30th Nov 2009
"Give me a Franco/German Alliance over the English anyday!"
The SNP today outlined their ambitious plan to split the British union and to declare the EU as the new rulers of Scotland. In a chapter entitled “Our Ego Knows No Bounds” the SNP delivered a damning verdict on the Scottish people who run the historic union from Westminster in London and proposed that a Franco/German alliance might be better at running the show from their castle in Belgium.
Some Scots, who may have taken ‘Braveheart’ too seriously, are pleased that the SNP are driving through an agenda of change in the powers that control Scotland. Alistair McTavish, a Scottish person, said “Och aye, I cannee be bothahed aboot those english bastarts who kem here tee treat oor wimmen leek shite, d’yee knaa. Aye, Scotland tee the arseholes in Europe – it cannee be any wurse nee can it?”
English people are largely pleased with the plans, but are worried that they’ll still end up paying for the Scots through their bloated European bill. English groups have been set up to ask why they pay so much money to Scotland and why there are so many Scots running the show in London. Peter Smith, head of the ‘Where is all our Tax Money going?’ said “We are tantalisingly close to the answers. We are run by a load of sweaties, and we give a lot of money to them – the answer is on the tip of my tongue. Meanwhile, we have been wondering why the hell it’s the jocks who want a referendum on independence – why can’t the English have their say?”
Scotland are unlikely to get a vote on indepence as the SNP is in a minority, despite being in charge of things up there, and the other parties are aware that the country is effectively laughing all the way to the RBS, on English bail-out money, so long as they remain in the Union.
27th Nov 2009
Oh look! Someone waved me a picture of a cat with a gun. Again.
Google Wave is widely being regarded as revolutionary and is expected to become the new must have Application for this brave new internet of everyone knowing everything about you and everyone else being told, whether they care or not. Most likely, they don’t. Which is why Google Wave provides the new benchmark in pointless crap I don’t want to read.
Having been included in a number of Waves I have so far struggled to grasp one nugget of anything even remotely resembling useful information. Typical nonsense includes “Can you read this?”, Wow this is so cool”" or “OMG LOL ROFL LMAO TBH IMHO ETC BLAH YADA”. The only thing I get from Google Wave is that it has potential to be a very useful tool. But it won’t be.
It will instead be hijacked by people hell bent on telling you a lot of [poo] you don’t want to know, or telling you a lot of [poo] that just doesn’t matter. Google Wave is not the application for people who care about significant things because they will be disappointed with what will turn out to be a new way of passing on the same old jokes. …more
26th Nov 2009
Away an' jobbie ye'sells!
Susan Boyle has asked several celebrity friends for their recommendations for a decent Osteopath after it emerged that scenes of her crying were from chronic back pain and not the pressures of fame as originally thought. The singing sensation, who rose to fame on Britain’s Got Talent, had been thought to be suffering from the constant pressures of fame and an easy life. However Band of Slugs can exclusively reveal that the singer simply needs a good Osteopath to sort her out.
Celebrity gossip magazines had filled their pages with talk of SuBo cracking under the weight of attention as she impressed the crowds in New York. Pictures filled the tabloids with speculation that earning a living by just singing a couple of songs must have been a fierce struggle for the Scottish lady. A spokesman for the Boyle said “Och, nay laddie! She’s nay bothered by the fame or the loot. She’s just got a hurtie back, don’t worry yersell’s.”
25th Nov 2009
A Labour Politician. Rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Tragedy on Fleet Street this morning when the staff of the Daily Mirror all died of boring – a rare affliction where a group of people lose the will to live when they become too dull. The illness may have been compounded by a further affliction that had gripped the office – it has emerged that they all suffered with being too pro-labour. Early indications suggest they were all so pro-labour they began to run delusional headlines suggesting that the Tories are in it for the money. Well, duh…
While this is almost universally accepted as fact, the Mirror went as far as to suggest that Labour were not in power for the single purpose of getting big, fat and rich beyond their wildest dreams. A subtext in the paper promoting Labours vision of a fairer society, equality, yada yada yada gushed from their front page in a piece many are comparing to communist propaganda worthy of North Korea.
Books of condolences have been opened up in high streets around the country but they remain empty as people are still reeling from the epic hypocrisy that poured today’s frontpage. In short, nobody cares.
25th Nov 2009
John and Edward Compete for Dominance
John and Edward Grimes were said to be at each others throats last night over which of them sleeps with Jordan first. The irritating pair are clear favourites to be Jordan’s next conquest but are said to be fighting like cage fighters to be first in with the glamour model. David Attenborough has expressed his desire to film the rare mating ritual, but ITV have denied the leading figure in animal couplings access.
Rumours in various celebrity forums suggest that Jordan would not worry which of the high-barnetted brothers gets the gig as they are pretty much exactly the same. Nobody is even sure which of the brothers will come out on top as it is not fully understood which one is John and which is Edward. According to past girlfriends, of which there are 2, neither of the boys are blessed with anything approaching a normal penis.
The twins are currently locked in battle in a hotel room in London. The manager for the hotel, which we can’t name in case somebody tries to stop them killing each other, said “They’re trashing the room but ITV have assured me that they’ll pay handsomely for all the damage so long as I hand over the CCTV footage. Something about a new show called ‘Jedwapocalypse’ I think.”
Jordan will select the dominant male when the Irish mating ritual is completed. Meanwhile, the public live in fear of Jedward/Jordan offspring completely dominating Television and Celebrity magazines in a few years time.
23rd Nov 2009
John and Edward are out. Release the Tanks!
Britain is living in the grip of fear after John and Edward Grimes were released from the X Factor at the weekend. Jedward are now expected to be seen far more frequently on television shows now that they are no longer confined to quarantine which has led to wide spread panicking among the public.
The villagers of Shipton Bellinger, Wilts, have gone as far as to dismantle the Television aeriel and demolish incoming roads to prevent exposure to the Irish twins. One prominent resident told Band of Slugs “We aren’t taking any chances here, the children need to be protected from this evil. We are writing to the Government to provide aid and we have issued Simon Cowell with an ASBO for his role in creating this atrocity.”
ITV are expected to unleash the fantasist pair with a packed appearance schedule, taking in their daytime shows as well as a role in Coronation Street where the boys are expected to approximate a song and dance routine in the knicker factory.
Public order groups have requested the army are returned from overseas operations to patrol the streets with orders to shoot the twins on site if they are seen to be communicating in any way with scared Britons. …more
20th Nov 2009
A Mini on the Moon
NASA have revealed plans to send a fleet of BMW Mini’s to the moon in preparation for planned human expeditions in the next decade. The diminutive cars are said to be perfect for lunar roving with just minor adaptations and as the vehicles are so small it is thought the new ARES V could blast off with up to 5 Mini’s in cargo. It echos the Mini advertisement campaign, which runs with the slogan “It’s a Mini Adventure”, but there’s nothing mini about these plans.
A spokesman for NASA said “I bought one the other day so I could comfortably drive on sidewalks to the office – I don’t like roads much, not enough space! Geddit! Space? Not enough!” BMW are preparing a special Mini Space Edition which will feature the modifications that NASA have requested. These include Big Foot style wheels, a larger sun roof and tinted windows throughout.
20th Nov 2009
An Artists (ahem) impression of the event
An awards ceremony in Basildon ended in tragedy last night when a popular web design team collectively urinated on an Apple Mac and electrocuted themselves. The unnamed collective were tipped for the prestigious Web Design Essex Award but it is thought that they were too enthusiastic with the free bar and lost control of their bladders at approximately 21:00, just 30 minutes before the announcement of the winners.
Paramedics were called to the event but it is thought that the team, all males, are unlikely to regain full use of their genitals. A spokesman for the Web Design Essex Awards said the organisers were shocked and they are unlikely to offer a free bar next year.
Sources close to the tragic team agreed that they often drank themselves in to an horrific state and would make often humorous attempts to pull a girlfriend. The men are all expected to be released from hospital later this week and the awards ceremony has been rescheduled.
19th Nov 2009
Tony Blair will be this boys Boss
Tony Blair will be offered the position of European Chief of Shoe Shining today in a bid to appease Britons who want rid of the man who orchestrated the beginnings of the new UK totalitarian state. European people in suits will offer the top job of President to a small and insignificant person who will perform tricks for the German and French leaders at many an EU soirée.
Blair had been a contender for the EU court jester role but it is thought that he simply isn’t funny enough to satisfy the notoriously humourless Angela Merkel, who, it is rumored, has never laughed once in her life. Sources close to the decision process have commented on Sarkozy’s jealousy at Tony Blair’s height which would make the French President feel even more insecure about his unnaturally stunted frame.
The model for the decision making process has been taken verbatim from an old soviet method where the people are merely told what is good for them and to hell with public opinion.
19th Nov 2009
Thiery Henry needed to cheat to beat the Irish. How crap are the French?
The age old cliche ‘The Luck of the Irish’ was finally killed off yesterday and replaced with the more accurate ‘The Luck of the French’. An amendment will be made to the Queens speech to add the ‘Luck of the Irish Bill’ which will now ban any reference to the Irish being anything other than drunk and certainly not lucky. A second extra Bill will seek to change all occurrences in any media of the Irish being lucky to the French being “lucky and smelly”.
While the Irish football team are hardly any good, the French needed Argentinian-style cheatery to put them to the sword. Thiery Henry displayed dazzling abilities last night to put the woefully sub-average Irish out of next years World Cup last night. The French superstar sensationally used all his prowess to perform an undetected double-handball and setup his team mate for the winning goal.
The former Arsenal striker used his left to control the ball twice in rapid succession leaving confused English people to wonder if they cared at all. Jurgen Klausmieyer, an English person, said “I really don’t know how to feel. On the one hand I couldn’t care less but on the other I feel I should be really patronising and offer exaggerated sympathies to the Irish. Ahh, the poor little Irish got knocked out by le frogs, diddums!”
UK News outlets had filled their airwaves and presses with a campaign of utterly false and near embarrassing unity with a nation that has ridden her luck for too long. Jacquie Beltrao, a Sky New anchor for Sports, seemed almost motherly this morning and talked in baby-tones as she said “The poor ickle Irish getting bullied by the nasty-wasty French, there there, paddy-poo. We made you this pretty certificate of merit and were going to give you all gold stars. Ain’t that nice. Yeah.”