22nd Dec 2009
The SNP arrive in Court
Simon Cowell’s production company, Syco, is in line to head up the live politcal TV debates that will be aired next year featuring the three major political parties and possibly the vast girls blouse that is the SNP if their legal challenge to feature in the show is successful. Simon Cowell will likely be on the judging panel which could include Nick Griffen, Tony Benn and Joanna Lumley.
The three debates will take on a typical talent show format with the public voting off who they believe are the weakest with the winner to receive the keys to number 10. Nick Clegg, already second favourite to be booted off the show, said “Do you know how many women I have slept with? No?! It’s a lot, I can tell you. I also like to dress up as David Bowie and engage in heavy drinking sessions at parties. Invite me to yours! You won’t regret it.” When asked if he thought his Liberal Party could make in-roads with the live television debates he said “Well, not really. We’re the same party that thinks the Guardian is a text-book of popular social thought and opinion. We will effectively ban you from cars, pubs, Morrisons and eating pies. Seriously, would you vote for that?” …more
21st Dec 2009
The Chef insists his idea will have something to do with Seagulls.
Eurostar have unveiled an unorthodox plan to get the estimated 55,000 stranded travellers back to Blighty by dragging them from the back of a train on an assortment of Cookware. Oven trays, large commercial sauce pans and Ken Hom Woks will be used to double capacity on the fast trains and get everyone home from Europe in good time for the Queens speech. The Cookware plan was devised by a Chef aboard a broken Eurostar train who saw all of his pots and pans sitting their doing nothing.
“Zoot Alor! Zis is what I thought when I saw all of zees cookwares about mon kitchen. I would like to be serving petit pois wiz Foie Gras and a sintilating rouge vin to zee passengers. But I cannot. Instead, I am thinking a lot about using mon cookware to double le capacity en le train. I know, I am a genius.” said Eric Cantona, a Eurostar chef.
Bosses at Eurostar moved quickly to approve the plan and have begun drafting contracts for passenger to sign and waive their right to safety, warmth and shelter. Those that don’t fall off a Wok, freeze or suffer health problems from fear will likely be taken to a London hospital where it is hoped they will be discharged in time for Christmas.
21st Dec 2009
Buy the Campaign Single, or the Girl gets it!
Simon Cowell is said to be disappointed that a new person is now controlling the charts in what could be the only correct use of irony since American teenagers decided to invent a new definition for it. Unbelievably, the public have bought in to this latest chart fixing with apparently lemming-esque abandon proving that the British single buying public are among the stupidest people on Earth, a likely side-effect of listening to too much Radio 1 – or more specifically, Edith Bowman (who presently holds the title of ‘Single Worst Person since Hitler Award’).
“Can you believe the absolute stupidity of the 1.5 million 5 year olds who are buying this crap?” said Hugh Smith, a shopper we collared for comment. “The Rage Against the Mechanic, or whatever, is nearly out of copyright it’s so old. And that Geordie kid is in over his head anyway – he’ll be a raving junkie before the year is out.” Several sensible people, a rare breed in modern Britain, pondered the eye-watering irony of a campaign to stop the X Factor winner from getting the top spot. To combat a single from being bought by mindless telly-addicts they pick a CD that everyone simply must buy, in effect we need a campaign to stop the 456 year old Rage Against the Twats song from being forced in to the airwaves. It’s like asking the Mongols to defeat the Nazis. …more
15th Dec 2009
European Politician Announces Plan to Regulate Baby Names
The all conquering EU is to regulate baby names in a bid to harmonise a European identity for the next phase of it’s plan to remove cultural identity among it’s citizens. The plan will see British babies being given Spanish, German and French names and will eventually include a numbering system for surnames to assist an EU taxation system.
Baby names such as Jack and Mary will be banned and replaced with foreign equivalent such as Jaques and Mailiana, any body across Europe using a predominantly British name will have their baby taken away and put in to a new care system being set up in Romania. The care system will include a correction facility to ensure the child does not demonstrate any British traits during its childhood. Once mature the newly conditioned EU citizen will be entered in to service of the EU as bureaucrats and thought police.
Labour are expected to fast-track the Baby Name Bill through parliament before the next election to guarantee it is not opposed by the wrong-thinking opposition parties who believe that removing a parents right to choose their own baby name should not be removed from them. Labour have issued a statement that said “We believe this is the right thing to do, to harmonise a European-wide cultural identity and foster a new age of togetherness must be at the forefront of our agenda. Clearly, anyone who does not support this must be removed from society for the good of all people. Baby names are not to be offered out to just anyone and responsibility needs to be taken. These are the tough decisions that we have to make.”
14th Dec 2009
Joe McElderry adjusts his Bra Strap
Removal workers tasked with emptying out the X Factor house have found what ITV spokesmen are calling ‘Educational Toys’ in Joe McElderry’s room. Joe McElderry, who last night won the X Factor, is said to be mortified but publicly he is distancing himself from allegations that the educational toys found were actually My Little Pony’s, a collection of hair dressing accessories and a dressing up kit.
This is not the first time educational toys have been at the centre of controversy. Last year there were 259 hospital admissions that were are due to ‘Educational Toy Insertion Trauma’, fortunatly nobody has died from this yet. It is thought the toys were a gift from Will Young who was said to be ‘very taken’ when meeting the boy at Cheryl Coles’ contestant selection.
Joe McElderry beat Olly Murrs in the final last night and is tipped to be almost as successful as Leon Jackson who presumably died shortly after winning the fourth season of the popular show. The single, called ‘Climb’ or something, will doubtless hit the number 1 spot despite a rather poor attempt from an internet campaign to usurp the Christmas number one position.
14th Dec 2009
Francis Bacon may have shat up to 24,000 times.
Representatives for poor countries in Copenhagen are set to unveil an ambitious plan to completely fleece rich countries by playing the climate change card and guilting western leaders in to stumping up £30 billion that they say will help them combat the death of the planet. Western nations had already offered £6 billion but were quickly told that if they only gave that much the poor countries would have to set fire to all their trees and leave the car running overnight.
A statement from the Poor and Small Island Nations Alliance said “You lot think that people are causing this when we know that it is actually the God ‘Seethreeppeo’ who, with his mate that looks like a kitchen bin, eat lots of curry and fart huge amounts of hot air in to the atmosphere. You can’t stop them or they’ll get angry and smite us all. Instead we want loads of money because you’re all a bunch of gullible pricks who will actually shaft your people to ensure you get to look smug and can hob-knob with the likes of Geldof, Chris Martin, various hippies and Bono.”
Because western nations are all so preoccupied with philantropy it is likely that they will offer the requested money but they will need to invent at least another 3 taxes to cover the cost. …more
11th Dec 2009
Oh dear, what is this MP up to?
An anonymous MP has created photo books of other MPs in compromising situations that will rock the foundations of parliament if it is ever released. Using a bog standard digital camera the MP has recorded some of the most disturbing images yet of bizarre behaviour from British members of parliament and has began to publish the images in photo books that the unnamed MP will release unless Gordon Brown publicly admits he quite fancies Angela Merkel.
Band of Slugs has had an exclusive preview of the pictures and can reveal that would almost certainly raise an eyebrow with the British public. The photo books are set to include disturbing images of high profile MPs in some of the most shocking revelations in to their unusual private lives. It can not be understated enough that the books could potentially bring down the entire political system in the UK with ministers and shadow ministers alike all in the frame.
The demand from the anonymous MP is simple, Prime Minister Brown need only publicly admit the nature of his admiration of the German leader and the photo books will never see the light of day. Sources close to the Prime Minister say Mr Brown will not tolerate blackmail and once the identity of the books author is discovered he or she will likely go the same way as Doctor Kelley. there may be trouble ahead.
10th Dec 2009
Here's our World Affairs editor, he can drink his weight in Brandy and make it home without pissing himself.
This is the 100th post on Band of Slugs, the factual news site that literally bleeds honesty and integrity. What are doing to mark this milestone of truth and well-informed opinion? Nothing, we’re to busy being enormously honourable in our reporting. It takes a lot to be this clean in citizen journalism, a world of cut throat competition, it’s a labour of love that we undertake here to bring you a shining beacon of enlightened thought in a sea of utter bollocks. A duty to which we are bound by loyalty to our readership, a task that will never be completed so long as there are filth peddlers like the Independent out there.
09th Dec 2009
Labour, on course to destroy the UK!
No. It can’t and it won’t. Alistair Darling will today announce a super tax on Bankers bonuses which will likely send every banker, and their £7 Billion annual tax contribution, packing to some nice European city to do their business. The impact of this on business finance is potentially very bad and yet Labour reacting to a crisis by waving another tax law at the top of the money tree. Not content with keeping the poor poor, Labour are seemingly trying to make the rich poor too.
Blame not the bankers for the mess we’re in – remember this government have whizzed nearly a fifth of a Trillion on this recession and we are the only G20 country still in recession. The government would have us believe that it’s business finance and the plundering of it that will save us. Wrong, it will dry up credit for smaller businesses that make up the lions share of employment in this country.
What is their problem? Communists. Plundering the Bankers wallets will have a negative effect on business finance as SMB’s will struggle to get the credit they need without banks taking a few risks. This government seems bent on destroying this country and there can be only one explanation – they’re French. …more
08th Dec 2009
Sarkozy wants a bit of this action, but he may be too short to take the ride!
The world’s leaders are to schedule future state events with Bankers after it emerged they are now richer than the Queen on average. A corporate event for bankers costs an incredible 230% more than a state banquet held by her Majesty and global leaders are choosing to attend these lavish events instead. Typical corporate events for bankers can even rival the outlay for the Oscars and top bankers can look forward to gifts from premier design houses and electronics manufacturers.
Gordon Brown has benefited from such events already with every room in 10 Downing Street equipped with the latest Neo PDP televisions from Panasonic and a Gucci Plug-in air freshener. French President and renowned attentionist Nikolas Sarkozy is already angling for invitations to premier corporate events in the city but is out of favour with bankers because of his ambitions to curtail the financial powerhouse of London, the source of bankers phenomenal wealth.
Leaked footage from one such Corporate Event for bankers revealed debauchery and opulence on a scale not seen since Russell Brand’s New Years Eve party in 2005. The video shows bankers engaging in illegal futures gambling with a deck of Page 3 Top Trumps and a scandalous rant about Alistair Darling and his attempts to moderate the banking industry. The video has recently been destroyed and it’s contents cannot be verified. But it did happen, honest.