20th Aug 2009
Labour were uniformly patting themselves on the back last night after another successful hoodwinking involving education standards and the rising number of utterly useless children being ejected from their extended kinder gartens, otherwise known as ‘colleges’. As losing is not allowed under strict labour guidelines, all children are ritually handed out an ‘A Star’ and told to go to university where they can finally begin a process of preparing them for the real world. …more
19th Aug 2009
A global shortage of iPhones is being blamed on Afghan demand after reports the high tech gadgets are effective as incendiary devices. Afghan farmers are in a race against the holiday season to provide the west with sufficient quantities of heroin in a bid to acquire enough money to fund the friendly Taliban with enough iPhones to wipe out a small city. Once in Taliban hands the destructive mobile phones are being dished out to allied troops who appear to be happy to receive them. …more
18th Aug 2009
Football thespians around the country took to the streets this morning to round up nancy Rugby Actors and give them a good drubbing following Tom Williams’ terrible acting in Harlequins Heineken Cup quarter final against Leinster.
Wearing a tutu, short shorts and high heels Williams used a comedy blood capsule purchased from a Roger Tuckers, 8 from Sunderland’s St. Lawrence Primary School, to get himself taken off the field so a different big girls blouse could then run on to hold the genitals of another man. …more
17th Aug 2009
WALES last night insisted that it is alive and well after reports linked its demise with Electric Ant Arsonists. Possibly tens of English people were said to be mildly curious for not more than 20 seconds before forgetting about it and promptly getting on with job of pomposity. WALES, Welsh Against Laudable English Superiority, had thought to have been wiped out following the attack. …more
14th Aug 2009
Chancellor Obama last night revealed plans for a fairer Health System for all Americans, particularly the ‘can work, won’t work’ demographic. The proposed ‘Peoples Well Being System’ is based on a concept of fusing the health system the bad guys had in the 1984 movie ‘Red Dawn’ and the British National Health Service (NHS).
The NHS was born of Britain’s lack of population control after doing a thoroughly good job of limiting the prospect of yet another big war. When confronted with the possibility of peace in Europe the Labour Communist Workers Alliance for the People Party needed a system to kill as many British voters as possible. The proposal for a state run health service was quickly put in place and has been starving Britons of first world health services ever since, limiting the population there to a manageable 60 million.
With the prospect of the War on Terror, now in its 8th season, getting a bit boring for the average US voter Chancellor Obama has pledged to mimic the NHS …more
10th Aug 2009
Britain is to conduct a national debate on the issue of food production for forthcoming years. It might come as a surprise to some people that Britian is thought to be 60-65 percent self sufficent. The nation imports 20 percent of its food from Europe and the rest from other areas (obviously).
It’s pretty amazing such a little island can provide most of its food for its 60 million people – so one naturally wonders if it could provide the whole 100 percent if it had to? With modern farming methods many would argue that unlike the dark days of World War One and Two, where Britain’s food supply was sometimes under extreme pressure due to reliance on food from abroad – we could could perhaps sustain oursleves.
Obviously, we’d have to do without exotic fruits like oranges. And pineapples would be but a distant memory.
The really worrying thing would be that if we has to be totally self sufficent, we would no longer be able to buy in challot and chive Boursin cheese from our French cousins. Wouldn’t that be terrible? Admittedly, it’s only 20 miles to France and it’s made in the north of the nation – so it’s not too far.
I for one would be willing to train to be an Olympic style swimming person, and swim across to get a couple of packs of the mouth watering stuff.
Of course, this all brings up the question of what circumstances we would be facing if we couldn’t import Boursin from France? Whatever it is, if survived World War Two without Boursin, we can do it again. Just send the SAS to get some for us.
31st Jul 2009
It apparently costs 320,000 pounds to run Swindon’s 5 speed cameras, so the authority have decided to divert the funds into other road safety measures that will aim to reduce the casualty rate on the Swindon roads.
But are they really going to invest that money in road safety? Or is that cash simply going to help fill the huge funding gap that the Swindon local authority is dealing with? Rather than a more prudent use of cash, it may well simply be one of the many cuts that we can expect in both local and government spending over the coming months and years.