmunds but the truth is sure to come as a surprise to millions of Spaniards that he is in fact a bumbling half wit and not just a figment of the nations collective imaginations as thought.
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero has been largely responsible for the biggest drop in employment in Spain since a particularly nasty strain of Flu broke out early in the 20th century and decimated the population. Spain’s unemployment, running at 19%, is enough to drive the country to communism but with the reality of Zapateros identity now in the public domain the population are more likely to laugh themselves out of a revolution.
The EU stepped in to confirm the revelation and insisted the Mr Bean is the right man for the job as Spain laughably takes the EU presidency for six months. During their term in the presidency Spain is likely to loot EU coffers and bail themselves out which could mean consequences from France as they look to pilfer as much revenue as possible from the monocracy.
Rowan Atkinson, formerly thought to have been Mr Bean, is said to be glad he will no longer face the stigma of resembling the laughably stupid Bean but said “Now I just have to put up with the mickey taking I’m going to get for looking like Spain’s prime minister. Nobody should have to face that when they’re in the checkout line in Tesco.”
05th Jan 2010
Sixth Form College London Student takes it easy after week long binge
Sixth Form College London has been rated the best doss in the country following a survey of lazy, unwashed sixth formers. The highly sought-after award is expected to increase applications for the college by at least 70% in the summer as illiterate school leavers look for the easiest option before taking a gap year to Australia to further their idleness. A Sixth Form College London spokesman said “We;re obviously delighted, students these days expend a great deal of energy, perhaps up to 100 calories, researching the easiest college option. At the Sixth Form College London, we’ve been voted the best doss so applicants can be assured they’re getting it as easy as possible”.
Potential students, in the process of failing their final exams at school, greeted the news with some caution. Chardonnay Maskill, a possible applicant and all-round lazy girl, said “Yeah, it’s like totally good news but I like to think that another college will now step up their game and make it even easier for me to do absolutely nothing before my mum pays for me to go to Thailand or sumfink. Hopefully they’ll let me know because I don’t really want to have to find the best doss myself, do I?”
Other awards including ‘Largest Class Size’ and ‘Highest Proportion of Unqulaified Teachers’ all went to Schools and Colleges in the London area. …more
04th Jan 2010
Batman takes a call from Catwoman and plays nervously with the cord
Batman has lept in to the 21st century by replacing his old rotary bat phone with sparkling new VOIP phones. Purists will be happy to note that the caped crusader has insisted the VOIP phones are finished in hot red with the Batman logo emblazoned on the hand set.
When asked what took him so long to upgrade the retro phones he has had since the sixties Bruce Wayne, who apparently know Batman quite well, said “I, er, he quite liked them and to be honest I get called out by the ol’ Batman search light that everyone mistakes for an advert for a gothic nightclub. And yes, I didn’t mean ‘I’ just then, of course I meant Batman.”
The VOIP phones are rumoured to be a special edition manufactured esclusivley by Logitech for the super hero and his VOIP provider is assumed to be Skype. Band of Slugs has searched the Skype directory for Batman but could only find the Green Lantern, Hawkman and three entries for the Flash. The old Batphones will be sold to DirectLine for use in their advertisements.
04th Jan 2010
Michael O'Leary shows how much he cares
Over-priced budget airline boss, Michael O’Leary, has been branded ‘puerile’ and ‘childish’ by the office of fair trading. The news was met with shock from many consumer groups who said the OFT didn’t go far enough with their name-calling and urged a stronger stance with ‘money-pinching wankers’ and ‘con artists of the first order’ preferred to the soft, cuddly terms used originally.
Consumer group Anti-Ryanair Society of England, or ARSE, issued a statement shortly after the OFT had timidly told off the budget(ish) airline saying “Those thieves just take the piss! A government office with the OFTs influence should really be using stronger language. We urge the OFT to re-write their mild ticking off and replace ‘childish’ with ‘criminally taking the absolute piss’ and ‘puerile’ with ‘filth-ridden twats who should be strung up in London somewhere so people can throw their own crap at them’. We feel that would be a better start. And for the record, Michael O’Leary is an ugly little prick and I hope an engine falls off one of his crappy little planes and lands squarely on his head.” …more
22nd Dec 2009
The SNP arrive in Court
Simon Cowell’s production company, Syco, is in line to head up the live politcal TV debates that will be aired next year featuring the three major political parties and possibly the vast girls blouse that is the SNP if their legal challenge to feature in the show is successful. Simon Cowell will likely be on the judging panel which could include Nick Griffen, Tony Benn and Joanna Lumley.
The three debates will take on a typical talent show format with the public voting off who they believe are the weakest with the winner to receive the keys to number 10. Nick Clegg, already second favourite to be booted off the show, said “Do you know how many women I have slept with? No?! It’s a lot, I can tell you. I also like to dress up as David Bowie and engage in heavy drinking sessions at parties. Invite me to yours! You won’t regret it.” When asked if he thought his Liberal Party could make in-roads with the live television debates he said “Well, not really. We’re the same party that thinks the Guardian is a text-book of popular social thought and opinion. We will effectively ban you from cars, pubs, Morrisons and eating pies. Seriously, would you vote for that?” …more
21st Dec 2009
The Chef insists his idea will have something to do with Seagulls.
Eurostar have unveiled an unorthodox plan to get the estimated 55,000 stranded travellers back to Blighty by dragging them from the back of a train on an assortment of Cookware. Oven trays, large commercial sauce pans and Ken Hom Woks will be used to double capacity on the fast trains and get everyone home from Europe in good time for the Queens speech. The Cookware plan was devised by a Chef aboard a broken Eurostar train who saw all of his pots and pans sitting their doing nothing.
“Zoot Alor! Zis is what I thought when I saw all of zees cookwares about mon kitchen. I would like to be serving petit pois wiz Foie Gras and a sintilating rouge vin to zee passengers. But I cannot. Instead, I am thinking a lot about using mon cookware to double le capacity en le train. I know, I am a genius.” said Eric Cantona, a Eurostar chef.
Bosses at Eurostar moved quickly to approve the plan and have begun drafting contracts for passenger to sign and waive their right to safety, warmth and shelter. Those that don’t fall off a Wok, freeze or suffer health problems from fear will likely be taken to a London hospital where it is hoped they will be discharged in time for Christmas.
21st Dec 2009
Buy the Campaign Single, or the Girl gets it!
Simon Cowell is said to be disappointed that a new person is now controlling the charts in what could be the only correct use of irony since American teenagers decided to invent a new definition for it. Unbelievably, the public have bought in to this latest chart fixing with apparently lemming-esque abandon proving that the British single buying public are among the stupidest people on Earth, a likely side-effect of listening to too much Radio 1 – or more specifically, Edith Bowman (who presently holds the title of ‘Single Worst Person since Hitler Award’).
“Can you believe the absolute stupidity of the 1.5 million 5 year olds who are buying this crap?” said Hugh Smith, a shopper we collared for comment. “The Rage Against the Mechanic, or whatever, is nearly out of copyright it’s so old. And that Geordie kid is in over his head anyway – he’ll be a raving junkie before the year is out.” Several sensible people, a rare breed in modern Britain, pondered the eye-watering irony of a campaign to stop the X Factor winner from getting the top spot. To combat a single from being bought by mindless telly-addicts they pick a CD that everyone simply must buy, in effect we need a campaign to stop the 456 year old Rage Against the Twats song from being forced in to the airwaves. It’s like asking the Mongols to defeat the Nazis. …more
15th Dec 2009
European Politician Announces Plan to Regulate Baby Names
The all conquering EU is to regulate baby names in a bid to harmonise a European identity for the next phase of it’s plan to remove cultural identity among it’s citizens. The plan will see British babies being given Spanish, German and French names and will eventually include a numbering system for surnames to assist an EU taxation system.
Baby names such as Jack and Mary will be banned and replaced with foreign equivalent such as Jaques and Mailiana, any body across Europe using a predominantly British name will have their baby taken away and put in to a new care system being set up in Romania. The care system will include a correction facility to ensure the child does not demonstrate any British traits during its childhood. Once mature the newly conditioned EU citizen will be entered in to service of the EU as bureaucrats and thought police.
Labour are expected to fast-track the Baby Name Bill through parliament before the next election to guarantee it is not opposed by the wrong-thinking opposition parties who believe that removing a parents right to choose their own baby name should not be removed from them. Labour have issued a statement that said “We believe this is the right thing to do, to harmonise a European-wide cultural identity and foster a new age of togetherness must be at the forefront of our agenda. Clearly, anyone who does not support this must be removed from society for the good of all people. Baby names are not to be offered out to just anyone and responsibility needs to be taken. These are the tough decisions that we have to make.”
14th Dec 2009
Joe McElderry adjusts his Bra Strap
Removal workers tasked with emptying out the X Factor house have found what ITV spokesmen are calling ‘Educational Toys’ in Joe McElderry’s room. Joe McElderry, who last night won the X Factor, is said to be mortified but publicly he is distancing himself from allegations that the educational toys found were actually My Little Pony’s, a collection of hair dressing accessories and a dressing up kit.
This is not the first time educational toys have been at the centre of controversy. Last year there were 259 hospital admissions that were are due to ‘Educational Toy Insertion Trauma’, fortunatly nobody has died from this yet. It is thought the toys were a gift from Will Young who was said to be ‘very taken’ when meeting the boy at Cheryl Coles’ contestant selection.
Joe McElderry beat Olly Murrs in the final last night and is tipped to be almost as successful as Leon Jackson who presumably died shortly after winning the fourth season of the popular show. The single, called ‘Climb’ or something, will doubtless hit the number 1 spot despite a rather poor attempt from an internet campaign to usurp the Christmas number one position.