08th Sep 2009
A new Beatles song has been found in a dusty cupboard in Liverpool prompting a huge rush of turncoat hippies and a new generation of barber-dodgers to get a listen. Band of Slugs has an exclusive on the lyrics for the new track titled ‘Buy More Beatles Tat’.
The new song urges listeners to spend more of their money making Paul McCartney even richer than he already is as well as keeping Yoko wealthy enough to pursue her principles and promptly disregard them in favour of hiring lots of people to do her bidding. …more
07th Sep 2009
English people are busy working on new sports to invent that they will be completely rubbish at following huge success in being utterly [poo] at every sport they introduced to the world. With England barely able to pull a slender victory against Slovenia in a friendly Football match and then failing to beat a seemingly defeated Australia at Cricket it remains only for England’s Rugby team to show the world how dreadful they are at their own games.
Gordon Brown, a Scottish person, has urged all English people to invent new sports and show the whole planet exactly how badly they can lose using their own rules. Ben Smith, an habitual loser from Liverpool, said “I was thinking that instead of chucking crumpled up paper in to a bin all day – having failed to be able to spell my name right at the top of the page – we could turn that into a sport. You could put the bin on the wall and then throw paper in it to score.” It was later pointed out that this sounded a lot like American sport Basketball, an activity that has promisingly yielded much failure to English players. …more
04th Sep 2009
Robbie Williams comeback has been branded ‘not as good as the resurection’ by just about everyone who noticed that Robbie is in fact coming back. News of a new single and video release made the ‘and finally’ section of Northumberlands local news program. It has been suggested that Mr. Williams would like very much to sell a few records and mirror the success of Take That, a ‘man band’ that make Williams music sound like an eggy fart from an obese and clinically ill boar.
Early critiques of the song all aggree that as comebacks go, Mohammed Ali has a better chance of regaining a World Championship Belt in heavyweight boxing. “That Jesus fella, now he can throw a comeback! A real stageman he was” said Pierre Dunstable, a critic. “So everyone thought he was dead, and then he ‘comes back to life’ and surprises everyone. His sales must have went through the roof! Robbie should have let on he was really ill or something, people love that. Worked for that Minogue lass didn’t it.” …more
03rd Sep 2009
Israelis and Palestinians stopped killing each other for 23 minutes last night. In a rare moment of unity both sides insisted that Madonna should stop behaving like a Sugar Babe, realise she is older than most of her fans mothers and put some bloody clothes on before she catches her death.
Shocking scenes in Tel Aviv of an old woman in a leotard were beamed around the world at dinner time resulting in the largest outbreak of projectile vomiting since Britney Spears went knicker-less in Vegas. Religious leaders were outraged with Rabi’s willing to impose strict Muslim dress to prevent the superstar from ever doing this again. …more
02nd Sep 2009
Scotland made a swift return to form yesterday and once again blamed England for everything that has ever gone wrong including the Megrahi scandal, arguably the worst decision this century. After documents were released that said British Prime Minister, an utterly Scottish person, did not want the UK’s worst murderer to die in jail Scotland’s first minister, Alex ‘Och I hate the English’ Salmond, insisted that the Scottish parliaments choice was justified and if it was at all wrong then critics should look no further than Westminster. Yes that Westminster, which is actually full to bursting with Scottish people.
Alex Salmond said “Nay point lookin’ this way pal, I’ll knock yer heed aff if you so much as look at me the wrong way. Och anyway, it was all the fault oo’ those bastart English reet …more
28th Aug 2009
German Sweet Company Haribo have taken the lead in Porn marketing with exciting new imagery of various fruits going at it like Dutch perverts. The move to use porn on wrappers to entice children and parents alike to purchase their suger enriched candy products came after researchers found that Japanese filth merchants were increasingly using fruit flavoured sweets to get their sexual kicks.
A spokesman for Haribo said ‘Ze fruity fruits are certainly very fruity now mit der kinky sex games that ve hast pictured on ze sweety wrappers, ja. Ve are very proud zat out artists have found this zeitgeist of sweety pornography and ve have duely included it on to our sweety wrappers. You see zis is a gut thing, ja? Kinder und parents love it so, ze happy vorld of haribo!” …more
27th Aug 2009
Kerry Katona beat seven shades of shite out of her accountant yesterday after he purchased the wrong kind of ‘coke’ for her. On returning from the shop down the road with a can of regular Coca-Cola Katona was alleged to have screamed like a banshee and rained blows upon the Accountant. The accountant suffered cuts, bruises and will now have to deal with a lifetime of ridicule for being beaten up by a girl.
A source close to the Katona family said “Kerry loves her coke so she does, she’s all over it, can’t get enough. She used to hide her habit from the family but now she’s quite open about it. Why not? Oh, she’s very liberalistic is our Kezza”. When pressed on how much coke Katona is consuming the source told us “Loads. She normally buys it wholesale.” …more
26th Aug 2009
West Ham and Millwall fans last night forgot about their football rivalry and decided instead to wave their handbags at each other in a French manner. The action was welcomed by the Football Association who are keen to continentalise English football and make it as dreary and pointless as the French and German leagues.
Fans forgot all about the Carling Cup match between their teams and came to the match with their best handbags in a bid to out-handbag their rivals. West Ham Handbag fancier Steven Smith said “Awight! Yeah mate, it was all like never mind the soddin’ football, lets get out our biggest, most celebrity-esque handbags and really show those Millwall boys who’s got the best snakeskin over-the-shoulder. Actually, there were some really special bags out there today, it’s all the rage in France you know.” …more
25th Aug 2009
Peter Mandelson has been confirmed as the Devil this week after a series of highly dubious meetings while on Holiday in Corfu. Satan, 55 from south London, met with Colonel Gadafis son to discuss the successful ‘Oil for Mass Murdering Terrorists’ program and Dreamworks co-founder, David Geffen, to hammer out a deal to criminalise the majority of Britons for alleged file sharing and claim some healthy back-handers for himself in the process.
Mandelson, real name Mephistopheles, is now firmly dedicated to rolling out his ‘Only The Guilty Go Online’ plan to parliament. The Prince of Darkness, who recently deposed Hitler as worst person ever, is said to be very pleased with his share of the revenues made on Libyan oil and can’t wait to see his first cheques from the major movie houses after these laws are in place that will prevent the UK from reading this news story, or watching gentlemens entertainment when the wife has gone to bed. …more
24th Aug 2009
After a crime spree that began with the rise in popularity of the CCTV camera, Groucho Marx has now become Britain’s most wanted criminal with at least 33,000 crimes in London alone. Video of Marx performing a multitude of crimes is abundant at almost all retail stores around the country and leading Retail groups are calling for Marx to be captured at all costs. It is estimated that the former comedy legend costs the UK economy £1.4 billion per year. …more