Every single man, woman and child in the former democracy of the United Kingdom would be better off sacking the puppet-governments national health insurance off and put some hard-earned, easily stolen money in to Health Insurance form private sources. …more
That most fearsome of fish, the Great White Shark, has been well and truly put in its place by a big Killer Whale in the latest round of the Genus Cup. Team mammal scored the victory by biting almost in half a substantial Great White. The win leave Team Mammal well clear at the top with Humans winning in every round they have played so far.
A spokesfish for Force Fish said “When we saw what we were up against we put in a big hitter but in truth he got owned. I can’t see reptiles beating them either, all they need to do is put up some man to spank them.”
The Killer Whale that beat the Shark was triumphant in victory, saying “Yeah it was a good days work. I saw him there and thought ‘right, he’s a biggun. No danger I’ll just bite half his mid-section out in one go and that should see him in his place. Easy win. Tasted like a rugby players arse though.”
Everyone in Britain is now hated by everyone else it was revealed last night. As more ‘workers’ get that right-on feeling most people are considering strike action for no reason other than to annoy everyone else, because they now hate them.
Everyone else is expected to hate them even more and it is expected to lead to those people hating everyone else ever so slightly more than everyone else hates them.
The only reasonable solution to this non-stop hate-fest, it is suggested, is a nice pint after work and a healthy dinner. Everyone would then be expected to wake up feeling a little less annoyed at everyone else leaving everyone else free to consider a period of reflection in the form of yogic exercises and/or moon worshipping.
The recession is being blamed for a rise in credit crunch related naming of British offspring. Popular baby names such as ‘Jack’ and ‘Louise’ have been pushed down the top 10 with new parents opting for ‘Liebfraumilch’, ‘Diamond White’ and the increasingly popular ‘Lidl’ for their child’s monikers.
Former trends, such as naming a child after the city they were conceived in or the alcoholic drink that was blamed for the lapse in contraception, have changed with woman not drinking as much Chardonnay, men being unable to afford a Mercedes and nobody spending much time in posh cities abroad. New names reflect similar principles but as the recession bites Chardonnay has become ‘Lambrini’, Mercedes has become ‘Daewoo’ and where mums and dads may have spent a dirty weekend in Brooklyn it appears that ‘Coventry’ is now the weekend-away of choice.
New Parents Hollywood and Bugatti Smith from Hull said “We was buttered on Mad Dog while away in Runcorn, we called are little baby ‘Scratchings’ after the meal we had in the pub. ‘Scratchings’, it sounds quite Bavarian don’t you think?”
Kevin Farnsworth, who compiled the new list, said “It’s all very cyclical and often follows patterns of economic affluence, or otherwise these days. I’m sure that in a couple of years we’ll start congratulating people on the birth of a ‘Tesco’ until we’re all loaded again and Tesco will have a little sister called ‘Waitrose’. My money is on ‘Rightmove’ being the top name next year!”
Vince Cable proudly displayed his new Hair Transplant this morning as word spread of his disappointment at not being invited to Sky News televised Leaders Debate. Cable, constantly swanning about like he owns the place, has been well received by voters for his common-sense stance on many issues but is often seen with a ‘kick me’ post-it note on his back when leaving parliament. It is believed the hair transplant is part of an overall bid to be better looking than Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg.
Vince Cable said “I’ve worked my knackers off trying to please literally everyone but when it comes to a ‘leaders debate Sky only wants to talk about that Nick Clegg bloke. What’s he going to do? Chat up the females on the front row, that’s what! By the way, the NHS. I love it!’” …more
The British, or is that United Kingdomers, have been urged by every religious and socially righteous group ever to stop bickering and start appreciating what each nation brings to the union. Following a raft of disagreements over small matters such as which God is God, letting prisoners off with scores of murders or the subjugation of an entire culture all four home nations have been sent away for team building.
The Welsh are said to be in favour of the exercise and are prepared to write off the annexation of their nation in order to get along with the horrid English who in turn have said they are prepared to acknowledge the existence of their neighbours as a separate cultural identity instead of looking upon them as another county.
Scotland are less inclined to be in the same room as the English unless money and further transfers of power are forthcoming. The English are unprepared to hand anymore over to the Scots citing figures which suggest Scotland’s flamboyance could bankrupt Essex, the primary investor in Scotland’s GDP.
Northern Ireland asked if their was any drinks on for later and insisted they handle afternoon tea and biscuits. All nations agreed to this knowing that their Irish cousins were professional Tea and Biscuit providers.
England said “Do we have to sit in a room with those skirted gentleman and those rugby players. The short people handing out tea are palatable, but Taffy and McTavish are sooooo aggressive, what’s their problem?”
Scotland replied “Och owie ya wee jobbies, ah’ll kin kull yeass bahstars.”