18th Nov 2009
Jordan calls her regular taxi to get her out of the Jungle
Controversy was sparked last night when it emerged that Jordon has paid for a holiday home insurance claim in Australia leading to speculation that she is in fact only a Celebrity Jungle dweller during normal working hours and living quite comfortably in one of her Australian properties.
The top heavy glamour star paid for the holiday home insurance on a property in Australia and the duration of the cover spans her time in the jungle. A source close to the star said “This is outrageous, to accuse Katie [Who is Katie - Ed] of this is abhorrent in the extreme. She’s no cheat! Well, okay she is – but only a marriage cheat and let’s be honest, who isn’t?”
The company that provided the holiday home insurance confirmed that a British celebrity had indeed purchased the cover but refused to confirm who it is. In a statement they said “For Christ’s sake, would you just get out of my face – look, the thing is we’re doing something of a Max Branning. Keep quiet and I’ll see you right, yeah?”
In related news, Doctors are concerned that Jordan may have rabbies given that she is now hydrophobic and seems to be growing horse lips.
17th Nov 2009
Chancellor Obama gives the Chinese some shtick
Chancellor Obama had more than 1 billion people in hysterics last night as he unleashed his stand up comedy routine in China. In front of the TV cameras he rolled out a series of rib ticklers which included calls for China to give her people Internet freedom and human rights.
The Jesus-a-like proved to be a crowd pleaser going as far to mention that he’ll still sell weapons to Taiwan, a joke that was met with some heckling from the crowd. The Chancellor, in true stand-up tradition, soon took down the hecklers with an appeasing joke about the ownership of Tibet to much applause. The routine is now a favourite on Chinese state television, CCTV (seriously), and the viewing figures suggest every single man, woman and child in China has now watched it 2.3 times.
The highlight of the routine came when the Chancellor did his shtick on human rights. Obama started the gag with “So what’s the deal with human rights? You guys ever heard of that? No, me neither! What the hell happened to human lefts? Yeah, that’s right the weird ones, perhaps they’re all in Japan, eh?!” The hilarity didn’t stop there when Chancellor Obama moved on to Internet freedom in the communist state. “So I tried to Google myself in one of your Internet cafes yesterday. Pretty hard when you can’t Google anything at all, instead I got Baidu?! Baidu!? WTF! How do you make a verb out of that – ‘I Baidu-ed myself’, it just doesn’t sound right.”
Towards the end of his routine, Obama turned to the watching Communist party members and said “In America we have meetings and we exchange opinions and ideas. In China the communists idea of an exchange of opinion is that you turn up with yours and leave with theirs!”
16th Nov 2009
Olly does a good job on the Twins
Olly Murs performed on X Factor with a broken finger at the weekend after violently beating the twins in the house the contestants share. Olly bravely put his injury to one side to perform brilliantly on Saturdays show and is still recovering.
The incident at the home flared when the Jedward twins insisted that they were better boxers than Ricky Hatton, Lennox Lewis or even Joe Callzaghe. Olly is alleged to have lost his temper and beat them with a piece of gym equipment. The X Factor PR machine moved quickly to insist that Olly’s injury was “merely a light-hearted accident, Olly accidentally punched a boxing bag stand and hilariously broke his finger. The twins are fine.”
Rumours from inside the house suggest that Olly was fed up of the Twins getting through week after week while the shows talents get routinely ejected. The safety of the twins will be thrown in to fresh doubt this week as Jamie was booted off the show, prompting many to ask “What’s the point anymore?”.
Meanwhile, Calvin Harris wasted a golden opportunity to punch one of the Jedward twins live on the X Factor on Saturday. The nation was briefly swept by a wave of hope when the lunatic jumped on stage while the annoying Irish children where ‘performing’ …more
12th Nov 2009
David Cameron has been consulting various tradesmen about his vision for 10 Downing Street ahead of his expected move next year. After winning the general election Mister Cameron is expected to install a swimming pool, loft insulation and double glazing to the front of the house. Top of the agenda for the Tory leader is underfloor heating in the kitchen where it is said the slate tiled floor can get a bit chilly in the winter.
A source close to the future prime minister said “He loves all that eco nonsense but when it comes to his house he’s all about the mod-cons! What sort of country can we call this if the leader doesn’t have a swimming pool or underfloor heating?” When asked what, if any, considerations were being made to make the famous house more environmentally friendly he told us “Well he wants one of those Dyson Airblades! He loves them, everyone does. They use less power to dry your hands so I suppose that’s a bit of good news for the tree huggers.”
Meanwhile, 3 van loads of paper shredders have been delivered to No. 10. It is not known what their purpose is but some have speculated that they are intended to create shredding for the Gordon browns hamsters.
12th Nov 2009
Bugger the people, we want more money say SFA & ECB
The Scottish Football Association, or at least their best attempt at one, and the English Cricket Board both came out to denounce government plans to allow all Britons, regardless of wealth, watch top sports on free-to-air TV channels.
The Scottish FA said of the plan to put all four nations home football matches on terrestrial channels to ensure everybody can enjoy the beautiful (adjective applies to English football only) game without having to pay for satellite equipment. A spokesman said “Och nay, ya shite-ing bastarts yee! Those arseholing jessies in their posh London hurmes divvunee have a clue aboot what we Scots want. We want to charge, through the nose, for our people tee watch the foootbal – populist nonsense, full o’ crap they are! Do they think our pensions and annual bonuses pay fer themsel’s? Let me tell yoo boy! They do not.”
Meanwhile the English Cricket Board (ECB) were far more intelligble and eloquent with their rebutal of the Governemnt plans. In the proposal the popular Ashes series, where England take on Austrailia for a week of Oz-based cheatery, is set to be broadcast for free. …more
11th Nov 2009
Robbie Bungie Jumps from his home in Heaven
Robbie Williams is expected to to take Take That back this week, paving the way for return to the charts for The Robbie Williams and his Northern Chums Band. Tens of fans are expected to storm the BBC’s Children in Need event where it’s expected that Robbie will perform with his reformed group to a select gathering of 30-somethings who still remember them from the first time.
Robbie Williams said “Obviously I have been terribly successful since I got rid of them back in t’ day, but I feel that t’ time is reet to have them back under my wing and in my considerable shadow. That’s quite a nice line, is that – I might just use it a new song that I’ll write with someone else. The boys will make super-smashing-great backing singers on it.”
Gary Barlow, one of the backing singers, said “We tried to do it ourselves without him, but it we just couldn’t fight against such an enormous ego! I mean the guy is a walking, talking, singing, dancing self-indulgence. He is magnificent and we all feel quite humbled that he would have us back at a time when we thought we couldn’t get any lower.” …more
10th Nov 2009
Oh dear, Medic to Accounts on the double!
Modern Warfare 2 was released last night at midnight prompting the biggest slump in productivity in Britain’s workplaces since the Final Fantasy VII was released in 1997. Men, some as old as 50, waited in the cold and rain for stores to open their doors to purchase the game. Early reports suggest as much as 10% cut in total productivity among both sexes as the work rate from men plunged a total of 80%.
Analysts predicted the fall in male productivity could last 4 days, at which point the game, from Activision, would have out lived the attention span of those playing it. Employers had predicted that the release of the game would impact on their turnover and have long had a policy of employing women who are far more likely to do their job with only pregnancy causing any concern over their return on investment. It is thought that this policy, employed by many western nations, except for Australia who refuse to allow their male population access to games that could cause an outbreak of non-beach based fun, is the cause for many nations coming out of recession.
Games retailers are braced for a wave of trade-ins which will severely impact the supply to demand ratio of second hand titles available …more
09th Nov 2009
Simon Cowell is to be assassinated after pulling his trousers down and defecating on the British public from a significant height. He did this live on television on Sunday night. When given the opportunity to banish the unstable anti-talented twins he instead allowed the British public, who have been denied a proper education since 1997, to choose by going to the public vote. Lucy [Jones, is it?] scored the fewest votes and despite having more talent in one bum-spot than the twins could possibly muster in several lifetimes she got the boot.
The UK Government, headed byX Factor fan Gordon Brown who can’t write or spell correctly, will use public money to create a new show called “Britain’s Got Assassins” which will scour the four nations to find the most creative and destructive method of death for Simon Cowell. Stacey Soloman, from Dagenham, said “Look here, I’ll drop my immaculately cute and affable personality and get straight to business – Cowell has to go, and my vote would involve a pack of dogs, a big bag of salt and a swimming pool with a single, near-starved Killer Whale. It’d be quick but by God he’d know pain.” …more
06th Nov 2009
Israeli forces have detained a shipment of Air Conditioning units bound for Lebanon’s Hizbollah movement. Tens of the air cooling devices were found onboard a vessel in the Israeli port of Ashdod where the military were investigating reports that Air Conditioning units were being trafficked to militants across the region. The provision of domestic luxuries to terrorists is explicitly outlawed by the Government in Israel and they have already been embarrassed by reports that shipments of brown goods have already made it past their rigorous checks.
Sources close to the investigation have told Band of Slugs that the containers were marked with Iranian shipping codes which suggests that Tehran may be supplying comfort goods to militants in the region.
An Israeli Defence spokesman said “We are not going to tolerate the willful supply of Air Conditioning units to schmucks. This act of chutzpah is in direct violation of gischmoigun and warrants strong action against the meshugener who is responsible. Now we have to shlep this schlock around, whoever did this is in some serious tsuris.”
Hizbollah were unavailable for comment but it is understood that they are already busy installing the home entertainment systems they received from the ayatollah last week.
05th Nov 2009
Pierre Lellouche, a French person, has asked the British people to give him a good kicking in response to David Camerons promise to stop the EU from stealing the UK. Pierre Lellouche, which translates as ‘Peter the Shower-Dodger’, accused the British of being universally autistic, pathetic, sad and castrated before finishing his statement with “…and I would love it if the British came and give me a right good kicking.”
David Cameron and William Hague will promise to hold a referendum on which of the two MP’s will get to deliver the kicking and voters will be urged to pick the man who they believe will most enthusiastically hand out a royal standard beating to the French surrenderist.
William Hague is the bookies favourite after appearing on Sky News this morning to begin his campaign for the position of Chief French Beater. He said “And I call upon the British people to choose me to beat the little git. I’m from good northern stock so I know what it’s like to get drunk of a Friday night about the town and senselessly beat up another person. It’s the British way!” …more