09th Nov 2009
Simon Cowell is to be assassinated after pulling his trousers down and defecating on the British public from a significant height. He did this live on television on Sunday night. When given the opportunity to banish the unstable anti-talented twins he instead allowed the British public, who have been denied a proper education since 1997, to choose by going to the public vote. Lucy [Jones, is it?] scored the fewest votes and despite having more talent in one bum-spot than the twins could possibly muster in several lifetimes she got the boot.
The UK Government, headed byX Factor fan Gordon Brown who can’t write or spell correctly, will use public money to create a new show called “Britain’s Got Assassins” which will scour the four nations to find the most creative and destructive method of death for Simon Cowell. Stacey Soloman, from Dagenham, said “Look here, I’ll drop my immaculately cute and affable personality and get straight to business – Cowell has to go, and my vote would involve a pack of dogs, a big bag of salt and a swimming pool with a single, near-starved Killer Whale. It’d be quick but by God he’d know pain.” …more
06th Nov 2009
Israeli forces have detained a shipment of Air Conditioning units bound for Lebanon’s Hizbollah movement. Tens of the air cooling devices were found onboard a vessel in the Israeli port of Ashdod where the military were investigating reports that Air Conditioning units were being trafficked to militants across the region. The provision of domestic luxuries to terrorists is explicitly outlawed by the Government in Israel and they have already been embarrassed by reports that shipments of brown goods have already made it past their rigorous checks.
Sources close to the investigation have told Band of Slugs that the containers were marked with Iranian shipping codes which suggests that Tehran may be supplying comfort goods to militants in the region.
An Israeli Defence spokesman said “We are not going to tolerate the willful supply of Air Conditioning units to schmucks. This act of chutzpah is in direct violation of gischmoigun and warrants strong action against the meshugener who is responsible. Now we have to shlep this schlock around, whoever did this is in some serious tsuris.”
Hizbollah were unavailable for comment but it is understood that they are already busy installing the home entertainment systems they received from the ayatollah last week.
05th Nov 2009
Pierre Lellouche, a French person, has asked the British people to give him a good kicking in response to David Camerons promise to stop the EU from stealing the UK. Pierre Lellouche, which translates as ‘Peter the Shower-Dodger’, accused the British of being universally autistic, pathetic, sad and castrated before finishing his statement with “…and I would love it if the British came and give me a right good kicking.”
David Cameron and William Hague will promise to hold a referendum on which of the two MP’s will get to deliver the kicking and voters will be urged to pick the man who they believe will most enthusiastically hand out a royal standard beating to the French surrenderist.
William Hague is the bookies favourite after appearing on Sky News this morning to begin his campaign for the position of Chief French Beater. He said “And I call upon the British people to choose me to beat the little git. I’m from good northern stock so I know what it’s like to get drunk of a Friday night about the town and senselessly beat up another person. It’s the British way!” …more
04th Nov 2009
Having a history of saving the world from itself the US Government has been advised by senior military advisors to bring Democracy to the people of Britain. Chancellor Obama has been briefed on the plan which would see the United Kingdom as the first part of Federal Europe to be invaded.
The US has been appointed, by itself, to restore democracy to countries where terrorism is rife and has seen some successes in Iraq and Afghanistan. Iran had been intended to be the next target for liberty but its people have shown a willingness to revolt of their own accord, very unlike the British. The United Kingdom had once been a rich source of social empowerment but has since lost its will having become the fattest, laziest and illiterate country on Earth.
The US will initially target the west coast, likely landing in Wales and delivering a very American flavour of Freedom. England, and vitally London, will follow with Scotland to be left for Federal Europe to pay for …more
03rd Nov 2009
The Czechs have given the UK a green light to have a general election after signing away Europe-wide national sovereignty to an unelected supreme power known as the EU and preventing the British from being able to do anything about it. The Czechs were the last country to sign away their own right to absolute self-governance and will instead be merely a small council with limited ability to choose their own destiny. Europe as a continent will cease to exist on December 1st, Europe as a Monocracy will then begin.
The EU will now enforce their tyrannical will upon all member countries, usurp democracy by appointing a European President, piss in the face of every ‘EU Citizen’ by giving them a new national anthem, decide whether or not Great Britain goes to war on their behalf (having accepted advice that the French wouldn’t know their Aircraft carriers from their Bayonets) and will likely plunge Britain in to further economical desperation by snatching control of Europe-wide interest rates and pushing a number fit for Germany upon everyone else. …more
28th Oct 2009
Newcastle United FC were saved from further embarrassment last night when it was revealed all of the team notes from their Keegan-era matches were retrieved from the online backup they never knew they had. The revelation prompted Mike Ashley to take the club off the market amid rising expectations that Newcastle may return to the Premier League for another woeful season. The team notes retrieved from the online backup reveal Keegans tactics from some of the greatest matches in the clubs long and undistinguished history.
The online backup was initially thought to be a myth with club insiders saying that Keegan thought of everything, it was just that everyone else couldn’t think of everything when he left. “He was really in to all this technology, we all thought it was what those nancy southerners got up to but it seems he was right. Now we have all his notes so it’ll be like he was never gone now. Ashley is very happy” said the clubs Tea Lady …more
27th Oct 2009
Features multi-touch, exchange sync and support for various screen sizes. Nobody cares.
23rd Oct 2009
Councillors across Great Britain last night demanded that more new houses should be built almost everywhere to ensure they can capitalise on bribes. Evil council officials are keen to cash in on the end of the recession and expect many brown paper bags stuffed with cash to arrive on their desk as building firms push to start a new wave of new houses.
One council official told us “These have been hard times, the builders all got laid off and didn’t have the money to pay our usual bribes so we’ve had to make do with the thousands our mug voters pay us each year. I had been hoping to have made about ten million quid by now, but this recession has seen me crawl past the seven million mark. Mind you, it’s taken 3 years to get that, a long time in this game!” …more
22nd Oct 2009
Lay-about Postal workers have insisted to management that nothing less than regular corporate events will get them back to delivering the mail. Corporate events are seen as the best way for posties to do less work while on the job and have now become a higher priority than wage rises – as long as the booze is free.
Nigel Glover, a postal worker, said “You see all these suits going round in their flash cars to yet another corporate event and you wonder why you bother delivering his junk mail for him. If you think we’ve got envy issues you’d be right. We just want our fair share of the jollies!”
Royal Mail supremo, Adam Crozier is a regular at corporate events where he is often seen sipping expensive wine whilst pretend to be interested in new machines that could potentially revolutionise the mail system. Talking exclusively to Band of Slugs he said “Look, there are only so many invites that get sent out for these events and they are a very important part of our daily routine – you can’t just send in the rank and file! …more
21st Oct 2009
NASA wheeled out their long awaited new rocket, Ares I-X, yesterday that will eventually launch men people back to the moon and onwards to Mars. The first outing of the new toy was tainted when an eagle eyed Japanese youth spotted old engines, apparently from used Honda cars.
NASA immediatly pulled the Ares I-X rocket back in to its hanger and issued all staff to remain silent on the matter. A spokesman for NASA briefly gave a statement saying “Hello. I’m not allowed to say anything. Goodbye.”
Rumours that the rocket is powered by old cars can not be confirmed however Band of Slugs resident space expert told us “Well the Ares I-X all based on Saturn V technology, so actually used Honda engines are probably better than rocket technology from the sixties. I knew NASA were relatively hard-up but this takes the biscuit!”