07th Sep 2009
English people are busy working on new sports to invent that they will be completely rubbish at following huge success in being utterly [poo] at every sport they introduced to the world. With England barely able to pull a slender victory against Slovenia in a friendly Football match and then failing to beat a seemingly defeated Australia at Cricket it remains only for England’s Rugby team to show the world how dreadful they are at their own games.
Gordon Brown, a Scottish person, has urged all English people to invent new sports and show the whole planet exactly how badly they can lose using their own rules. Ben Smith, an habitual loser from Liverpool, said “I was thinking that instead of chucking crumpled up paper in to a bin all day – having failed to be able to spell my name right at the top of the page – we could turn that into a sport. You could put the bin on the wall and then throw paper in it to score.” It was later pointed out that this sounded a lot like American sport Basketball, an activity that has promisingly yielded much failure to English players. …more
04th Sep 2009
Robbie Williams comeback has been branded ‘not as good as the resurection’ by just about everyone who noticed that Robbie is in fact coming back. News of a new single and video release made the ‘and finally’ section of Northumberlands local news program. It has been suggested that Mr. Williams would like very much to sell a few records and mirror the success of Take That, a ‘man band’ that make Williams music sound like an eggy fart from an obese and clinically ill boar.
Early critiques of the song all aggree that as comebacks go, Mohammed Ali has a better chance of regaining a World Championship Belt in heavyweight boxing. “That Jesus fella, now he can throw a comeback! A real stageman he was” said Pierre Dunstable, a critic. “So everyone thought he was dead, and then he ‘comes back to life’ and surprises everyone. His sales must have went through the roof! Robbie should have let on he was really ill or something, people love that. Worked for that Minogue lass didn’t it.” …more
03rd Sep 2009
Vince Cable proudly displayed his new Hair Transplant this morning as word spread of his disappointment at not being invited to Sky News televised Leaders Debate. Cable, constantly swanning about like he owns the place, has been well received by voters for his common-sense stance on many issues but is often seen with a ‘kick me’ post-it note on his back when leaving parliament. It is believed the hair transplant is part of an overall bid to be better looking than Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg.
Vince Cable said “I’ve worked my knackers off trying to please literally everyone but when it comes to a ‘leaders debate Sky only wants to talk about that Nick Clegg bloke. What’s he going to do? Chat up the females on the front row, that’s what! By the way, the NHS. I love it!’” …more
03rd Sep 2009
Israelis and Palestinians stopped killing each other for 23 minutes last night. In a rare moment of unity both sides insisted that Madonna should stop behaving like a Sugar Babe, realise she is older than most of her fans mothers and put some bloody clothes on before she catches her death.
Shocking scenes in Tel Aviv of an old woman in a leotard were beamed around the world at dinner time resulting in the largest outbreak of projectile vomiting since Britney Spears went knicker-less in Vegas. Religious leaders were outraged with Rabi’s willing to impose strict Muslim dress to prevent the superstar from ever doing this again. …more
02nd Sep 2009
The British, or is that United Kingdomers, have been urged by every religious and socially righteous group ever to stop bickering and start appreciating what each nation brings to the union. Following a raft of disagreements over small matters such as which God is God, letting prisoners off with scores of murders or the subjugation of an entire culture all four home nations have been sent away for team building.
The Welsh are said to be in favour of the exercise and are prepared to write off the annexation of their nation in order to get along with the horrid English who in turn have said they are prepared to acknowledge the existence of their neighbours as a separate cultural identity instead of looking upon them as another county.
Scotland are less inclined to be in the same room as the English unless money and further transfers of power are forthcoming. The English are unprepared to hand anymore over to the Scots citing figures which suggest Scotland’s flamboyance could bankrupt Essex, the primary investor in Scotland’s GDP.
Northern Ireland asked if their was any drinks on for later and insisted they handle afternoon tea and biscuits. All nations agreed to this knowing that their Irish cousins were professional Tea and Biscuit providers.
England said “Do we have to sit in a room with those skirted gentleman and those rugby players. The short people handing out tea are palatable, but Taffy and McTavish are sooooo aggressive, what’s their problem?”
Scotland replied “Och owie ya wee jobbies, ah’ll kin kull yeass bahstars.”
02nd Sep 2009
Scotland made a swift return to form yesterday and once again blamed England for everything that has ever gone wrong including the Megrahi scandal, arguably the worst decision this century. After documents were released that said British Prime Minister, an utterly Scottish person, did not want the UK’s worst murderer to die in jail Scotland’s first minister, Alex ‘Och I hate the English’ Salmond, insisted that the Scottish parliaments choice was justified and if it was at all wrong then critics should look no further than Westminster. Yes that Westminster, which is actually full to bursting with Scottish people.
Alex Salmond said “Nay point lookin’ this way pal, I’ll knock yer heed aff if you so much as look at me the wrong way. Och anyway, it was all the fault oo’ those bastart English reet …more