Band of Slugs

USA Shelves Missiles

The United States of America has it put its missile defence system on the shelf, a Czech Minister For Shelves divulged last night. A group of American officials picked the missile defence system up and carried it into special shelf building, where they put it on one of the empty shelves.

Rumours that the missile defence system would be shelved have been abound in recent weeks, with reports that a special team of Shelving Diplomats had flown to the Czech Republic last week.

This morning President Obama held a press conference, where he commented: “we have decided to shelve the missile defence system because CIA reports suggest that the Iranian’s missile launching capability is not as advanced as first thought. Our agents have discovered that the missile sites are made of cardboard and egg boxes, with the missiles themselves being constructed of paper-maché and wire.”

Sources in the White House have suggested that while Iran still poses a serious threat, it is perhaps only to the chain-smoking Iranian soldiers who guard the cardboard missile systems, as they pose a minor fire hazard.

Political commentators have said the United State’s missile defence system will probably stay on the shelf until it can be safely disposed of.

One high profile Republican commented “If Obama keeps shelving things then the shelf building will get full up and we might have another, much bigger one built – which would be fine because sometimes things need to get shelved, as happened in this case. It’s good to shelve things because if you want it later on you can just take it off the shelf again, and nuke the [poo] out of Iran or whatever.”

Noddy Seen Driving Used BMW

The internationally forgotten children’s TV character Noddy has been spotted in a Used BMW, it was not confirmed last night.

Virtually all the news agencies in the UK and Europe picked the story up and immediately dropped it again. The report, which only BandOfSlugs has chosen to bring you, states that the car Noddy was in was coloured red with yellow doors.

“I think he must have bought the yellow doors offov scrap metal merchant – looks like he’s trying to harp back to the old days, Beamer style,” commented Victor Vilnius Chyckseski from Newport, Wales.

It has been suggested by some that Noddy has been driving round in the yellow-red toy magnet in a bid to attract big-eared elves and possibly – at a push – the odd pixie. The motor has been allegedly seen crawling the red light districts of towns like Toyland Town and Toy Village, not to mention Toy City and Toy Hamlet.

Members of the public have been asked to notify the authorities if they happen to notice a garishly coloured second hand German car driven by a little wooden man, such as the one mentioned herein.

Constable Toy of Toyland said “Clearly, Noddy has moved up from the clapped out car he had before – it looked like a toy! No, we’re a bit more concerned now, as Toyland’s Tonka police cars cannot hope to catch a kerb crawling elf in a souped-up used motor such as the one described. Do not approach this fictitious toy character under any circumstances.

Why Charity Shops Are Brilliant

Ok go! Well, I think charity shops are the bee’s norks because they sell a whole range of fascinating nonsense – with a level of service you’d expect from the Ritz. The old ladies that staff these smelly-old-dress emporiums are constantly on the lookout for someone to assist; resulting in the best place to get hold of a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle with a statutory 25 percent reduction in pieces.

Where else can you wander into a shop and ask for a tie, where a little antiquated madam slowly mounts 3 flights of stairs, rummages round a bit the loft, then returns, very slowly, with half a tonne of the most flee bitten ties ever to have dodged the bin collection – no I haven’t finished this sentence yet – and where she watches you sort through each tie for a good 20 minutes, only to make an earth-shattering 45p for her efforts once you’ve decided on the hilarious Snoopy tie?

Not only this, but the low-key, musty atmosphere of the charity shop means that the people who visit them feel right at home, and will strike up conversations immediately about anything. It’s basically a place where old people come to chat to each other whilst eyeing up the latest in 1987 knitwear.

And it’s not the corporate ones I like either – it’s the ones with the odd little names that have a grand total of ONE BRANCH. I’m thinking the Exeter Rabbit Rescue Association, or The Dunstable Senile Society. In these you HAVE NO IDEA what’s going to happen when you walk through their front door.

As more and more of our pubs shut each day, more and more charity shops spring up to replace them. The charity shop is clearly the new public house – fast becoming the mainstay of British society. In a country where everything is put into little boxes and given a label, it is refreshing to saunter into these chaotic jumbles of books and clothes – invariably staffed by Miss Somerset 1956 – and find a 2nd edition copy of the Thames Tidal Barrier 1974-82 for only 10p. Where else can you do this?

Electric Ant Arsonists Set Fire To Wales

It has emerged that a colony of fire ants have set fire to Wales, burning it to the ground. The previously undiscovered species of ant are attracted to electric currents in houses, and it is thought they simultaneously started fires in council houses in Swansea, Newport and Bangor.

Looking across the border from Ross On Wye, Charlie Stanbridge said “It looks like the ants set fire to the houses which in turn set fire to the vast coal reserves underground. The whole country just went up like a tinderbox.”

It is not clear whether the ants started it accidentally or if it was sparked by some deep seated racial issue. However, a respected ant expert commented “They clearly planned it, they all knew what they were doing, and they were probably trained by that Ayatollah Khoimeni or something.”

The ants are thought to be attracted to electric currents to an even greater degree than they are to food or water. Wales has an abundant supply of Honeydew aphids, the eating of which is the ants’ preferred activity, when they’re not torching Welsh housing estates.

Responding to the news Boris Johnson said “I’ve never been to Africa, but I’ve heard it’s really nice this time of year.”

After one of his assistants whispered something in his ear, he went on “I find it totally unacceptable that aunts have set fire to large sea mammals in this way, it’s a disgrace.”

Over in England an emergency investigation team has been set up in a PortaKabin round the back of Hereford Police HQ. The squad is expected to begin the investigation on Monday morning, because the fire started on Friday night and it was the weekend, like.

Owain Jones, the last Welsh person on the planet, said “Luckily I was over the border in Bristol on the lookout for unattended motor cars containing high specification stereos, when I saw it go up in flames. I was really shocked when I heard Bangor had gone up too – I didn’t think it had electricity put in yet.”

Podgy Pig’s family Driven Out of Nutwood By Angry Mob

Sources from inside Nutwood Common have said that a major disturbance has taken place involving violent attacks on the home of Podgy Pig and his family. It is thought that fears over swine flu triggered the incidents. The attacks have not been verified due to the highly fictitious nature of Nutwood and the ridiculous talking animals that live in it.

Bill Badger (who is a badger) commented “Yeah, we like totally went round to Podgy’s home and panned his f****** windows in man – we almost got his door bashed in but that f***** PC Growler [who is a dog] turned up”. Bill Badger said he was in serious trouble because he had broken his ASBO in the process of vandalising Podgy’s home.

Bill also said “I can’t believe I got f****** collared again, and that p**** Rupert ran off with Ferdy and Freddy [who are wolves]. He was the one who started throwing f****** bricks anyway.”

PC Growler said the Podgy family had been on the receiving end of increasingly hostile behaviour. It allegedly began by Doctor Lion [who is a lion] refusing Podgy’s family entry to his surgery, for fear of spreading swine flu to the other animals of Nutwood Common.

In a statement Doctor Lion said “I’m not having those filthy swine b****** in my surgery, they can f*** off as far as I’m concerned. I haven’t got enough Tamiflu here as it is and they just waltz in and risk everyone’s health. The fat b******.”

When interviewed by reporters outside his damaged home, Podgy Pig said: “Me and my family have been totally victimised. They’re behaving like a bunch of f****** animals.”

PC Growler is asking the public for further information regarding the incident, but so far no one has stepped forward.

Can’t Think of Anything To Do With Your Spare Time? Make a Lego House!

Well, you’ve licked every hand rail on every bus. You’ve breathed in the contents of your hoover bag. You’ve hung around your local surgery – and you’ve even taken a trip up to casualty – before being removed by security.

And that’s right, you still haven’t contracted SWINE FLU.

You were looking forward to a few days off, and you could have discussed your symptoms on Facebook while you lay in bed, vomiting, right?

So look, just accept it and focus your attention on something equally pointless: James May’s new Lego house. Yes, the hairy car lune is heading down to Surrey this weekend to build a house out of small plastic bricks. Some people don’t have actual flushing toilets in this world – but it’s OK, because Mr. May is going to build a house out of Lego bricks.

Worried that the 3 million bricks he has won’t be enough? Fear not brother, you can donate as many bricks as you like to this worthy cause. People have already dug out thousands of filthy old bricks. You can even go and help him build it.

Who knows, maybe there’ll be some swine flu bacteria (or whatever its called) on those putrid old bricks!

Alfred Wainwright And His Crazy Walks

At first it just seems like filler TV. But after watching last night’s Wainwright’s Walks: Coast to Coast, I soon realised this was another little corner of Britain I’ve never been to. I have to admit there was some pretty impressive countryside on this, the first leg of Julia Bradbury’s ramble from the Cumbrian west coast to Yorkshire and the east coast.

The show is based on the late Alfred Wainwright’s pictorial walking guides, and aims to cover his 190 mile walk across England from the Irish Sea to the North Sea.

The cynic might say that clearly, this is cheap TV. All they needed to do was get a helicopter and film the whole route, so they could intersperse the footage with Julia chatting away with jolly slate miners (see last night’s episode) and the like. On top of this they obviously just had one camera man, who was too lazy to run very far ahead of Miss Bradbury, judging by the close proximity of the shots. They should have hired a more athletic cameraman who could sprint up these delightful mountains, readying himself for Julia to swan past.

Despite these recession-friendly television production values, the show kept me gripped. They’ve tried to add a little sex appeal with Bradbury, but their success depends on your own taste in ramblers. Arguably the most attractive curves in the show are those of Ennerdale and the Lake District.

With the Euro costing us Brits so much, Alfred Wainwright’s rambles might provide us with just the excuse we need to explore our own back yard for a change.

The Doctor will see you now…

You’ve read this far, so you’ve probably gained 5 minutes of extra life (assuming you haven’t been smoking at your desk), and so you can thank us by reading some more vitality-promoting blog posts. But contrary to this healthy theme, we’re going to bring you a wide selection of items – all with that special Band of Slugs twist.

But what’s all this got to do with Band of Slugs?

Look, we’re really trying hard to think of some tenuous connection between Band of Slugs and, well, anything really. We thought of promoting the Society for the Prevention of Slug Salting (SPSS), but we quickly realised that we’d just made that institution up a minute ago. For now then, our Band of Slugs are firmly imbedded in your rhubarb patch, and we like rhubarb.