24th Mar 2010
Oi! Sign the form, Banker!
Filthy rich Bankers are being told to put up their cash to guarantee loans for everyone else who are stinking poor. With Bankers being offered ridiculous bonuses or eye-watering pay rises in the wake of the banking scandal that help the world run out of money the Government are set to introduce new rules that will force the only workforce in the country with any money to act as guarantor with any new guarantor loan application.
Bankers have already found ways around new bonus rules which were designed to curtail risky financial decisions and promote a more long term approach to guessing what, if anything, will net them and their employers a massive windfall of cash. These new rules are designed to be less forgiving and force bankers to put their ill-gotten gains up for the benefit of the public. All Guarantor Loan applications will now feature a unique code which, when punched in to website, will give the applicant a name of a banker to put in the form as the guarantor. The named banker will then receive notification that if the applicant fails to pay up, they’ll be responsible. …more
01st Feb 2010
Unfortunately, Dentists are still as bad as ever.
A rise in unemployment in the City has led many to take jobs up as Holiday Home Insurance Salesmen (and women) which has turned opinion of the trade on it’s head. Previously, shoppers would avoid entire streets to evade the constant badgerings of Holiday Home Insurance salesmen but the rise in nice people taking up jobs in this area has seen the profession rise up the likable league.
Now above Traffic Wardens and catching up fast with politicians, holiday home insurance salesmen are enjoying a wave of acceptance among the shoppers of England. John Terry took the challenge of offering competitive insurance deals to shoppers in Andover and he has been pleased with the reception he has received so far. Talking from a cafe on his lunch break John Terry said “I was doing well as hedge fund manager but that all went pear-shaped. Now I offering genuinely good deals to the good folk here. They seem very keen and it keeps me happy.”
The change of opinion has come at a price for some job roles though. The rise of the Holiday Home Insurance salesman has meant that Pub Doormen and Dentists have all gone down the table of acceptable people to talk to at a moderately passive dinner party.
29th Jan 2010
The Cover Shot from the White Paper released yesterday
After almost a decade and several million pounds of funding it has been confirmed that the answer to storage problems is, in fact, storage solutions. Research group, the Thinkers Society of Britain, released a white paper yesterday to detail their findings from an exhaustive study that began in 2001. The document, titled ‘Storage, I Haz It’, weighs in at an impressive 561 pages – silencing critics of the millions in funding.
Raymond Jones, who led the research team, said “It’s reassuring to know that a common problem we all face – literally, not enough space to store our things – has an answer! And that answer is storage solutions. Simply buy more storage and you will always have enough room to put your stuff in. Of course, that’s the straight forward, corners cut version, the white paper goes in to much more detail.”
Critics were initially angered by the the estimated £4.1 million the research team received from the government but having seen the results from the Thinkers Society the critics have been tamed. James Olsen, from Tax Payers Watch, said “Initially we were outraged that this research could receive such a hugh amount of money, but given the answers they have provided with their white paper we have all been well satisfied.”
29th Jan 2010
Moment of impact! A Car Tyre strikes Craig Bellamy
Greater Manchester Police have announced that a number of fans have been charged for throwing tyres at City forward Craig Bellamy. Fans at Wednesday’s Manchester derby will remember the slightly comical scene of a section of fans throwing tyres at Manchester City striker Craig Bellamy. The Welsh forward is frequently regarded as the most annoying man in Football, superseding the ever unpopular Robbie Savage.
The fans will appear in court today and will likely face a ban from football stadiums and a community service order expected to approach 100 hours. Demonstrations have already began with many fans calling for a clause in the law to allow large objects to be thrown at Craig Bellamy. Hal Jordan, founder of campaign group ‘Bellamy’s Fair Game’, said “What has this country become if we can’t even chuck a few tractor tyres at that [man], it’s time for a change in the law!”
Football has been trying to clean itself up in recent years and has largely succeeded but this latest incident could set the campaign back. Bruce Wayne, a spokesman for the Football Association, said “We’ve been working really hard to prevent this sort of behaviour at games but it seems a few fans took no notice of our efforts and threw some car tyres at that chap with no neck. …more
20th Jan 2010
Gordon Brown Plans to Reform the Reception Furniture Industry
Gordon Brown has already began taking offers for a new job after he resigns from politics following an expected humiliation at the ballot box later this year. With every poll now predicting a Conservative win in the next General election it is left for the Scottish bruiser to begin listening to job offers. Top of the list for the outgoing Prime Minister is a chairman’s role at a leading Reception furniture company.
With offers thin on the ground it has become apparent that a number of smaller companies have taken advantage of the PMs situation by offering him a reduced salary position at the top of their tables. The Reception furniture company in question is already a supplier to number 10 and recently made the proposal to Mr. Brown. Close aides to the nations leader have already said that he is willing to listen to any offer and even some leading conservatives are considering him for a position in one of their many businesses.
The only likely way out for Gordon will be a coalition agreement with the Liberal Democrats but this is unlikely to win public favour and Nick Clegg has privately laughed off the idea. Clegg allegedly said on a Sunday morning discussion program (possibly the Andrew Marr Show) that he’d rather dine with some rich people than share government with “that oafish ne’er do well”. Clegg himself has interest in a reception furniture company and has ruled out the idea of poaching the PMs skills for his own business. …more
18th Jan 2010
They dressed this one up as a Cow!
Sales of Dog Clothes in Japan have boomed in recent years thanks largely to an increase in Dog sales. Dog Clothes manufacturers are announcing the best ever year in terms of growth with many boosting output by 110% to meet demand. This echoes pet stores who themselves have recorded record growth in a widely difficult year for the Japan. Dog Clothes expert, Rex Mutt, said “It’s been such a great year for both sales and designs, doggy fashion has never been so cool!”
The most popular outfit for Dogs has been a Krypto dress-up, modelled on Supermans dog, which is regularly seen on dogs up and down Tokyo’s posh district of Shibuya. Superhero outfits for Dogs have seen such a sharp rise in Japan that Marvel and DC comics are falling over themselves to licesnse new designs. US Comic books have seen a revival in Japan and nowhere more so than among dog owners it would seem. Most anticipated of these are Ace (the Bat-Hound from Batman) and Marvels Lockjaw the Inhuman Dog.
Japanese dog owners are getting in to the act themselves by dressing up even for trips to the supermarket. We all knew that Japan had lost all sense when we first saw Japanese Fluorescent Lamp Fighting but maybe it’s time to call in the Doctors.
15th Jan 2010
The Classic 'Rock Bottom' Demotivational Poster
A major study in to the comedy value of cheap blinds has revealed that there is nothing funny about them at all. The market research firm Acme Research Service for Enterprise (ARSE) spent three years and £14 million on research in to the average laugh factor of cheap blinds. The report, officially released tomorrow, concludes that at no point in the manufacture, distribution and use of cheap blinds are they remotely amusing.
ARSE recommends designers of cheap blinds incorporate elements of amusement in their manufacturing to increase sales. The author of the report, entitled ‘Cheap Blinds: About as Funny as a Brick’, suggests printing one-line jokes on the slats of the blinds, or funny pictures that reveal themselves once the blinds are closed. One such example of an “hilarious” picture would be the popular de-motivational poster entitled ‘Rock Bottom’, pictured left. …more
13th Jan 2010
How a Mesh Computers Exec might look as he approves measures to increase customer dissatisfaction
Mesh Computers have gone to incredible new lengths to lower public opinion of them by holding customers money without actually sending out any orders. The customer service policy, the brainchild of customer services manager Sumati Jetha, involves customers paying for new computers and then getting absolutely nothing in return. Mesh executives believe this revolutionary new retail format could finally force the company to give the bosses massive payoffs without having to do any further work.
Max Sherafati, owner of Mesh Computers, might have said “What we really want is to piss everyone off with the end product being a re-distribution of the money from our investment partners straight in to my bank account. I really can’t be bothered to turn up once a week anymore just to look at a load of miserable, thieving employees. I’ve got a lovely house in Surrey and like to spend more time there.”
The plan to hold customers money for an unnecessary length of time enables the business to generate a small fortune from short term stock dealings and interest rates. It is thought that the company also uses the retained capital to finance loan sharks who prey on the most vulnerable members of society. One resident in Runcorn might have told us “This big bloke turned up on door step and said I had to borrow £2,500 pounds from him, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He mumbled something about an interest rate of 3000% and if I didn’t pay he’d break my legs. I called the number on his card and got through Mesh Computers customer service. They told me they’d call back, they didn’t. the doctors said I might never walk again.”
For more on Mesh Computers being crap visit Mesh Computers – Terrible Experience – Choose Dell
13th Jan 2010
Myleene Klass Curtains are expected to be big sellers!
Myleene Klass has taken her recent experience with a peeping tom as inspiration for a range of curtains to keep nasty prying eyes out. The former Hear’Say star turned classical musician and advert regular recently waved a knife at some perverts as they loitered at her window, the incident earned her a telling off from some police officers and the very entrepreneurial idea of design her own range of curtains.
Klass, who frequently appears on top 10 hottest women alive lists, will appear nude on one her designs which, when drawn, will join her two halves together for a complete view of the former One show hostess. The reverse of the curtains features Myleene holding a knife and carrying a angry expression on her face. Curtain retailers are ecstatic about the new range and pre-orders are already setting new records for the curtain trade. Chris Ainsworth, an Armenian bloke who requires a ‘Plus 1′ if anyone’s interested, said “My curtain shop had customers yesterday! I couldn’t believe it, they all want these Myleene Klass curtains. We’ll have them in real soon but I might just eBay the lot and get more than retail value for them. Oh, and if anybody wants to be my ‘Plus 1′ some time, please get in touch.”
Myleen Klass was unavailable for comment at her home, but after waving a knife around for a while she drew her curtains to reveal a press statement which read “Sometimes you get a really good idea, other times you get paid to prance about and bang on about someone elses idea. This is the first one, my idea! Buy curtains or I’ll upgrade to a chainsaw!”
12th Jan 2010
The designers of DOUCHE, scheduled for a long spell in jail.
Product Designers from around the country were left in horror last night as a concept product design came to life and opened fire on the judging panel. The Annual Product Design Awards were being held to celebrate British product design and to drum up business from overseas but an award winning design for a new remote control attack helicopter went tragically wrong and shot dead Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and some other bloke who nobody liked anyway.
Cowell, Holden and the other bloke were there to judge to the finalists in the Overall Best Product design category and were killed when the bookies favourite, Dreaded Ordinance Ubër Cannon Helicopter Enforcer – DOUCHE, malfunctioned and dispatched the three clean-of-teeth judges. Civilians present at the awards were not harmed but left in a state of shock and relief.
Thom Japton, a Batman fan, said “Yeah, it was like totally weird. One minute Cowell is banging on about wedding singers and the next this massive helicopter shot the lot of them. I’m a bit upset because it was quite messy but also a little happier ’cause I never liked them much anyway.” Organisers of the British Product Design Awards will refund all members of the public as a show of goodwill. …more