07th Dec 2009
Tough on Farts, Tough on the causes of Farts!
Leading Suits from around the world are meeting in Copenhagen today in a fresh round of discussions that aim to create ever more ridiculous taxes based around an assumption that we’re all killing the Planet. Despite human activity accounting for less than 3% of carbon emissions the suits aim to guilt us all in to coughing up more money to pay for their pensions and jumped up jobs that appear only to make things worse for everyone.
Gordon Brown, the worlds foremost expert in Bullshit, is expected to announce a new tax on farting to counter human methane output. There will also be new taxes on anybody eating beef products to pay for Cow trumps, and don’t even think about bacon and sausage for breakfast – a new ‘Full English’ tax could raise the price of the nations favourite breakfast meal to an average of £25.99 – except in Happy Chef, where the meat content of their plates is close to zero.
The BBC are expected to play their part by ensuring the public are well and truly hoodwinked in to believing that a rise in carbon emissions leads to global warming and not, as science dictates, the other way around. Experts, who are risking their lives …more
02nd Dec 2009
Quickly, point the bottle at those Socialist Oiks over there!
The entire Champagne region of France is to be moved to an area of Surrey in a bid to eliminate carbon emissions from the transport of the expensive booze to its inevitable destination in the wealthy county of England. Almost all Champagne ends up in the glasses of Surrey’s wine bars and now it looks set to be made there too.
Environmentalists have long argued that since 94.6% of the Champagne produced goes straight to Surrey the farming and production should be moved there in order to cut down on emissions and save planet Earth from the humans. The EU, who have recently experienced French rudeness first hand, are said to back the plans and would like nothing better than to annoy President Sarkozy. French manufacturers are considering their next move as their families are unlikely to resettle in England given the average French person can expect only a bad reception from the thoroughly Conservative population in the wealthiest county in the UK.
The Champagne region is expected to find a new home in Runnymede district but the product will retain its famous name so as not to put Surrey folk off. Locals had mixed feelings about the move, Francis Farnsworth, a local, said “While I obviously don’t drink, ever, what if we Surrey folk decided to move to the Champagne region …more