28th Aug 2009
German Sweet Company Haribo have taken the lead in Porn marketing with exciting new imagery of various fruits going at it like Dutch perverts. The move to use porn on wrappers to entice children and parents alike to purchase their suger enriched candy products came after researchers found that Japanese filth merchants were increasingly using fruit flavoured sweets to get their sexual kicks.
A spokesman for Haribo said ‘Ze fruity fruits are certainly very fruity now mit der kinky sex games that ve hast pictured on ze sweety wrappers, ja. Ve are very proud zat out artists have found this zeitgeist of sweety pornography and ve have duely included it on to our sweety wrappers. You see zis is a gut thing, ja? Kinder und parents love it so, ze happy vorld of haribo!” …more
27th Aug 2009
Kerry Katona beat seven shades of shite out of her accountant yesterday after he purchased the wrong kind of ‘coke’ for her. On returning from the shop down the road with a can of regular Coca-Cola Katona was alleged to have screamed like a banshee and rained blows upon the Accountant. The accountant suffered cuts, bruises and will now have to deal with a lifetime of ridicule for being beaten up by a girl.
A source close to the Katona family said “Kerry loves her coke so she does, she’s all over it, can’t get enough. She used to hide her habit from the family but now she’s quite open about it. Why not? Oh, she’s very liberalistic is our Kezza”. When pressed on how much coke Katona is consuming the source told us “Loads. She normally buys it wholesale.” …more
26th Aug 2009
West Ham and Millwall fans last night forgot about their football rivalry and decided instead to wave their handbags at each other in a French manner. The action was welcomed by the Football Association who are keen to continentalise English football and make it as dreary and pointless as the French and German leagues.
Fans forgot all about the Carling Cup match between their teams and came to the match with their best handbags in a bid to out-handbag their rivals. West Ham Handbag fancier Steven Smith said “Awight! Yeah mate, it was all like never mind the soddin’ football, lets get out our biggest, most celebrity-esque handbags and really show those Millwall boys who’s got the best snakeskin over-the-shoulder. Actually, there were some really special bags out there today, it’s all the rage in France you know.” …more
25th Aug 2009
Peter Mandelson has been confirmed as the Devil this week after a series of highly dubious meetings while on Holiday in Corfu. Satan, 55 from south London, met with Colonel Gadafis son to discuss the successful ‘Oil for Mass Murdering Terrorists’ program and Dreamworks co-founder, David Geffen, to hammer out a deal to criminalise the majority of Britons for alleged file sharing and claim some healthy back-handers for himself in the process.
Mandelson, real name Mephistopheles, is now firmly dedicated to rolling out his ‘Only The Guilty Go Online’ plan to parliament. The Prince of Darkness, who recently deposed Hitler as worst person ever, is said to be very pleased with his share of the revenues made on Libyan oil and can’t wait to see his first cheques from the major movie houses after these laws are in place that will prevent the UK from reading this news story, or watching gentlemens entertainment when the wife has gone to bed. …more
24th Aug 2009
After a crime spree that began with the rise in popularity of the CCTV camera, Groucho Marx has now become Britain’s most wanted criminal with at least 33,000 crimes in London alone. Video of Marx performing a multitude of crimes is abundant at almost all retail stores around the country and leading Retail groups are calling for Marx to be captured at all costs. It is estimated that the former comedy legend costs the UK economy £1.4 billion per year. …more
21st Aug 2009
If I had a driving license I imagine when traveling I would probably make use of Car Hire. The car I would rent would probably be one of those nice looking Honda Civics. In Black. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to drive so the whole thing is nonsense jibber jabber. Or is it?
Turns out the person renting the car is the only one required to have a driving license and after you have left the car park it’s a free-for-all in the drivers seat. Guess I’ll be driving then? Well actually, no I won’t. Law breaking isn’t really my cup of tea and the potential danger to the public outweighs the internationally uniform level of rubbish you can expect from public transport services.
So what, if any, is the moral here? Public transport is bad, but jail is bad-ass! So, does anyone know of any good and cheap Driving Instructors?
21st Aug 2009
Previously it has always been thought that the Scots exist only to dislike the English despite being almost completely dependent upon English tax revenues to subsidise their own economy. Now it seems they have turned on the US with the release of a nasty man who had been involved in the killing of a lot of people by blowing up an Aeroplane over Lockerbie. Killing 270 people, 189 of whom were American. …more
20th Aug 2009
Labour were uniformly patting themselves on the back last night after another successful hoodwinking involving education standards and the rising number of utterly useless children being ejected from their extended kinder gartens, otherwise known as ‘colleges’. As losing is not allowed under strict labour guidelines, all children are ritually handed out an ‘A Star’ and told to go to university where they can finally begin a process of preparing them for the real world. …more
19th Aug 2009
A global shortage of iPhones is being blamed on Afghan demand after reports the high tech gadgets are effective as incendiary devices. Afghan farmers are in a race against the holiday season to provide the west with sufficient quantities of heroin in a bid to acquire enough money to fund the friendly Taliban with enough iPhones to wipe out a small city. Once in Taliban hands the destructive mobile phones are being dished out to allied troops who appear to be happy to receive them. …more
18th Aug 2009
Football thespians around the country took to the streets this morning to round up nancy Rugby Actors and give them a good drubbing following Tom Williams’ terrible acting in Harlequins Heineken Cup quarter final against Leinster.
Wearing a tutu, short shorts and high heels Williams used a comedy blood capsule purchased from a Roger Tuckers, 8 from Sunderland’s St. Lawrence Primary School, to get himself taken off the field so a different big girls blouse could then run on to hold the genitals of another man. …more