02nd Feb 2010
Get excited about China, the US has chucked in the towel
Chancellor Obama declared inspiration and aspiration things of the past yesterday by scrapping NASA’s Constellation programme – a re-badged Apollo using 50 year old technology. It throws in to doubt the ability for the United States to send humans in to space as the Space Shuttle has also been cancelled. Constellation was to involve two rocket types, a small, light variant called Ares I which would take small loads and humans in to orbit and a heavy lifter called Ares V which could carry bigger loads and components for a Spacecraft to be built in orbit. The US will now have to pay Russia to re-supply the International Space Station and lift satellites and probes in to orbit.
Chancellor Obama delivered an optimistic speech detailing the full extent of removing any point in actually having a space program while at the same time calling the moves ‘bold’, ‘visionary’ and ‘totally the right thing to do’. Children across the world will now have to seek inspiration from Ben 10 or a cocktail of drink and drugs as there will be no more awe-inspiring adventures from NASA for the foreseeable future.
Critics of the cutbacks blame everything from sub-prime mortgages to the car industries inability to make a cheap, affordable and above all reliable flying car. …more
01st Feb 2010
Unfortunately, Dentists are still as bad as ever.
A rise in unemployment in the City has led many to take jobs up as Holiday Home Insurance Salesmen (and women) which has turned opinion of the trade on it’s head. Previously, shoppers would avoid entire streets to evade the constant badgerings of Holiday Home Insurance salesmen but the rise in nice people taking up jobs in this area has seen the profession rise up the likable league.
Now above Traffic Wardens and catching up fast with politicians, holiday home insurance salesmen are enjoying a wave of acceptance among the shoppers of England. John Terry took the challenge of offering competitive insurance deals to shoppers in Andover and he has been pleased with the reception he has received so far. Talking from a cafe on his lunch break John Terry said “I was doing well as hedge fund manager but that all went pear-shaped. Now I offering genuinely good deals to the good folk here. They seem very keen and it keeps me happy.”
The change of opinion has come at a price for some job roles though. The rise of the Holiday Home Insurance salesman has meant that Pub Doormen and Dentists have all gone down the table of acceptable people to talk to at a moderately passive dinner party.
29th Jan 2010
The Cover Shot from the White Paper released yesterday
After almost a decade and several million pounds of funding it has been confirmed that the answer to storage problems is, in fact, storage solutions. Research group, the Thinkers Society of Britain, released a white paper yesterday to detail their findings from an exhaustive study that began in 2001. The document, titled ‘Storage, I Haz It’, weighs in at an impressive 561 pages – silencing critics of the millions in funding.
Raymond Jones, who led the research team, said “It’s reassuring to know that a common problem we all face – literally, not enough space to store our things – has an answer! And that answer is storage solutions. Simply buy more storage and you will always have enough room to put your stuff in. Of course, that’s the straight forward, corners cut version, the white paper goes in to much more detail.”
Critics were initially angered by the the estimated £4.1 million the research team received from the government but having seen the results from the Thinkers Society the critics have been tamed. James Olsen, from Tax Payers Watch, said “Initially we were outraged that this research could receive such a hugh amount of money, but given the answers they have provided with their white paper we have all been well satisfied.”
29th Jan 2010
Moment of impact! A Car Tyre strikes Craig Bellamy
Greater Manchester Police have announced that a number of fans have been charged for throwing tyres at City forward Craig Bellamy. Fans at Wednesday’s Manchester derby will remember the slightly comical scene of a section of fans throwing tyres at Manchester City striker Craig Bellamy. The Welsh forward is frequently regarded as the most annoying man in Football, superseding the ever unpopular Robbie Savage.
The fans will appear in court today and will likely face a ban from football stadiums and a community service order expected to approach 100 hours. Demonstrations have already began with many fans calling for a clause in the law to allow large objects to be thrown at Craig Bellamy. Hal Jordan, founder of campaign group ‘Bellamy’s Fair Game’, said “What has this country become if we can’t even chuck a few tractor tyres at that [man], it’s time for a change in the law!”
Football has been trying to clean itself up in recent years and has largely succeeded but this latest incident could set the campaign back. Bruce Wayne, a spokesman for the Football Association, said “We’ve been working really hard to prevent this sort of behaviour at games but it seems a few fans took no notice of our efforts and threw some car tyres at that chap with no neck. …more
22nd Jan 2010
Dame Edna Everage, sans Contact Lenses
The world was left open mouthed in shock last night as Dame Edna announced she will consider contact lenses ahead of her usual flamboyant specs. The queen of Panto/good clean comedy is famous for sporting ever more eccentric glasses and audiences have been left slightly confused at the vision of Dame Edna in contact lenses.
Friends of the popular star have stated that she has considered contact lenses for some time and feels the mood is right to make the change citing the growing weight of amusing spectacles leads to mild irritation on the bridge of her nose. Doctors have recommended she make the change as it will be the only way for her nose to heal following decades of spectacle abuse.
Dame Edna will be appearing in Britain again for the festive panto season at the end of the year and the public are expected to get their first look at the new Dame Edna, complete with contact lenses!
22nd Jan 2010
David Bowie hides in a corner and awaits Jedward's inevitable drug addiction
Legendary musician, David Bowie, is said to be maniacal after the news that Sony BMG have signed the world’s worst ‘musical’ duo since Milli Vanilli – the universally hated Jedward. Bowie, upon hearing of Jedward’s plans to release a version of the classic Bowie/Queen song ‘Under Pressure’, allegadly flew in to a rage and threw a lollipop at a group of passing Swedish tourists in a busy New York street. Friends of the iconic superstar said he remained in an unstable condition and fears remain that he could turn on visiting Irish people. One friend said “As far as Dave is concerned, the Irish are guilty by association”.
Sony have produced the equivalent of farting in the face of the entire planet by signing the talentless, obnoxious, simple and possibly inbred Irish twins and will market the hated pair to toddlers and American teenagers who have a mis-guided interpretation of irony. Simon Cowell, who had the chance to kill any interest in the hapless wasters, will feature the boys heavily in his forthcoming ‘charity’ single – a move which is sure to fire Bowie’s blood pressure through the roof. …more
21st Jan 2010
Morgan Heinrichson has fully recovered
Official F1 Merchandise for 2010 might include a new range of replica fire proof clothing as worn by the world’s most famous drivers. Highlights of the proposed new range include anti-skid underpants and fireproof gloves. Designers are hard at work with new proposals that could see the F1 Merchandise range feature utilitarian clothing that solves the problems of everyday life.
Anti-skid pants are the brainchild of chief designer, Morgan Hienrichson, who recently told how he fell off his bicycle and wore a hole through his trousers and underpants on the tarmac. This led him to think that an anti-skid pant, as worn by F1 drivers, could see popular use in the lives of the public. Mr Hienrischson also told how the office tea boy complained of burning holes in the fingers of his gloves when smoking a cigarette while outdoors. The solution had already been developed in the form of fireproof gloves, popular among F1 drivers and technicians. By including these in the range of F1 merchandise Heinrichson believes many of lifes littles problems can be resolved with new additions to the range of fan products.
F1 Merchandise has always been popular among the sports legions of fans around the world and it regularly features off-the-wall products that go on to sell thousands. …more
21st Jan 2010
Cowell Expects to make millions out of the Haiti Disaster
Simon Cowell has vowed to restore flagging careers and make millions in profit by fast tracking a ‘charity’ single for the Haiti Relief fund. The pop guru is in contact with many failing and under-exposed pop stars to record an awful version of a terrible song and so far Cheryl Cole is the only confirmed desperado to become involved, but the list is potentially endless.
Will Young, Rick Waller, Shane Ward and Jedward are expected to take part with their fee’s being the only stumbling block. Waller had been tipped off that Ward could receive up to £35 for his inclusion in the money-spinner and it is said he became enraged and threatened to pull out of rehearsals unless his fee was raised to at least £30. Cowell himself is rumoured to be taking a cut of the profits, approximately 70%, which would mean the most that could be donated to Haiti relief wouldn’t exceed 0.2% of profits.
Simon Cowell has already instructed the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to waive VAT on the single to maximise profits which should mean that Simon Cowells dentist will finally get paid off for all that dazzling work he has done.
Cowells teeth became the subject of environmental outrage last week when it was speculated that 3% of all carbon emissions globally …more
20th Jan 2010
Gordon Brown Plans to Reform the Reception Furniture Industry
Gordon Brown has already began taking offers for a new job after he resigns from politics following an expected humiliation at the ballot box later this year. With every poll now predicting a Conservative win in the next General election it is left for the Scottish bruiser to begin listening to job offers. Top of the list for the outgoing Prime Minister is a chairman’s role at a leading Reception furniture company.
With offers thin on the ground it has become apparent that a number of smaller companies have taken advantage of the PMs situation by offering him a reduced salary position at the top of their tables. The Reception furniture company in question is already a supplier to number 10 and recently made the proposal to Mr. Brown. Close aides to the nations leader have already said that he is willing to listen to any offer and even some leading conservatives are considering him for a position in one of their many businesses.
The only likely way out for Gordon will be a coalition agreement with the Liberal Democrats but this is unlikely to win public favour and Nick Clegg has privately laughed off the idea. Clegg allegedly said on a Sunday morning discussion program (possibly the Andrew Marr Show) that he’d rather dine with some rich people than share government with “that oafish ne’er do well”. Clegg himself has interest in a reception furniture company and has ruled out the idea of poaching the PMs skills for his own business. …more
19th Jan 2010
The All New Kraft Dairy Milk, which is actually just fake cheese.
New Cadbury owner, Kraft, are to re-launch Dairy Milk as yellow, rubbery, cheese-esque product that can supplement burgers or sandwiches. The new product will lose the designation of actually being chocolate and cannot qualify as cheese either, but this is “a good thing” according to a rotund American who speaks on behalf of The Benevolent and Peaceful Empire of Kraft. Randy Hopkirk, Imperial Spokesman, said “Imagine a world where chocolate is neither chocolate nor cheese! Can you imagine such a place? Well we can – and we think you’re gonna like it a whole lot. We’re gonna go ahead and make your treasured chocolate a cheese-flavored rubbery burger supplement and we know you’ll love it as much as we do!”
Great spin from the Empire but Britons are less enthusiastic. Tom Pretty, a Carol Kirkwood fancier, said “If I wanted crap cheese to put in my burger I wouldn’t buy a chocolate bar! I’m so angry right now I could… I could… oh, hang on… Carol’s giving the weather, ain’t she so hot! Cadbury’s? Whatever, mate.”
A pending amendment to the Wikipedia entry for Cadbury reads “Cadbury ceased trading in 2010 after pulling their pants down for a good shafting by the yanks. They justified this corporate sodomy by proudly displaying the final amount each board member was likely to receive – a staggering £35,562,946 each. The sell-out resulted in the highest single day unemployment rise in the UK history as well the least successful product boycott since Britons got mildly annoyed with Esso.”
A banner reading “Long Live the Empire” has been raised from Cadbury HQ in Bournville. The village is expected to be renamed Kraft-Cheese-is-good-you-ville by next week.