05th Jan 2010
Sixth Form College London Student takes it easy after week long binge
Sixth Form College London has been rated the best doss in the country following a survey of lazy, unwashed sixth formers. The highly sought-after award is expected to increase applications for the college by at least 70% in the summer as illiterate school leavers look for the easiest option before taking a gap year to Australia to further their idleness. A Sixth Form College London spokesman said “We;re obviously delighted, students these days expend a great deal of energy, perhaps up to 100 calories, researching the easiest college option. At the Sixth Form College London, we’ve been voted the best doss so applicants can be assured they’re getting it as easy as possible”.
Potential students, in the process of failing their final exams at school, greeted the news with some caution. Chardonnay Maskill, a possible applicant and all-round lazy girl, said “Yeah, it’s like totally good news but I like to think that another college will now step up their game and make it even easier for me to do absolutely nothing before my mum pays for me to go to Thailand or sumfink. Hopefully they’ll let me know because I don’t really want to have to find the best doss myself, do I?”
Other awards including ‘Largest Class Size’ and ‘Highest Proportion of Unqulaified Teachers’ all went to Schools and Colleges in the London area. …more
04th Jan 2010
Batman takes a call from Catwoman and plays nervously with the cord
Batman has lept in to the 21st century by replacing his old rotary bat phone with sparkling new VOIP phones. Purists will be happy to note that the caped crusader has insisted the VOIP phones are finished in hot red with the Batman logo emblazoned on the hand set.
When asked what took him so long to upgrade the retro phones he has had since the sixties Bruce Wayne, who apparently know Batman quite well, said “I, er, he quite liked them and to be honest I get called out by the ol’ Batman search light that everyone mistakes for an advert for a gothic nightclub. And yes, I didn’t mean ‘I’ just then, of course I meant Batman.”
The VOIP phones are rumoured to be a special edition manufactured esclusivley by Logitech for the super hero and his VOIP provider is assumed to be Skype. Band of Slugs has searched the Skype directory for Batman but could only find the Green Lantern, Hawkman and three entries for the Flash. The old Batphones will be sold to DirectLine for use in their advertisements.
04th Jan 2010
Michael O'Leary shows how much he cares
Over-priced budget airline boss, Michael O’Leary, has been branded ‘puerile’ and ‘childish’ by the office of fair trading. The news was met with shock from many consumer groups who said the OFT didn’t go far enough with their name-calling and urged a stronger stance with ‘money-pinching wankers’ and ‘con artists of the first order’ preferred to the soft, cuddly terms used originally.
Consumer group Anti-Ryanair Society of England, or ARSE, issued a statement shortly after the OFT had timidly told off the budget(ish) airline saying “Those thieves just take the piss! A government office with the OFTs influence should really be using stronger language. We urge the OFT to re-write their mild ticking off and replace ‘childish’ with ‘criminally taking the absolute piss’ and ‘puerile’ with ‘filth-ridden twats who should be strung up in London somewhere so people can throw their own crap at them’. We feel that would be a better start. And for the record, Michael O’Leary is an ugly little prick and I hope an engine falls off one of his crappy little planes and lands squarely on his head.” …more