18th Sep 2009
Famous impressionist Bobby Davro has eaten Jeremy Clarkson, it has been claimed by the police.
The incident took place after Clarkson made offensive remarks to a group of hippy women dressed as suffragettes, who had dumped horse manure on Clarkson’s driveway. One of these women turned out to be Bobby Davro, who was enraged by Clarkson’s alleged outburst, allegedly – and ate him.
The investigating detective commented: “For a small man he seems to have eaten Mr Clarkson with relative ease. He appears to have dislocated his jaw in order to fit Clarkson’s larger-than-usual head in. Officers arrived at the scene too late to save the BBC TV presenter who was found completely digested in the suspect’s stomach. Only an Aston Martin car key was recovered.”
While the media has been suggesting that Davro was part of the feminist hippy group because he liked wearing early 20th century dresses, others have stated that Davro was in love with the hairiest protester (Bubsey) – and when Clarkson let loose on her, Davro simply snapped.
Some circles have proffered the idea that Davro had joined the dark underbelly of Hippy Suffrogette-Inspired Protesters after appearing in the BBC’s popular soap opera ‘EastEnders’. Friend’s of the ex-comedian say he went into a spiralling depression whilst filming the show. He then met Bubsey, who at the time was protesting outside the EastEnders set about Ian Beale’s excessively capitalistic behaviour.
On hearing the news, Clarkson’s close relatives said they “weren’t too fussed” about the incident, although they hoped the police would hand over the Aston Martin keys as soon as their investigations were complete.
17th Sep 2009
The United States of America has it put its missile defence system on the shelf, a Czech Minister For Shelves divulged last night. A group of American officials picked the missile defence system up and carried it into special shelf building, where they put it on one of the empty shelves.
Rumours that the missile defence system would be shelved have been abound in recent weeks, with reports that a special team of Shelving Diplomats had flown to the Czech Republic last week.
This morning President Obama held a press conference, where he commented: “we have decided to shelve the missile defence system because CIA reports suggest that the Iranian’s missile launching capability is not as advanced as first thought. Our agents have discovered that the missile sites are made of cardboard and egg boxes, with the missiles themselves being constructed of paper-maché and wire.”
Sources in the White House have suggested that while Iran still poses a serious threat, it is perhaps only to the chain-smoking Iranian soldiers who guard the cardboard missile systems, as they pose a minor fire hazard.
Political commentators have said the United State’s missile defence system will probably stay on the shelf until it can be safely disposed of.
One high profile Republican commented “If Obama keeps shelving things then the shelf building will get full up and we might have another, much bigger one built – which would be fine because sometimes things need to get shelved, as happened in this case. It’s good to shelve things because if you want it later on you can just take it off the shelf again, and nuke the [poo] out of Iran or whatever.”
16th Sep 2009
The internationally forgotten children’s TV character Noddy has been spotted in a Used BMW, it was not confirmed last night.
Virtually all the news agencies in the UK and Europe picked the story up and immediately dropped it again. The report, which only BandOfSlugs has chosen to bring you, states that the car Noddy was in was coloured red with yellow doors.
“I think he must have bought the yellow doors offov scrap metal merchant – looks like he’s trying to harp back to the old days, Beamer style,” commented Victor Vilnius Chyckseski from Newport, Wales.
It has been suggested by some that Noddy has been driving round in the yellow-red toy magnet in a bid to attract big-eared elves and possibly – at a push – the odd pixie. The motor has been allegedly seen crawling the red light districts of towns like Toyland Town and Toy Village, not to mention Toy City and Toy Hamlet.
Members of the public have been asked to notify the authorities if they happen to notice a garishly coloured second hand German car driven by a little wooden man, such as the one mentioned herein.
Constable Toy of Toyland said “Clearly, Noddy has moved up from the clapped out car he had before – it looked like a toy! No, we’re a bit more concerned now, as Toyland’s Tonka police cars cannot hope to catch a kerb crawling elf in a souped-up used motor such as the one described. Do not approach this fictitious toy character under any circumstances.
15th Sep 2009
I’d like to tell you that I’m going to stop smoking. But the truth is I can’t.
Why not? Because I don’t actually smoke. That is, of course, if you don’t count having a sly fag with a pint of that most popular of real ales – Stella Artois. I find the combination of subtle Belgian hops (brewed in the UK) and fragrant Virginia tobacco (packed in Bristol) is irresistible.
They are a match made in heaven, a pairing of unparalleled beauty, a combination that is hard to better; and a first class ticket to being six foot under, up in smoke.
Still, we carry on, don’t we? Just one more, for medicinal purposes, right? It doesn’t count if it’s with Stella Artois – because Stella Artois is made of hops, which are essentially a vegetables – and they prevent anything nasty happening, right? Yeah?
The Just This Once mentality is one that is hard to shake. We know it might lead to future discomfort, future pain. But we do it anyway. Because it’s Just This Once and I want it.
I’m going to apply this excuse to bank robbing; rob a bank and then give up the nasty habit. As soon as I’ve stashed a cool million, that is (in an offshore bank account if possible).
All this stop smoking propaganda is stressful; sure to cause health problems. I can’t take it anymore. It’s all just too much -
I need a fag. JUST THIS ONCE MIND YOU.
14th Sep 2009
The famous Haggis maker McTaggart’s of Perth has been making moves to de-scotify its business, after fears have emerged of an anti-Scottish backlash by American consumers following the release of Alexander al-Megrahi. They are having to put vast unused quantities of haggis in self storage.
The news comes as some Americans have been pointing out that Alexander sounds like quite a Scottish name, and perhaps the Scottish are looking after their own. McTaggart’s has begun the process of changing its name as well as that of its major export – Haggis. Now ‘Smith’s Of Oxford’s Sheep’s Pudding’ will now be exported to the USA, where Mctaggart’s are hoping their American customers won’t notice the change.
It is thought by some economists that the extra Government revenues generated by the new oil deal with Libya (shh, no one knows, right?) will be cancelled out by the loss of export money from Haggis sales, frozen battered mars bar exports, and the real money spinning export – everyone’s favourite ambiguously-flavoured drink, IRN BRU.
And salmon sales to the USA have also dropped off to zero and are set to reduce further over the coming weeks. While all Scottish exports are suffering from the fall-out of the al-Megrahi episode, this fish has been particularly badly hit, sounding as it does suspiciously like the first minister of Scotland, Alexander Salmond. It does seem like this man (who shares the same first name with Al Megrahi, as it turns out) has made a bit of a boo boo.
Something smells a bit fishy about this entire episode, and any amount of de-Scotifying is unlikely to prevent the situation getting much worse for the Scottish economy.
11th Sep 2009
A £16 million report into the collapse of MG Rover has revealed that four drunks made £42 million by putting just £2.50 each of their own money in to failed car maker MG Rover becasue they didn’t have enough for four pints at the pub. The blame once again falls on the Governement who stubbornly refuse to stop bleeding everyone dry with a 730% tax on beer.
The report, the one that cost £16 million quid, is only loosly critical of the ‘Phoenix Four’ who bought the struggling car company. “The idea to buy MG Rover came about because the four didn’t have enough money to buy a round” the report said “If the price of beer was £2.50 a pint instead of a wage-caning £3 then this whole tragedy could have been avoided.”
John Towers, one of the lucky winners, said “We was in the pub and we only had a tenner between us. We told the barman we had ten quid and could we have four pints please and he was like nah mate piss off, so we did but on the way to the bookie we were offered Rover for a tenner. I never though they meant the whole bloody company, but it was a better bet than Aston Villa away to Blackburn at the time.” …more
10th Sep 2009
New laws being introduced today will give authorities the power to shoot, in the head, anyone using the word ‘Academia’ in any context other than to take the piss out of someone who has said the word in a non-piss taking kind of way. The new rules were first conceived after many had lost their temper when talking to 30-odd year old students who insisted that “leaving Academia would be quite traumatic for me”.
High profile users of the now illegal word include Liz Bonnin, a curious mash-up of Irish, studious and annoying and Orlando Bloom who believes ‘Academia’ is a planet where he intends to live among Elvish bowmen …more
09th Sep 2009
Previously unheard of and soon to be forgotten again rapper Speech won a pointless Music award and nobody really cares. Sales of her Album, Speech Therapy, doubled to 4 and are expected to top 11 by the end the decade.
She faced tough competition from equally inconsequential acts Florence and the Machine, Led Bib and Sweet Billy Pilgrim. Kasabian, La Roux, Bat for Lashes and Glasvegas were in also in the running but didn’t stand a chance in hell because organisers, the BPI for Christs sake, are too far up their own arses to consider acts that may have sold more than 10 songs on iTunes. …more
08th Sep 2009
A new Beatles song has been found in a dusty cupboard in Liverpool prompting a huge rush of turncoat hippies and a new generation of barber-dodgers to get a listen. Band of Slugs has an exclusive on the lyrics for the new track titled ‘Buy More Beatles Tat’.
The new song urges listeners to spend more of their money making Paul McCartney even richer than he already is as well as keeping Yoko wealthy enough to pursue her principles and promptly disregard them in favour of hiring lots of people to do her bidding. …more
07th Sep 2009
The recession is being blamed for a rise in credit crunch related naming of British offspring. Popular baby names such as ‘Jack’ and ‘Louise’ have been pushed down the top 10 with new parents opting for ‘Liebfraumilch’, ‘Diamond White’ and the increasingly popular ‘Lidl’ for their child’s monikers.
Former trends, such as naming a child after the city they were conceived in or the alcoholic drink that was blamed for the lapse in contraception, have changed with woman not drinking as much Chardonnay, men being unable to afford a Mercedes and nobody spending much time in posh cities abroad. New names reflect similar principles but as the recession bites Chardonnay has become ‘Lambrini’, Mercedes has become ‘Daewoo’ and where mums and dads may have spent a dirty weekend in Brooklyn it appears that ‘Coventry’ is now the weekend-away of choice.
New Parents Hollywood and Bugatti Smith from Hull said “We was buttered on Mad Dog while away in Runcorn, we called are little baby ‘Scratchings’ after the meal we had in the pub. ‘Scratchings’, it sounds quite Bavarian don’t you think?”
Kevin Farnsworth, who compiled the new list, said “It’s all very cyclical and often follows patterns of economic affluence, or otherwise these days. I’m sure that in a couple of years we’ll start congratulating people on the birth of a ‘Tesco’ until we’re all loaded again and Tesco will have a little sister called ‘Waitrose’. My money is on ‘Rightmove’ being the top name next year!”