30th Sep 2009
Sarah Brown found herself in deep water with Britains legions of militant feminists yesterday after calling her husband of nine years her ‘hero’. According to Miss Mary March, the leader of the English arm of Nulliparous Order of Britain or NOB, Mrs. Brown’s comments were “submissive, cowardly and pro-bastard-men”.
She continued “Who the bloody hell does she think she is? Wimmin have struggled against the tyranny of bastard men since the dawn of time and there she is doing us no favours by insisting she both loves and respects her husband?! I can hardly contain my rage. …more
29th Sep 2009
Peter ‘Mephistopheles’ Mandelson abandoned restraint last night and delivered the gayest performance of all time yesterday at the Labour party conference in Brighton. Colleagues insisted that the plan all along was to get up the nose of the Catholics – a strange, money obsessed religion that centres its entire belief system around hating homosexuals and following the exploits of Celtic FC.
Mephistopheles, the worlds most evil gay man, ramped up the camp with a series of limp wristed gesturing, eye rolling and arse-wiggling mincing to the delight of the right-on crowd of former miners, disgruntled human rights lawyers and reformed protesters. One child-hating, left leaning teacher described the speech as “the most camp of camp performances I’ve ever seen” and said “that should really get up the [backside] of that Ratzinger, it’s not like Catholics aren’t ripe for a ribbing, is it!? He may as well have come on stage in a big pink JCB while wearing crotchless German issue Army trousers and throwing Carnations at the front row through a big telly tubby shaped hula hoop – it was that gay!” …more
28th Sep 2009
Having stopped every single drug smuggler in the world it is now being asked ‘Why is there still Cocaine on the streets?’ The Royal Navy’s latest acquisition of £240 million of Cocaine is said to be its largest single haul and is expected to supply London for an estimated 3 hours on Friday night.
Concerned Britons were in uproar last night as it emerged the Royal Navy were selling it on to young London bankers, lawyers and estate agents to pay for new boats and submarines. Kelly Rogers, a 35 year old virgin, yelled “WTF?!? Aren’t they supposed to be getting rid of this stuff, as it is they’re making a bad situation even worse – I’m shocked and blame this entirely on Ed Balls for no other reason than I simply don’t like his face!”
Captain Cortez, of HMS Charlie, said “Argh me hearty! We be getting these drugs to the bankers to blow their bonuses on as soon as the Government can count the cash to spend on Beer, Porn and Mars Bars.” …more
25th Sep 2009
Watercoolers are spying on the nations office workers listening for sensitive information to bribe you with it has been discovered. Scientists at the Wansdale Academy for Noetic Knowledge found that watercoolers were listening in on conversations and promptly emailing victims with demands to add a dash of Vodka to the supply.
Vicky Smithins, a particularly thirsty office worker, said “I got this email that said ‘I heard about you in the stationary room with bloke from Accounts – I know a Watercooler in his wife’s office! Put some Vodka in my supply or else!” Mrs Smithins duly complied and has since been fired for getting her former colleagues tiddly during working hours.
The scientists say that the Watercoolers should be burnt, and then burnt again to ensure their destruction – although it the boffin hastened to add that it might be better to empty the bottle first.
25th Sep 2009
Leonard Cohen was pelted with rocks and told in no uncertain terms to piss off in Israel last night after the crowd seemed shocked that Alexandra Burke, last years X Factor winner, had appeared to turn white, old and male.
The crowd were expecting Alexandra, an icon among Israelites and such is the feeling towards her that many have petitioned the Government there to replace the national anthem with ‘Hallelujah’, a song that was written entirely by Ms. Burke in 7 minutes on a tube train going from East Putney to Bayswater. …more
24th Sep 2009
Hunters everywhere are preparing for the opening of the westernised nations season, giving them a green light to shoot dead any mature western nation they happen to see roaming the meadows.
Top hunters, including President Ahmadinejad and Colonel Gaddafi, have cleaned their substantial rifles and packed enough ammunition to make the UN conference in New York a complete blood bath, with Pride and Dignity expected to be among the first species to be shot in to oblivion.
Gaddafi, a recent world champion Westernised Nations hunter, said “They’re really very easy to shoot. They just walk right in to the path of my gun and BLAM! I swear it’s the funniest thing ever, if I miss they just stop and wait for me to reload and BANG I’m off again.” …more
23rd Sep 2009
Far from being the dour Scots man he has been marketed as it seems Gordon Brown is a coward of French proportions. Last night word spread of Monsieur Browns willingness to take Britain’s best defence and strongest deterrent and bin it. France are expected to become the new Britain while Britons get used to being dull, cowardly and pusillanimous – but never arrogant. …more
23rd Sep 2009
A factory that produced the horrendous amounts of additives in Fosters ‘beer’ leaked yesterday leaving Sydney looking like a scene from Total Recall. Fosters ‘Beer’, notorious worldwide for tasting like the toilet water from a German Sausage Festival urinal, includes vast quantities of the red poison in its ‘beer’ to numb the pain of drinking it. The factory blamed a leak in one of its huge additive vats, spewing a red dust cloud all over Sydney.
A spokesman for Fosters said “I think we all agree our ‘beer’ needs this filth in it to make it remotely palatable. Without it, tests have shown it would be like drinking sea water from the coast of Iraq – and believe me, it’s not just oil in there!” Environmentalists are concerned that Fosters may eventually kill the planet with there diabolical flavourings. A hippie referred to Fosters ‘brewery’ as “a factory of death, producing the very chemicals that will not only destroy our planet but will eventually turn Mars red too!” …more
22nd Sep 2009
British men were last night bracing themselves for another week of head-buggery as they try to figure out whether the wife can watch Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor at the weekend. The dilemma emerged only when Strictly Come Dancing appointed top totty Alesha Dixon to the judges panel, rivalling Cheryl Cole on ITV’s X Factor. Confused British males have been congregating around pub table in discussions about which woman is their preferered fantasy TV judge – and there doesn’t appear to be a clear winner.
The two women are expected to wear increasingly attractive outfits in a bid to secure the male votes which will allow wives to tune in, prompting fears from police officials. PC Bob McTaggart said “As these women become more and more sexy with less and less clothes I expect men to find more difficult to come to the decision, which may mean that the wife cannot put either show on the TV. A situation that gives me cause for concern.” …more
22nd Sep 2009
US Voters were in shock last night as Chancellor Obama revealed he was a Black man before the election. Many had thought he simply turned black after visiting a tanning salon whilst on his pilgrimage to Jesusland in Jordan. Speaking on David Lettermans show the Chancellor told a record audience he “was Black before the election” prompting many to question where he got his nice tan and fueling rumours he never actually went to Jesusland.
Obamas trip to Jesusland was largely reported a success with many outlets reporting that the ‘Are You the Second Coming Machine’ flashed green for yes after Obama had inserted his quarter. A sure sign that Obama is the new Christ. Whilst there Obama frequented the ‘Holy Tan, Batman’ tanning salon where he then turned ‘black’ after over doing it on the sabbath. …more