14th Jan 2010
The British. Always first to the post with charity donations which, considering we’re all skint, is an outstanding testament to the British character. No matter the cause, so long as it is worthy of course, we’ll dig deep to help those affected and we can all be proud of our achievements when it comes to giving. There are two well publicised means by which we British donate, that is Government Aid and our own pockets, but we should be more aware of how business finance donations.
It’s all good and well the public dipping in to their hard earned wages and the government getting the vote-factor by sending of millions in tax revenues but businesses should be profiling their own charitable donations to allow the public a break from their guilt. If business were to finance large donations in the name of the country then the public could feel somewhat better about holding on to their cash and spending it here. That may come across as an excuse for the public not to bother helping people out but the point is not to reduce the amount we give in aid, but to force the hand of business to relieve the stresses on the already stretched public. …more
13th Jan 2010
How a Mesh Computers Exec might look as he approves measures to increase customer dissatisfaction
Mesh Computers have gone to incredible new lengths to lower public opinion of them by holding customers money without actually sending out any orders. The customer service policy, the brainchild of customer services manager Sumati Jetha, involves customers paying for new computers and then getting absolutely nothing in return. Mesh executives believe this revolutionary new retail format could finally force the company to give the bosses massive payoffs without having to do any further work.
Max Sherafati, owner of Mesh Computers, might have said “What we really want is to piss everyone off with the end product being a re-distribution of the money from our investment partners straight in to my bank account. I really can’t be bothered to turn up once a week anymore just to look at a load of miserable, thieving employees. I’ve got a lovely house in Surrey and like to spend more time there.”
The plan to hold customers money for an unnecessary length of time enables the business to generate a small fortune from short term stock dealings and interest rates. It is thought that the company also uses the retained capital to finance loan sharks who prey on the most vulnerable members of society. One resident in Runcorn might have told us “This big bloke turned up on door step and said I had to borrow £2,500 pounds from him, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He mumbled something about an interest rate of 3000% and if I didn’t pay he’d break my legs. I called the number on his card and got through Mesh Computers customer service. They told me they’d call back, they didn’t. the doctors said I might never walk again.”
For more on Mesh Computers being crap visit Mesh Computers – Terrible Experience – Choose Dell
13th Jan 2010
Myleene Klass Curtains are expected to be big sellers!
Myleene Klass has taken her recent experience with a peeping tom as inspiration for a range of curtains to keep nasty prying eyes out. The former Hear’Say star turned classical musician and advert regular recently waved a knife at some perverts as they loitered at her window, the incident earned her a telling off from some police officers and the very entrepreneurial idea of design her own range of curtains.
Klass, who frequently appears on top 10 hottest women alive lists, will appear nude on one her designs which, when drawn, will join her two halves together for a complete view of the former One show hostess. The reverse of the curtains features Myleene holding a knife and carrying a angry expression on her face. Curtain retailers are ecstatic about the new range and pre-orders are already setting new records for the curtain trade. Chris Ainsworth, an Armenian bloke who requires a ‘Plus 1′ if anyone’s interested, said “My curtain shop had customers yesterday! I couldn’t believe it, they all want these Myleene Klass curtains. We’ll have them in real soon but I might just eBay the lot and get more than retail value for them. Oh, and if anybody wants to be my ‘Plus 1′ some time, please get in touch.”
Myleen Klass was unavailable for comment at her home, but after waving a knife around for a while she drew her curtains to reveal a press statement which read “Sometimes you get a really good idea, other times you get paid to prance about and bang on about someone elses idea. This is the first one, my idea! Buy curtains or I’ll upgrade to a chainsaw!”
12th Jan 2010
The designers of DOUCHE, scheduled for a long spell in jail.
Product Designers from around the country were left in horror last night as a concept product design came to life and opened fire on the judging panel. The Annual Product Design Awards were being held to celebrate British product design and to drum up business from overseas but an award winning design for a new remote control attack helicopter went tragically wrong and shot dead Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and some other bloke who nobody liked anyway.
Cowell, Holden and the other bloke were there to judge to the finalists in the Overall Best Product design category and were killed when the bookies favourite, Dreaded Ordinance Ubër Cannon Helicopter Enforcer – DOUCHE, malfunctioned and dispatched the three clean-of-teeth judges. Civilians present at the awards were not harmed but left in a state of shock and relief.
Thom Japton, a Batman fan, said “Yeah, it was like totally weird. One minute Cowell is banging on about wedding singers and the next this massive helicopter shot the lot of them. I’m a bit upset because it was quite messy but also a little happier ’cause I never liked them much anyway.” Organisers of the British Product Design Awards will refund all members of the public as a show of goodwill. …more
11th Jan 2010
I think that the NHS would work great in a country whose population is not more than 40 million
Private Health Insurance in the UK is now a better alternative for your health and well-being than the NHS following rumoured plans to make it increasingly difficult to receive adequate treatment for many ailments and serious health issues. There is mounting evidence that the Government will instruct the NHS to prevent Gastric Band surgery for all but the most severe cases with an limit set at 60 BMI for patients to be considered for the controversial treatment.
Private Health Insurance companies are keen to make the public aware of the alternatives to constantly shifting restrictions in treatment including procedures and drugs. With NHS spending to be pushed further in to the spotlight, given the present economic climate, it is left for the British public to consider private options for the health needs of themselves and their family.
While many will ask how effective an instant treatment for an arguably self-induced medical problem, such as obesity, should not be funded by the NHS without the patient first considering radical changes in lifestyle it remains an ethical quandary that the gastric bands work and could potentially save the NHS money in the long term. Experts agree that the so-called ‘fat-band’ could pay for itself within 3 years. The argument pushes in to smoking and drinking with drugs being ruled out in an attempt to ‘cure’ the patient of their addictions instantly. …more
08th Jan 2010
Hippies are clamouring to hire this Camper van
Car Hire firms have turned their attentions to hippies by hiring out death trap Volkswagen Camper vans and unstable Beetles to unsuspecting hippies. The fightback against increasingly extremist hippies began as climate change activists turned their attentions to car hire firms. Socially-unproductive hippies have been accusing motorists and air travellers of having a detrimental effect on the global climate, although it is now unanimously accepted that water vapour is the culprit and increased carbon levels is an effect of rising temperatures and not the catalyst as hippies believe.
Hippy religion now advocates brutal measures against anybody driving a car or making money, they apparently operate with no regard for the law and as such companies around the world are taking a stand. Car hire firms have taken the lead in the fight against the great unwashed by hiring out VW Camper vans during the festival season, these Camper vans are equipped with remotely controlled explosives and dodgy break cables. The VW Beetles are no better, they feature leaking exhaust fumes and the dodgiest electrical systems of any vehicle on the road. It is hoped that care hire firms alone can cut the hippy population by some 10% during the summer months. …more
07th Jan 2010
Tony Blair is a great admirer of his own work
Tony Blair has began a new program of pointless speeches at corporate events following the launch of his new 2010 pricing structure. The new payment plan for companies wishing to take on the speaking talents of the former Prime Minister has seen the cost of a thirty minute speech plummet to just £6,999 – just a third of the cost in November 2009. Corporate Events organisers are clamouring to employ the services of a warmonger to liven up the usually dull occasions.
Luck Stanford, a Corporate Events Organiser from Stoke, said “It looks good on the invitations. You open up the invite and there is Tony Blair grinning at you with a little speech bubble saying something ‘Look, let me be absolutely clear on this – David Miliband is pretending to be me!’” Many workers and share holders are now worried that their corporate event may include the once important person but the greatest fear remains his wife. In a recent survey of Invitees to various Corporate Events 90% said they would quit their jobs and move to Russia if they so much as hear Cherie Blair sneezing. 50% said they would consider an over-dose if she tried to engage them in conversation.
07th Jan 2010
The evil Looking Ady Gil is now in the hands of unhygienic terrorists
Japan has finally shown some balls and laid the smack down on a group of anti-whaling irritants who somehow managed to steal a boat from Area 51. The Sea Shepherd Conservation Society have been annoying Japanese whalers for bloody ages and, as expected, the Japanese have lost it and smashed the hippies boat in two.
The boat holds the record for fastest circumnavigation of the planet as well as the record for being the most polluting boat ever made. The crew had been engaged in childish pranks against Japanese whalers for some time, throwing stink bombs at boats which contain enough toxins to kill an Orca and shining a laser pen at crew. Such is the ferocity of their pranks that it was only a matter of time before the Japanese steered their ship in to the trimaran and taught the unwashed antagonists a good lesson. That they did, and the Ady Gil has been split in two.
Unfortunately the activists on board the Ady Gil have been rescued and it is not known if the funny looking boat can be salvaged. Meanwhile the Japanese can finally get on with their jobs and without annoying obstructions from hippies they are confident they can eliminate Whales from Earths seas within 10 months. Good work Japan!
06th Jan 2010
Captain Kirk will use any means to stop the Nexus!
The new Google Nexus One Phone, announced yesterday, is to include a free app to warp space and time and bring about certain destruction to the universe. Previously, Google used the phone in Beta to affect matters in the 24th century and was only stopped when Captain Picard, a dead ringer for Patrick Stewart, urged Kirk to assist him in preventing Google from destroying the galaxy. The two captains succeeded but Google now operates in our time and with no Kirk or Picard to save our souls the UN has called for the international science community to find a way of bringing Kirk and/or Picard in to our time to save the day once more.
Google are already thought to be in league with the devil having been found to monitor everybody’s emails, search patterns and browsing history for their own evil gains but this new plan will surprise even the Borg – who themselves have attempted to travel back in time to kill everyone. A Google spokesman said “We are aware of the Borg effort to travel in to the past and kill everything, but their mistake was not to travel back far enough. We came back to the 1990′s and began our operation then so we’re pretty sure Kirk won’t be saving the day this time. Picard has a bit more scruples about him so he could be a threat but I think we’re prepared. We’ll destroy France first and he’ll never have been born. Job’s a good ‘un, eh?!” …more
05th Jan 2010
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero is a myth, Mr Bean is running Spain
As unexpected, the Spanish Prime Minister is actually Mr Bean. Speculation has been rife over the last few weeks regarding the true identity of the Spanish PM with many tipping him to be Louis Walsh, the Duke of Edinburgh or even Noel Edmunds but the truth is sure to come as a surprise to millions of Spaniards that he is in fact a bumbling half wit and not just a figment of the nations collective imaginations as thought.
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero has been largely responsible for the biggest drop in employment in Spain since a particularly nasty strain of Flu broke out early in the 20th century and decimated the population. Spain’s unemployment, running at 19%, is enough to drive the country to communism but with the reality of Zapateros identity now in the public domain the population are more likely to laugh themselves out of a revolution.
The EU stepped in to confirm the revelation and insisted the Mr Bean is the right man for the job as Spain laughably takes the EU presidency for six months. During their term in the presidency Spain is likely to loot EU coffers and bail themselves out which could mean consequences from France as they look to pilfer as much revenue as possible from the monocracy.
Rowan Atkinson, formerly thought to have been Mr Bean, is said to be glad he will no longer face the stigma of resembling the laughably stupid Bean but said “Now I just have to put up with the mickey taking I’m going to get for looking like Spain’s prime minister. Nobody should have to face that when they’re in the checkout line in Tesco.”