25th Sep 2009
Watercoolers are spying on the nations office workers listening for sensitive information to bribe you with it has been discovered. Scientists at the Wansdale Academy for Noetic Knowledge found that watercoolers were listening in on conversations and promptly emailing victims with demands to add a dash of Vodka to the supply.
Vicky Smithins, a particularly thirsty office worker, said “I got this email that said ‘I heard about you in the stationary room with bloke from Accounts – I know a Watercooler in his wife’s office! Put some Vodka in my supply or else!” Mrs Smithins duly complied and has since been fired for getting her former colleagues tiddly during working hours.
The scientists say that the Watercoolers should be burnt, and then burnt again to ensure their destruction – although it the boffin hastened to add that it might be better to empty the bottle first.
25th Sep 2009
Leonard Cohen was pelted with rocks and told in no uncertain terms to piss off in Israel last night after the crowd seemed shocked that Alexandra Burke, last years X Factor winner, had appeared to turn white, old and male.
The crowd were expecting Alexandra, an icon among Israelites and such is the feeling towards her that many have petitioned the Government there to replace the national anthem with ‘Hallelujah’, a song that was written entirely by Ms. Burke in 7 minutes on a tube train going from East Putney to Bayswater. …more
24th Sep 2009
Hunters everywhere are preparing for the opening of the westernised nations season, giving them a green light to shoot dead any mature western nation they happen to see roaming the meadows.
Top hunters, including President Ahmadinejad and Colonel Gaddafi, have cleaned their substantial rifles and packed enough ammunition to make the UN conference in New York a complete blood bath, with Pride and Dignity expected to be among the first species to be shot in to oblivion.
Gaddafi, a recent world champion Westernised Nations hunter, said “They’re really very easy to shoot. They just walk right in to the path of my gun and BLAM! I swear it’s the funniest thing ever, if I miss they just stop and wait for me to reload and BANG I’m off again.” …more
23rd Sep 2009
A factory that produced the horrendous amounts of additives in Fosters ‘beer’ leaked yesterday leaving Sydney looking like a scene from Total Recall. Fosters ‘Beer’, notorious worldwide for tasting like the toilet water from a German Sausage Festival urinal, includes vast quantities of the red poison in its ‘beer’ to numb the pain of drinking it. The factory blamed a leak in one of its huge additive vats, spewing a red dust cloud all over Sydney.
A spokesman for Fosters said “I think we all agree our ‘beer’ needs this filth in it to make it remotely palatable. Without it, tests have shown it would be like drinking sea water from the coast of Iraq – and believe me, it’s not just oil in there!” Environmentalists are concerned that Fosters may eventually kill the planet with there diabolical flavourings. A hippie referred to Fosters ‘brewery’ as “a factory of death, producing the very chemicals that will not only destroy our planet but will eventually turn Mars red too!” …more
22nd Sep 2009
British men were last night bracing themselves for another week of head-buggery as they try to figure out whether the wife can watch Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor at the weekend. The dilemma emerged only when Strictly Come Dancing appointed top totty Alesha Dixon to the judges panel, rivalling Cheryl Cole on ITV’s X Factor. Confused British males have been congregating around pub table in discussions about which woman is their preferered fantasy TV judge – and there doesn’t appear to be a clear winner.
The two women are expected to wear increasingly attractive outfits in a bid to secure the male votes which will allow wives to tune in, prompting fears from police officials. PC Bob McTaggart said “As these women become more and more sexy with less and less clothes I expect men to find more difficult to come to the decision, which may mean that the wife cannot put either show on the TV. A situation that gives me cause for concern.” …more
22nd Sep 2009
US Voters were in shock last night as Chancellor Obama revealed he was a Black man before the election. Many had thought he simply turned black after visiting a tanning salon whilst on his pilgrimage to Jesusland in Jordan. Speaking on David Lettermans show the Chancellor told a record audience he “was Black before the election” prompting many to question where he got his nice tan and fueling rumours he never actually went to Jesusland.
Obamas trip to Jesusland was largely reported a success with many outlets reporting that the ‘Are You the Second Coming Machine’ flashed green for yes after Obama had inserted his quarter. A sure sign that Obama is the new Christ. Whilst there Obama frequented the ‘Holy Tan, Batman’ tanning salon where he then turned ‘black’ after over doing it on the sabbath. …more
18th Sep 2009
Famous impressionist Bobby Davro has eaten Jeremy Clarkson, it has been claimed by the police.
The incident took place after Clarkson made offensive remarks to a group of hippy women dressed as suffragettes, who had dumped horse manure on Clarkson’s driveway. One of these women turned out to be Bobby Davro, who was enraged by Clarkson’s alleged outburst, allegedly – and ate him.
The investigating detective commented: “For a small man he seems to have eaten Mr Clarkson with relative ease. He appears to have dislocated his jaw in order to fit Clarkson’s larger-than-usual head in. Officers arrived at the scene too late to save the BBC TV presenter who was found completely digested in the suspect’s stomach. Only an Aston Martin car key was recovered.”
While the media has been suggesting that Davro was part of the feminist hippy group because he liked wearing early 20th century dresses, others have stated that Davro was in love with the hairiest protester (Bubsey) – and when Clarkson let loose on her, Davro simply snapped.
Some circles have proffered the idea that Davro had joined the dark underbelly of Hippy Suffrogette-Inspired Protesters after appearing in the BBC’s popular soap opera ‘EastEnders’. Friend’s of the ex-comedian say he went into a spiralling depression whilst filming the show. He then met Bubsey, who at the time was protesting outside the EastEnders set about Ian Beale’s excessively capitalistic behaviour.
On hearing the news, Clarkson’s close relatives said they “weren’t too fussed” about the incident, although they hoped the police would hand over the Aston Martin keys as soon as their investigations were complete.
11th Sep 2009
A £16 million report into the collapse of MG Rover has revealed that four drunks made £42 million by putting just £2.50 each of their own money in to failed car maker MG Rover becasue they didn’t have enough for four pints at the pub. The blame once again falls on the Governement who stubbornly refuse to stop bleeding everyone dry with a 730% tax on beer.
The report, the one that cost £16 million quid, is only loosly critical of the ‘Phoenix Four’ who bought the struggling car company. “The idea to buy MG Rover came about because the four didn’t have enough money to buy a round” the report said “If the price of beer was £2.50 a pint instead of a wage-caning £3 then this whole tragedy could have been avoided.”
John Towers, one of the lucky winners, said “We was in the pub and we only had a tenner between us. We told the barman we had ten quid and could we have four pints please and he was like nah mate piss off, so we did but on the way to the bookie we were offered Rover for a tenner. I never though they meant the whole bloody company, but it was a better bet than Aston Villa away to Blackburn at the time.” …more
10th Sep 2009
New laws being introduced today will give authorities the power to shoot, in the head, anyone using the word ‘Academia’ in any context other than to take the piss out of someone who has said the word in a non-piss taking kind of way. The new rules were first conceived after many had lost their temper when talking to 30-odd year old students who insisted that “leaving Academia would be quite traumatic for me”.
High profile users of the now illegal word include Liz Bonnin, a curious mash-up of Irish, studious and annoying and Orlando Bloom who believes ‘Academia’ is a planet where he intends to live among Elvish bowmen …more
09th Sep 2009
Previously unheard of and soon to be forgotten again rapper Speech won a pointless Music award and nobody really cares. Sales of her Album, Speech Therapy, doubled to 4 and are expected to top 11 by the end the decade.
She faced tough competition from equally inconsequential acts Florence and the Machine, Led Bib and Sweet Billy Pilgrim. Kasabian, La Roux, Bat for Lashes and Glasvegas were in also in the running but didn’t stand a chance in hell because organisers, the BPI for Christs sake, are too far up their own arses to consider acts that may have sold more than 10 songs on iTunes. …more