31st Jul 2009
It apparently costs 320,000 pounds to run Swindon’s 5 speed cameras, so the authority have decided to divert the funds into other road safety measures that will aim to reduce the casualty rate on the Swindon roads.
But are they really going to invest that money in road safety? Or is that cash simply going to help fill the huge funding gap that the Swindon local authority is dealing with? Rather than a more prudent use of cash, it may well simply be one of the many cuts that we can expect in both local and government spending over the coming months and years.
30th Jul 2009
Sources from inside Nutwood Common have said that a major disturbance has taken place involving violent attacks on the home of Podgy Pig and his family. It is thought that fears over swine flu triggered the incidents. The attacks have not been verified due to the highly fictitious nature of Nutwood and the ridiculous talking animals that live in it.
Bill Badger (who is a badger) commented “Yeah, we like totally went round to Podgy’s home and panned his f****** windows in man – we almost got his door bashed in but that f***** PC Growler [who is a dog] turned up”. Bill Badger said he was in serious trouble because he had broken his ASBO in the process of vandalising Podgy’s home.
Bill also said “I can’t believe I got f****** collared again, and that p**** Rupert ran off with Ferdy and Freddy [who are wolves]. He was the one who started throwing f****** bricks anyway.”
PC Growler said the Podgy family had been on the receiving end of increasingly hostile behaviour. It allegedly began by Doctor Lion [who is a lion] refusing Podgy’s family entry to his surgery, for fear of spreading swine flu to the other animals of Nutwood Common.
In a statement Doctor Lion said “I’m not having those filthy swine b****** in my surgery, they can f*** off as far as I’m concerned. I haven’t got enough Tamiflu here as it is and they just waltz in and risk everyone’s health. The fat b******.”
When interviewed by reporters outside his damaged home, Podgy Pig said: “Me and my family have been totally victimised. They’re behaving like a bunch of f****** animals.”
PC Growler is asking the public for further information regarding the incident, but so far no one has stepped forward.
28th Jul 2009
Well, you’ve licked every hand rail on every bus. You’ve breathed in the contents of your hoover bag. You’ve hung around your local surgery – and you’ve even taken a trip up to casualty – before being removed by security.
And that’s right, you still haven’t contracted SWINE FLU.
You were looking forward to a few days off, and you could have discussed your symptoms on Facebook while you lay in bed, vomiting, right?
So look, just accept it and focus your attention on something equally pointless: James May’s new Lego house. Yes, the hairy car lune is heading down to Surrey this weekend to build a house out of small plastic bricks. Some people don’t have actual flushing toilets in this world – but it’s OK, because Mr. May is going to build a house out of Lego bricks.
Worried that the 3 million bricks he has won’t be enough? Fear not brother, you can donate as many bricks as you like to this worthy cause. People have already dug out thousands of filthy old bricks. You can even go and help him build it.
Who knows, maybe there’ll be some swine flu bacteria (or whatever its called) on those putrid old bricks!
27th Jul 2009
A shocking new report has concluded that most of us will die in the future. The study, which has taken over 5 years to report its findings, suggests that over 90 percent of people will die at some point in their lives.
The independent report was conducted by the Learning Institute For the End (L.I.F.E.). A spokesman for the institute said “The findings are really interesting. As part of the research we did a survey among 10,000 randomly chosen people. 84 percent thought they Would Probably Die At Some Point, while 10 percent thought they Would Live For Eternity. 6 percent ticked the Don’t Care box on the questionnaire.”
The report has been rubbished by the Department for Eternal And Triumphant Health (D.E.A.T.H). A spokeswoman for D.E.A.T.H. said the idea that we would all die was unacceptable. “What about my mortgage, that’s taken me ages to pay off, and what, those ***** say we’re just going to die?”
Since the findings were released, a white paper has been drawn up recommending that Death be abolished or at least reduced to a more manageable level. Councils suggested that council tax may have to be increased if everyone keeps on dying.
Philip Ackroyd, an office worker from Durham had grave concerns about the findings “It sounds like the government just trying s*** us up again – if I saw any of those ***** from L.I.F.E., I’d beat them to within an inch of their lives. We’re all going to die? I mean honestly, some people…”
24th Jul 2009
Surely just being British can’t help your search engine optimisation?
If you look at the current emerging markets – primarily China and India – they have a lot of advantages; namely low cost labour. But what they don’t have, is a good command of the most important language in the world of business. This isn’t a slight on the good name of Indian or Chinese education – but the truth is it takes years and years to fully understand the ins and outs of any language. This is particularly true of English, which is constantly expanding.
Telecoms and banking giants outsource their telephone-based servcies to Asia, and in order that the call handlers have a good grasp of the kind of colloquial English they are likely to encounter from Brits and Americans, they put their workers in front of various English language soap operas. But the truth is that these operations have had limited success – with many UK corporations eventually deciding to use UK-based call centres as a marketing tool (think NatWest).
The advantages of knowing a language inside out are even more pronounced when it comes to SEO. You have a few seconds to convince someone to hang around on a website; if this home page reads like it has been copywritten by someone who doesn’t have English as their first language, it’s going to turn potential customers off straight away. Equally, understanding how UK English or US English is used by people is essential in being able to making a website respond effectively to these searches.
People who optimise websites with a full grasp of the English language have a distinct advantage. And Brits have a direct line to the biggest web-based market in the world – the USA. No wonder some of the most successful SEO companies in the world are based in the UK.
23rd Jul 2009
With the wolves of recession loitering around most of our front doors, it’s perhaps time to consider getting an allotment. What? Yes, an allotment is a great idea because you can grow your own vegetables.
A simple idea, but one that could save you several pounds over a decade or so. But as well as the clear pecuniary advantage, you’ll also have the pleasure of coming home from a hard day digging at the allotment, and be able to casually toss a bunch earth-clad carrots on the kitchen table. There is surely no greater buzz than the knowledge that you’ve drawn life-giving produce from the ground.
Of course, the Rolls Royce of allotments would also contain a shed. In this shed you could easily contravene local bye laws by producing your own alcohol. Why not try making it from carrots? For some of us, the shedded allotment might provide a valuable escape from domestic strains, where troubles can be shared with fellow vegetable growers over a lovely mug of 60 percent proof carrot vodka.
Allotments are controlled by local councils, and are often in short supply. Just check your local council website, where further information can be unearthed. Tell them you’ll be growing potatoes, onions, runner beans – just don’t mention the carrot vodka.
22nd Jul 2009
At first it just seems like filler TV. But after watching last night’s Wainwright’s Walks: Coast to Coast, I soon realised this was another little corner of Britain I’ve never been to. I have to admit there was some pretty impressive countryside on this, the first leg of Julia Bradbury’s ramble from the Cumbrian west coast to Yorkshire and the east coast.
The show is based on the late Alfred Wainwright’s pictorial walking guides, and aims to cover his 190 mile walk across England from the Irish Sea to the North Sea.
The cynic might say that clearly, this is cheap TV. All they needed to do was get a helicopter and film the whole route, so they could intersperse the footage with Julia chatting away with jolly slate miners (see last night’s episode) and the like. On top of this they obviously just had one camera man, who was too lazy to run very far ahead of Miss Bradbury, judging by the close proximity of the shots. They should have hired a more athletic cameraman who could sprint up these delightful mountains, readying himself for Julia to swan past.
Despite these recession-friendly television production values, the show kept me gripped. They’ve tried to add a little sex appeal with Bradbury, but their success depends on your own taste in ramblers. Arguably the most attractive curves in the show are those of Ennerdale and the Lake District.
With the Euro costing us Brits so much, Alfred Wainwright’s rambles might provide us with just the excuse we need to explore our own back yard for a change.
21st Jul 2009
A friend recently accused me of looking round the choosing the first thing I clapped eyes on to do a blog post about. In order to refute this allegation, this post is about raindrops. OK, it was a bit drizzly this morning.
But in reality, a French university (Aix-Marseille) have been investigating the raindrop in all it’s thrilling complexity. You can’t accuse the French of scraping the barrel when it comes to research. Apparently, raindrops kind of balloon out whilst falling and then disintegrate into tiny drops. This news is likely to change the course of all raindrop research, probably forever.
It seems a shame that the only country that’s actually famous for rain (that’s us) hasn’t managed to pioneer this research first. The French probably just did it to annoy us. But I have to hand it them, they’ve produced some pretty fabulous footage of raindrops falling.
Not only have our friends across the channel started creating black holes underground (with their particle accellerator thing), but they’ve also uncovered the final mysteries of the raindrop.
Is nothing sacred?
20th Jul 2009
There’s only so many times you can joke “I’ll just put your number in my iphone 3,” when you actually own a phone that looks like it was designed in 1988. 
The pressure is on though. It isn’t funny to own a phone that says you have 1 voicemail, when in reality you have 23. A blue back light doesn’t impress anyone. Having a crap phone just causes social problems. It malfunctions so much that you can’t organise any social occasions anyway.
When that moment of clarity hits the Crap Phone Owner, they might realise how much promiscuous sex has been lost over the years. How many prospective lays have been about to ‘hand the deeds over’, when they clap eyes on your Motorola M2497 (which offers cutting edge SMS technology)? The lust suddenly evaporates from their eyes. Disgusted about their near miss with the technologically disadvantaged, they turn tail and run. The jilted Crap Phone Owner looks down dejectedly at their telecommunications monstrosity, which ominously reads “no new messages”, filthy blue light illuminating the CPO’s face.
How many job interviews have been within reach, when your mum rings at the vital moment, and you have to bring out your archaic back lit horror?
Don’t call us – we’ll call you.
If your phone works.
The message here is simple. Your phone is as important as a shiny pair of shoes or a push-up bra when it comes impressing people.
Choose Life. Choose a decent phone.
17th Jul 2009
This particular author owns an Xbox. And not the good 360 degree kind either – a big, heavy 3 kg monster from the early naughties. Rather than 360 degrees, you might describe it more as an Xbox 45 degrees. It’s not great – or so people tell me. But if I’m perfectly honest, the thing blows me away with its ‘3D’ technology. The enemies in Half Life 2, for example, display incredible artificial intelligence – namely by ’shooting back whilst standing in clear range of my gun’.
Jokes aside, it still is a lot of fun for a piece of technology that was released in 2002 (in the UK at least). To be honest, a Luddite like myself would be blown away by the 360. One of the best games for me remains Project Gotham Racing 2, a quality piece of high octane urban car racing that cost me only £2.95.
And what about that rumble pack? It’s like those nasty gas masked Germans in Big Red One really are shooting you in the face. That Messerschmidt BF109E really did just blow your arm off. One day of course, you really will see your arm lying on the ground – such will be the virtual reality of the future. It’s only a matter of time before we all start inhabiting VR worlds where we can do all the things we can’t do in what we laughingly refer to as reality – namely shoot Nazi stormtroopers and have biblical encounters with Kate Beckinsale – in that order if possible.
Until then though, its just me and my old fashioned Xbox.