28th Oct 2009
Newcastle United FC were saved from further embarrassment last night when it was revealed all of the team notes from their Keegan-era matches were retrieved from the online backup they never knew they had. The revelation prompted Mike Ashley to take the club off the market amid rising expectations that Newcastle may return to the Premier League for another woeful season. The team notes retrieved from the online backup reveal Keegans tactics from some of the greatest matches in the clubs long and undistinguished history.
The online backup was initially thought to be a myth with club insiders saying that Keegan thought of everything, it was just that everyone else couldn’t think of everything when he left. “He was really in to all this technology, we all thought it was what those nancy southerners got up to but it seems he was right. Now we have all his notes so it’ll be like he was never gone now. Ashley is very happy” said the clubs Tea Lady …more
28th Oct 2009
That most fearsome of fish, the Great White Shark, has been well and truly put in its place by a big Killer Whale in the latest round of the Genus Cup. Team mammal scored the victory by biting almost in half a substantial Great White. The win leave Team Mammal well clear at the top with Humans winning in every round they have played so far.
A spokesfish for Force Fish said “When we saw what we were up against we put in a big hitter but in truth he got owned. I can’t see reptiles beating them either, all they need to do is put up some man to spank them.”
The Killer Whale that beat the Shark was triumphant in victory, saying “Yeah it was a good days work. I saw him there and thought ‘right, he’s a biggun. No danger I’ll just bite half his mid-section out in one go and that should see him in his place. Easy win. Tasted like a rugby players arse though.”
27th Oct 2009
Features multi-touch, exchange sync and support for various screen sizes. Nobody cares.
26th Oct 2009
Everyone in Britain is now hated by everyone else it was revealed last night. As more ‘workers’ get that right-on feeling most people are considering strike action for no reason other than to annoy everyone else, because they now hate them.
Everyone else is expected to hate them even more and it is expected to lead to those people hating everyone else ever so slightly more than everyone else hates them.
The only reasonable solution to this non-stop hate-fest, it is suggested, is a nice pint after work and a healthy dinner. Everyone would then be expected to wake up feeling a little less annoyed at everyone else leaving everyone else free to consider a period of reflection in the form of yogic exercises and/or moon worshipping.
23rd Oct 2009
Councillors across Great Britain last night demanded that more new houses should be built almost everywhere to ensure they can capitalise on bribes. Evil council officials are keen to cash in on the end of the recession and expect many brown paper bags stuffed with cash to arrive on their desk as building firms push to start a new wave of new houses.
One council official told us “These have been hard times, the builders all got laid off and didn’t have the money to pay our usual bribes so we’ve had to make do with the thousands our mug voters pay us each year. I had been hoping to have made about ten million quid by now, but this recession has seen me crawl past the seven million mark. Mind you, it’s taken 3 years to get that, a long time in this game!” …more
22nd Oct 2009
Lay-about Postal workers have insisted to management that nothing less than regular corporate events will get them back to delivering the mail. Corporate events are seen as the best way for posties to do less work while on the job and have now become a higher priority than wage rises – as long as the booze is free.
Nigel Glover, a postal worker, said “You see all these suits going round in their flash cars to yet another corporate event and you wonder why you bother delivering his junk mail for him. If you think we’ve got envy issues you’d be right. We just want our fair share of the jollies!”
Royal Mail supremo, Adam Crozier is a regular at corporate events where he is often seen sipping expensive wine whilst pretend to be interested in new machines that could potentially revolutionise the mail system. Talking exclusively to Band of Slugs he said “Look, there are only so many invites that get sent out for these events and they are a very important part of our daily routine – you can’t just send in the rank and file! …more
21st Oct 2009
NASA wheeled out their long awaited new rocket, Ares I-X, yesterday that will eventually launch men people back to the moon and onwards to Mars. The first outing of the new toy was tainted when an eagle eyed Japanese youth spotted old engines, apparently from used Honda cars.
NASA immediatly pulled the Ares I-X rocket back in to its hanger and issued all staff to remain silent on the matter. A spokesman for NASA briefly gave a statement saying “Hello. I’m not allowed to say anything. Goodbye.”
Rumours that the rocket is powered by old cars can not be confirmed however Band of Slugs resident space expert told us “Well the Ares I-X all based on Saturn V technology, so actually used Honda engines are probably better than rocket technology from the sixties. I knew NASA were relatively hard-up but this takes the biscuit!”
19th Oct 2009
Global designers group, Blue Sky Collective, have issued a prediction that in 2010 everything will basically look like an iPhone. As product design continues to lose any originality in the mobile phone sector, experts are predicting that your fridge will soon be piano black with a fridge themed app store to purchase fridge themed software such as ‘alphabet magnets 3.1′ and ‘annoying post-it from wife 1.1′.
Ford recently announced plans to make all their cars in glossy black or glossy white paint, with a brushed aluminium dashboard. The cars, very originally called ‘iFord’, will connect to Google maps and drive you to your destination and when it gets you there it will calculate how much each of your passengers owe you in fuel. As all cars will look the same Ford have annonunced key-fob ring tones – your car will sound out your chosen ring tone when you’re at the supermarket car park faced with thousands of the same car. Genius.
Glen Jackson, owner of a Nokia that looks suspiciously like an iPhone, said “Are you joking, the google maps had me walking on the English Channel yesterday. If you put that in a car we’re all dead. Whatever happend to the Sony Z5, that was a nice phone.”
14th Oct 2009
The price of horse escort services topped £1 million pounds last night as ‘Sea the Stars’, a relatively fast horse, announced prices to sleep with him will cost more than hiring Ronaldo for a while. After just nine races Sea the Stars will retire from running with a small Irish man on his back and instead go in to the Horse sex trade, where he will perform a dance and then sleep with a female horse, producing what is hoped will be more relatively quick horses.
Fagin O’Tealeaf, an Irish man, is the horses PA and insists that the market for a million pound horse escort will grow as Sea the Stars produces offspring. He said “Oi hope dat one o’ dees days that Sea da Stairs will be tee hossees what wolves are tee dags. Da hoss will be loike Jesus tee da hoss based escort market, oi tink he’ll be greet – da goirls will love him, day’ll pick up da phone and vote for him. Don’t listen tee dat Soiman fella, he doesn’t know shoite so ‘ee doesn’t.” …more
09th Oct 2009
Space-botherers NASA will today solve the international problem of coastal erosion by blowing up the Moon and preventing the worlds tidal motions. The plan has been in development for many years and this morning, with the destruction of the moon, people living along endangered coastal areas will see huge reductions in their insurance premiums.
The news has been welcomed by coastal communities across the globe with only a small number of Meteorologists, incomprehensible surfers and environmentalists expressing muted concern. …more