21st Dec 2009
Buy the Campaign Single, or the Girl gets it!
Simon Cowell is said to be disappointed that a new person is now controlling the charts in what could be the only correct use of irony since American teenagers decided to invent a new definition for it. Unbelievably, the public have bought in to this latest chart fixing with apparently lemming-esque abandon proving that the British single buying public are among the stupidest people on Earth, a likely side-effect of listening to too much Radio 1 – or more specifically, Edith Bowman (who presently holds the title of ‘Single Worst Person since Hitler Award’).
“Can you believe the absolute stupidity of the 1.5 million 5 year olds who are buying this crap?” said Hugh Smith, a shopper we collared for comment. “The Rage Against the Mechanic, or whatever, is nearly out of copyright it’s so old. And that Geordie kid is in over his head anyway – he’ll be a raving junkie before the year is out.” Several sensible people, a rare breed in modern Britain, pondered the eye-watering irony of a campaign to stop the X Factor winner from getting the top spot. To combat a single from being bought by mindless telly-addicts they pick a CD that everyone simply must buy, in effect we need a campaign to stop the 456 year old Rage Against the Twats song from being forced in to the airwaves. It’s like asking the Mongols to defeat the Nazis. …more
15th Dec 2009
European Politician Announces Plan to Regulate Baby Names
The all conquering EU is to regulate baby names in a bid to harmonise a European identity for the next phase of it’s plan to remove cultural identity among it’s citizens. The plan will see British babies being given Spanish, German and French names and will eventually include a numbering system for surnames to assist an EU taxation system.
Baby names such as Jack and Mary will be banned and replaced with foreign equivalent such as Jaques and Mailiana, any body across Europe using a predominantly British name will have their baby taken away and put in to a new care system being set up in Romania. The care system will include a correction facility to ensure the child does not demonstrate any British traits during its childhood. Once mature the newly conditioned EU citizen will be entered in to service of the EU as bureaucrats and thought police.
Labour are expected to fast-track the Baby Name Bill through parliament before the next election to guarantee it is not opposed by the wrong-thinking opposition parties who believe that removing a parents right to choose their own baby name should not be removed from them. Labour have issued a statement that said “We believe this is the right thing to do, to harmonise a European-wide cultural identity and foster a new age of togetherness must be at the forefront of our agenda. Clearly, anyone who does not support this must be removed from society for the good of all people. Baby names are not to be offered out to just anyone and responsibility needs to be taken. These are the tough decisions that we have to make.”
14th Dec 2009
Francis Bacon may have shat up to 24,000 times.
Representatives for poor countries in Copenhagen are set to unveil an ambitious plan to completely fleece rich countries by playing the climate change card and guilting western leaders in to stumping up £30 billion that they say will help them combat the death of the planet. Western nations had already offered £6 billion but were quickly told that if they only gave that much the poor countries would have to set fire to all their trees and leave the car running overnight.
A statement from the Poor and Small Island Nations Alliance said “You lot think that people are causing this when we know that it is actually the God ‘Seethreeppeo’ who, with his mate that looks like a kitchen bin, eat lots of curry and fart huge amounts of hot air in to the atmosphere. You can’t stop them or they’ll get angry and smite us all. Instead we want loads of money because you’re all a bunch of gullible pricks who will actually shaft your people to ensure you get to look smug and can hob-knob with the likes of Geldof, Chris Martin, various hippies and Bono.”
Because western nations are all so preoccupied with philantropy it is likely that they will offer the requested money but they will need to invent at least another 3 taxes to cover the cost. …more
10th Dec 2009
Here's our World Affairs editor, he can drink his weight in Brandy and make it home without pissing himself.
This is the 100th post on Band of Slugs, the factual news site that literally bleeds honesty and integrity. What are doing to mark this milestone of truth and well-informed opinion? Nothing, we’re to busy being enormously honourable in our reporting. It takes a lot to be this clean in citizen journalism, a world of cut throat competition, it’s a labour of love that we undertake here to bring you a shining beacon of enlightened thought in a sea of utter bollocks. A duty to which we are bound by loyalty to our readership, a task that will never be completed so long as there are filth peddlers like the Independent out there.
07th Dec 2009
Tough on Farts, Tough on the causes of Farts!
Leading Suits from around the world are meeting in Copenhagen today in a fresh round of discussions that aim to create ever more ridiculous taxes based around an assumption that we’re all killing the Planet. Despite human activity accounting for less than 3% of carbon emissions the suits aim to guilt us all in to coughing up more money to pay for their pensions and jumped up jobs that appear only to make things worse for everyone.
Gordon Brown, the worlds foremost expert in Bullshit, is expected to announce a new tax on farting to counter human methane output. There will also be new taxes on anybody eating beef products to pay for Cow trumps, and don’t even think about bacon and sausage for breakfast – a new ‘Full English’ tax could raise the price of the nations favourite breakfast meal to an average of £25.99 – except in Happy Chef, where the meat content of their plates is close to zero.
The BBC are expected to play their part by ensuring the public are well and truly hoodwinked in to believing that a rise in carbon emissions leads to global warming and not, as science dictates, the other way around. Experts, who are risking their lives …more
30th Nov 2009
"Give me a Franco/German Alliance over the English anyday!"
The SNP today outlined their ambitious plan to split the British union and to declare the EU as the new rulers of Scotland. In a chapter entitled “Our Ego Knows No Bounds” the SNP delivered a damning verdict on the Scottish people who run the historic union from Westminster in London and proposed that a Franco/German alliance might be better at running the show from their castle in Belgium.
Some Scots, who may have taken ‘Braveheart’ too seriously, are pleased that the SNP are driving through an agenda of change in the powers that control Scotland. Alistair McTavish, a Scottish person, said “Och aye, I cannee be bothahed aboot those english bastarts who kem here tee treat oor wimmen leek shite, d’yee knaa. Aye, Scotland tee the arseholes in Europe – it cannee be any wurse nee can it?”
English people are largely pleased with the plans, but are worried that they’ll still end up paying for the Scots through their bloated European bill. English groups have been set up to ask why they pay so much money to Scotland and why there are so many Scots running the show in London. Peter Smith, head of the ‘Where is all our Tax Money going?’ said “We are tantalisingly close to the answers. We are run by a load of sweaties, and we give a lot of money to them – the answer is on the tip of my tongue. Meanwhile, we have been wondering why the hell it’s the jocks who want a referendum on independence – why can’t the English have their say?”
Scotland are unlikely to get a vote on indepence as the SNP is in a minority, despite being in charge of things up there, and the other parties are aware that the country is effectively laughing all the way to the RBS, on English bail-out money, so long as they remain in the Union.
26th Nov 2009
Away an' jobbie ye'sells!
Susan Boyle has asked several celebrity friends for their recommendations for a decent Osteopath after it emerged that scenes of her crying were from chronic back pain and not the pressures of fame as originally thought. The singing sensation, who rose to fame on Britain’s Got Talent, had been thought to be suffering from the constant pressures of fame and an easy life. However Band of Slugs can exclusively reveal that the singer simply needs a good Osteopath to sort her out.
Celebrity gossip magazines had filled their pages with talk of SuBo cracking under the weight of attention as she impressed the crowds in New York. Pictures filled the tabloids with speculation that earning a living by just singing a couple of songs must have been a fierce struggle for the Scottish lady. A spokesman for the Boyle said “Och, nay laddie! She’s nay bothered by the fame or the loot. She’s just got a hurtie back, don’t worry yersell’s.”
25th Nov 2009
A Labour Politician. Rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Tragedy on Fleet Street this morning when the staff of the Daily Mirror all died of boring – a rare affliction where a group of people lose the will to live when they become too dull. The illness may have been compounded by a further affliction that had gripped the office – it has emerged that they all suffered with being too pro-labour. Early indications suggest they were all so pro-labour they began to run delusional headlines suggesting that the Tories are in it for the money. Well, duh…
While this is almost universally accepted as fact, the Mirror went as far as to suggest that Labour were not in power for the single purpose of getting big, fat and rich beyond their wildest dreams. A subtext in the paper promoting Labours vision of a fairer society, equality, yada yada yada gushed from their front page in a piece many are comparing to communist propaganda worthy of North Korea.
Books of condolences have been opened up in high streets around the country but they remain empty as people are still reeling from the epic hypocrisy that poured today’s frontpage. In short, nobody cares.
25th Nov 2009
John and Edward Compete for Dominance
John and Edward Grimes were said to be at each others throats last night over which of them sleeps with Jordan first. The irritating pair are clear favourites to be Jordan’s next conquest but are said to be fighting like cage fighters to be first in with the glamour model. David Attenborough has expressed his desire to film the rare mating ritual, but ITV have denied the leading figure in animal couplings access.
Rumours in various celebrity forums suggest that Jordan would not worry which of the high-barnetted brothers gets the gig as they are pretty much exactly the same. Nobody is even sure which of the brothers will come out on top as it is not fully understood which one is John and which is Edward. According to past girlfriends, of which there are 2, neither of the boys are blessed with anything approaching a normal penis.
The twins are currently locked in battle in a hotel room in London. The manager for the hotel, which we can’t name in case somebody tries to stop them killing each other, said “They’re trashing the room but ITV have assured me that they’ll pay handsomely for all the damage so long as I hand over the CCTV footage. Something about a new show called ‘Jedwapocalypse’ I think.”
Jordan will select the dominant male when the Irish mating ritual is completed. Meanwhile, the public live in fear of Jedward/Jordan offspring completely dominating Television and Celebrity magazines in a few years time.
23rd Nov 2009
John and Edward are out. Release the Tanks!
Britain is living in the grip of fear after John and Edward Grimes were released from the X Factor at the weekend. Jedward are now expected to be seen far more frequently on television shows now that they are no longer confined to quarantine which has led to wide spread panicking among the public.
The villagers of Shipton Bellinger, Wilts, have gone as far as to dismantle the Television aeriel and demolish incoming roads to prevent exposure to the Irish twins. One prominent resident told Band of Slugs “We aren’t taking any chances here, the children need to be protected from this evil. We are writing to the Government to provide aid and we have issued Simon Cowell with an ASBO for his role in creating this atrocity.”
ITV are expected to unleash the fantasist pair with a packed appearance schedule, taking in their daytime shows as well as a role in Coronation Street where the boys are expected to approximate a song and dance routine in the knicker factory.
Public order groups have requested the army are returned from overseas operations to patrol the streets with orders to shoot the twins on site if they are seen to be communicating in any way with scared Britons. …more