08th Jan 2010
Hippies are clamouring to hire this Camper van
Car Hire firms have turned their attentions to hippies by hiring out death trap Volkswagen Camper vans and unstable Beetles to unsuspecting hippies. The fightback against increasingly extremist hippies began as climate change activists turned their attentions to car hire firms. Socially-unproductive hippies have been accusing motorists and air travellers of having a detrimental effect on the global climate, although it is now unanimously accepted that water vapour is the culprit and increased carbon levels is an effect of rising temperatures and not the catalyst as hippies believe.
Hippy religion now advocates brutal measures against anybody driving a car or making money, they apparently operate with no regard for the law and as such companies around the world are taking a stand. Car hire firms have taken the lead in the fight against the great unwashed by hiring out VW Camper vans during the festival season, these Camper vans are equipped with remotely controlled explosives and dodgy break cables. The VW Beetles are no better, they feature leaking exhaust fumes and the dodgiest electrical systems of any vehicle on the road. It is hoped that care hire firms alone can cut the hippy population by some 10% during the summer months. …more
07th Jan 2010
Tony Blair is a great admirer of his own work
Tony Blair has began a new program of pointless speeches at corporate events following the launch of his new 2010 pricing structure. The new payment plan for companies wishing to take on the speaking talents of the former Prime Minister has seen the cost of a thirty minute speech plummet to just £6,999 – just a third of the cost in November 2009. Corporate Events organisers are clamouring to employ the services of a warmonger to liven up the usually dull occasions.
Luck Stanford, a Corporate Events Organiser from Stoke, said “It looks good on the invitations. You open up the invite and there is Tony Blair grinning at you with a little speech bubble saying something ‘Look, let me be absolutely clear on this – David Miliband is pretending to be me!’” Many workers and share holders are now worried that their corporate event may include the once important person but the greatest fear remains his wife. In a recent survey of Invitees to various Corporate Events 90% said they would quit their jobs and move to Russia if they so much as hear Cherie Blair sneezing. 50% said they would consider an over-dose if she tried to engage them in conversation.
05th Jan 2010
Sixth Form College London Student takes it easy after week long binge
Sixth Form College London has been rated the best doss in the country following a survey of lazy, unwashed sixth formers. The highly sought-after award is expected to increase applications for the college by at least 70% in the summer as illiterate school leavers look for the easiest option before taking a gap year to Australia to further their idleness. A Sixth Form College London spokesman said “We;re obviously delighted, students these days expend a great deal of energy, perhaps up to 100 calories, researching the easiest college option. At the Sixth Form College London, we’ve been voted the best doss so applicants can be assured they’re getting it as easy as possible”.
Potential students, in the process of failing their final exams at school, greeted the news with some caution. Chardonnay Maskill, a possible applicant and all-round lazy girl, said “Yeah, it’s like totally good news but I like to think that another college will now step up their game and make it even easier for me to do absolutely nothing before my mum pays for me to go to Thailand or sumfink. Hopefully they’ll let me know because I don’t really want to have to find the best doss myself, do I?”
Other awards including ‘Largest Class Size’ and ‘Highest Proportion of Unqulaified Teachers’ all went to Schools and Colleges in the London area. …more
04th Jan 2010
Batman takes a call from Catwoman and plays nervously with the cord
Batman has lept in to the 21st century by replacing his old rotary bat phone with sparkling new VOIP phones. Purists will be happy to note that the caped crusader has insisted the VOIP phones are finished in hot red with the Batman logo emblazoned on the hand set.
When asked what took him so long to upgrade the retro phones he has had since the sixties Bruce Wayne, who apparently know Batman quite well, said “I, er, he quite liked them and to be honest I get called out by the ol’ Batman search light that everyone mistakes for an advert for a gothic nightclub. And yes, I didn’t mean ‘I’ just then, of course I meant Batman.”
The VOIP phones are rumoured to be a special edition manufactured esclusivley by Logitech for the super hero and his VOIP provider is assumed to be Skype. Band of Slugs has searched the Skype directory for Batman but could only find the Green Lantern, Hawkman and three entries for the Flash. The old Batphones will be sold to DirectLine for use in their advertisements.
21st Dec 2009
The Chef insists his idea will have something to do with Seagulls.
Eurostar have unveiled an unorthodox plan to get the estimated 55,000 stranded travellers back to Blighty by dragging them from the back of a train on an assortment of Cookware. Oven trays, large commercial sauce pans and Ken Hom Woks will be used to double capacity on the fast trains and get everyone home from Europe in good time for the Queens speech. The Cookware plan was devised by a Chef aboard a broken Eurostar train who saw all of his pots and pans sitting their doing nothing.
“Zoot Alor! Zis is what I thought when I saw all of zees cookwares about mon kitchen. I would like to be serving petit pois wiz Foie Gras and a sintilating rouge vin to zee passengers. But I cannot. Instead, I am thinking a lot about using mon cookware to double le capacity en le train. I know, I am a genius.” said Eric Cantona, a Eurostar chef.
Bosses at Eurostar moved quickly to approve the plan and have begun drafting contracts for passenger to sign and waive their right to safety, warmth and shelter. Those that don’t fall off a Wok, freeze or suffer health problems from fear will likely be taken to a London hospital where it is hoped they will be discharged in time for Christmas.
14th Dec 2009
Joe McElderry adjusts his Bra Strap
Removal workers tasked with emptying out the X Factor house have found what ITV spokesmen are calling ‘Educational Toys’ in Joe McElderry’s room. Joe McElderry, who last night won the X Factor, is said to be mortified but publicly he is distancing himself from allegations that the educational toys found were actually My Little Pony’s, a collection of hair dressing accessories and a dressing up kit.
This is not the first time educational toys have been at the centre of controversy. Last year there were 259 hospital admissions that were are due to ‘Educational Toy Insertion Trauma’, fortunatly nobody has died from this yet. It is thought the toys were a gift from Will Young who was said to be ‘very taken’ when meeting the boy at Cheryl Coles’ contestant selection.
Joe McElderry beat Olly Murrs in the final last night and is tipped to be almost as successful as Leon Jackson who presumably died shortly after winning the fourth season of the popular show. The single, called ‘Climb’ or something, will doubtless hit the number 1 spot despite a rather poor attempt from an internet campaign to usurp the Christmas number one position.
11th Dec 2009
Oh dear, what is this MP up to?
An anonymous MP has created photo books of other MPs in compromising situations that will rock the foundations of parliament if it is ever released. Using a bog standard digital camera the MP has recorded some of the most disturbing images yet of bizarre behaviour from British members of parliament and has began to publish the images in photo books that the unnamed MP will release unless Gordon Brown publicly admits he quite fancies Angela Merkel.
Band of Slugs has had an exclusive preview of the pictures and can reveal that would almost certainly raise an eyebrow with the British public. The photo books are set to include disturbing images of high profile MPs in some of the most shocking revelations in to their unusual private lives. It can not be understated enough that the books could potentially bring down the entire political system in the UK with ministers and shadow ministers alike all in the frame.
The demand from the anonymous MP is simple, Prime Minister Brown need only publicly admit the nature of his admiration of the German leader and the photo books will never see the light of day. Sources close to the Prime Minister say Mr Brown will not tolerate blackmail and once the identity of the books author is discovered he or she will likely go the same way as Doctor Kelley. there may be trouble ahead.
08th Dec 2009
Sarkozy wants a bit of this action, but he may be too short to take the ride!
The world’s leaders are to schedule future state events with Bankers after it emerged they are now richer than the Queen on average. A corporate event for bankers costs an incredible 230% more than a state banquet held by her Majesty and global leaders are choosing to attend these lavish events instead. Typical corporate events for bankers can even rival the outlay for the Oscars and top bankers can look forward to gifts from premier design houses and electronics manufacturers.
Gordon Brown has benefited from such events already with every room in 10 Downing Street equipped with the latest Neo PDP televisions from Panasonic and a Gucci Plug-in air freshener. French President and renowned attentionist Nikolas Sarkozy is already angling for invitations to premier corporate events in the city but is out of favour with bankers because of his ambitions to curtail the financial powerhouse of London, the source of bankers phenomenal wealth.
Leaked footage from one such Corporate Event for bankers revealed debauchery and opulence on a scale not seen since Russell Brand’s New Years Eve party in 2005. The video shows bankers engaging in illegal futures gambling with a deck of Page 3 Top Trumps and a scandalous rant about Alistair Darling and his attempts to moderate the banking industry. The video has recently been destroyed and it’s contents cannot be verified. But it did happen, honest.
02nd Dec 2009
Quickly, point the bottle at those Socialist Oiks over there!
The entire Champagne region of France is to be moved to an area of Surrey in a bid to eliminate carbon emissions from the transport of the expensive booze to its inevitable destination in the wealthy county of England. Almost all Champagne ends up in the glasses of Surrey’s wine bars and now it looks set to be made there too.
Environmentalists have long argued that since 94.6% of the Champagne produced goes straight to Surrey the farming and production should be moved there in order to cut down on emissions and save planet Earth from the humans. The EU, who have recently experienced French rudeness first hand, are said to back the plans and would like nothing better than to annoy President Sarkozy. French manufacturers are considering their next move as their families are unlikely to resettle in England given the average French person can expect only a bad reception from the thoroughly Conservative population in the wealthiest county in the UK.
The Champagne region is expected to find a new home in Runnymede district but the product will retain its famous name so as not to put Surrey folk off. Locals had mixed feelings about the move, Francis Farnsworth, a local, said “While I obviously don’t drink, ever, what if we Surrey folk decided to move to the Champagne region …more
12th Nov 2009
David Cameron has been consulting various tradesmen about his vision for 10 Downing Street ahead of his expected move next year. After winning the general election Mister Cameron is expected to install a swimming pool, loft insulation and double glazing to the front of the house. Top of the agenda for the Tory leader is underfloor heating in the kitchen where it is said the slate tiled floor can get a bit chilly in the winter.
A source close to the future prime minister said “He loves all that eco nonsense but when it comes to his house he’s all about the mod-cons! What sort of country can we call this if the leader doesn’t have a swimming pool or underfloor heating?” When asked what, if any, considerations were being made to make the famous house more environmentally friendly he told us “Well he wants one of those Dyson Airblades! He loves them, everyone does. They use less power to dry your hands so I suppose that’s a bit of good news for the tree huggers.”
Meanwhile, 3 van loads of paper shredders have been delivered to No. 10. It is not known what their purpose is but some have speculated that they are intended to create shredding for the Gordon browns hamsters.