22nd Jan 2010
David Bowie hides in a corner and awaits Jedward's inevitable drug addiction
Legendary musician, David Bowie, is said to be maniacal after the news that Sony BMG have signed the world’s worst ‘musical’ duo since Milli Vanilli – the universally hated Jedward. Bowie, upon hearing of Jedward’s plans to release a version of the classic Bowie/Queen song ‘Under Pressure’, allegadly flew in to a rage and threw a lollipop at a group of passing Swedish tourists in a busy New York street. Friends of the iconic superstar said he remained in an unstable condition and fears remain that he could turn on visiting Irish people. One friend said “As far as Dave is concerned, the Irish are guilty by association”.
Sony have produced the equivalent of farting in the face of the entire planet by signing the talentless, obnoxious, simple and possibly inbred Irish twins and will market the hated pair to toddlers and American teenagers who have a mis-guided interpretation of irony. Simon Cowell, who had the chance to kill any interest in the hapless wasters, will feature the boys heavily in his forthcoming ‘charity’ single – a move which is sure to fire Bowie’s blood pressure through the roof. …more
21st Jan 2010
Morgan Heinrichson has fully recovered
Official F1 Merchandise for 2010 might include a new range of replica fire proof clothing as worn by the world’s most famous drivers. Highlights of the proposed new range include anti-skid underpants and fireproof gloves. Designers are hard at work with new proposals that could see the F1 Merchandise range feature utilitarian clothing that solves the problems of everyday life.
Anti-skid pants are the brainchild of chief designer, Morgan Hienrichson, who recently told how he fell off his bicycle and wore a hole through his trousers and underpants on the tarmac. This led him to think that an anti-skid pant, as worn by F1 drivers, could see popular use in the lives of the public. Mr Hienrischson also told how the office tea boy complained of burning holes in the fingers of his gloves when smoking a cigarette while outdoors. The solution had already been developed in the form of fireproof gloves, popular among F1 drivers and technicians. By including these in the range of F1 merchandise Heinrichson believes many of lifes littles problems can be resolved with new additions to the range of fan products.
F1 Merchandise has always been popular among the sports legions of fans around the world and it regularly features off-the-wall products that go on to sell thousands. …more
21st Jan 2010
Cowell Expects to make millions out of the Haiti Disaster
Simon Cowell has vowed to restore flagging careers and make millions in profit by fast tracking a ‘charity’ single for the Haiti Relief fund. The pop guru is in contact with many failing and under-exposed pop stars to record an awful version of a terrible song and so far Cheryl Cole is the only confirmed desperado to become involved, but the list is potentially endless.
Will Young, Rick Waller, Shane Ward and Jedward are expected to take part with their fee’s being the only stumbling block. Waller had been tipped off that Ward could receive up to £35 for his inclusion in the money-spinner and it is said he became enraged and threatened to pull out of rehearsals unless his fee was raised to at least £30. Cowell himself is rumoured to be taking a cut of the profits, approximately 70%, which would mean the most that could be donated to Haiti relief wouldn’t exceed 0.2% of profits.
Simon Cowell has already instructed the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to waive VAT on the single to maximise profits which should mean that Simon Cowells dentist will finally get paid off for all that dazzling work he has done.
Cowells teeth became the subject of environmental outrage last week when it was speculated that 3% of all carbon emissions globally …more
19th Jan 2010
The All New Kraft Dairy Milk, which is actually just fake cheese.
New Cadbury owner, Kraft, are to re-launch Dairy Milk as yellow, rubbery, cheese-esque product that can supplement burgers or sandwiches. The new product will lose the designation of actually being chocolate and cannot qualify as cheese either, but this is “a good thing” according to a rotund American who speaks on behalf of The Benevolent and Peaceful Empire of Kraft. Randy Hopkirk, Imperial Spokesman, said “Imagine a world where chocolate is neither chocolate nor cheese! Can you imagine such a place? Well we can – and we think you’re gonna like it a whole lot. We’re gonna go ahead and make your treasured chocolate a cheese-flavored rubbery burger supplement and we know you’ll love it as much as we do!”
Great spin from the Empire but Britons are less enthusiastic. Tom Pretty, a Carol Kirkwood fancier, said “If I wanted crap cheese to put in my burger I wouldn’t buy a chocolate bar! I’m so angry right now I could… I could… oh, hang on… Carol’s giving the weather, ain’t she so hot! Cadbury’s? Whatever, mate.”
A pending amendment to the Wikipedia entry for Cadbury reads “Cadbury ceased trading in 2010 after pulling their pants down for a good shafting by the yanks. They justified this corporate sodomy by proudly displaying the final amount each board member was likely to receive – a staggering £35,562,946 each. The sell-out resulted in the highest single day unemployment rise in the UK history as well the least successful product boycott since Britons got mildly annoyed with Esso.”
A banner reading “Long Live the Empire” has been raised from Cadbury HQ in Bournville. The village is expected to be renamed Kraft-Cheese-is-good-you-ville by next week.
11th Jan 2010
I think that the NHS would work great in a country whose population is not more than 40 million
Private Health Insurance in the UK is now a better alternative for your health and well-being than the NHS following rumoured plans to make it increasingly difficult to receive adequate treatment for many ailments and serious health issues. There is mounting evidence that the Government will instruct the NHS to prevent Gastric Band surgery for all but the most severe cases with an limit set at 60 BMI for patients to be considered for the controversial treatment.
Private Health Insurance companies are keen to make the public aware of the alternatives to constantly shifting restrictions in treatment including procedures and drugs. With NHS spending to be pushed further in to the spotlight, given the present economic climate, it is left for the British public to consider private options for the health needs of themselves and their family.
While many will ask how effective an instant treatment for an arguably self-induced medical problem, such as obesity, should not be funded by the NHS without the patient first considering radical changes in lifestyle it remains an ethical quandary that the gastric bands work and could potentially save the NHS money in the long term. Experts agree that the so-called ‘fat-band’ could pay for itself within 3 years. The argument pushes in to smoking and drinking with drugs being ruled out in an attempt to ‘cure’ the patient of their addictions instantly. …more
07th Jan 2010
The evil Looking Ady Gil is now in the hands of unhygienic terrorists
Japan has finally shown some balls and laid the smack down on a group of anti-whaling irritants who somehow managed to steal a boat from Area 51. The Sea Shepherd Conservation Society have been annoying Japanese whalers for bloody ages and, as expected, the Japanese have lost it and smashed the hippies boat in two.
The boat holds the record for fastest circumnavigation of the planet as well as the record for being the most polluting boat ever made. The crew had been engaged in childish pranks against Japanese whalers for some time, throwing stink bombs at boats which contain enough toxins to kill an Orca and shining a laser pen at crew. Such is the ferocity of their pranks that it was only a matter of time before the Japanese steered their ship in to the trimaran and taught the unwashed antagonists a good lesson. That they did, and the Ady Gil has been split in two.
Unfortunately the activists on board the Ady Gil have been rescued and it is not known if the funny looking boat can be salvaged. Meanwhile the Japanese can finally get on with their jobs and without annoying obstructions from hippies they are confident they can eliminate Whales from Earths seas within 10 months. Good work Japan!
06th Jan 2010
Captain Kirk will use any means to stop the Nexus!
The new Google Nexus One Phone, announced yesterday, is to include a free app to warp space and time and bring about certain destruction to the universe. Previously, Google used the phone in Beta to affect matters in the 24th century and was only stopped when Captain Picard, a dead ringer for Patrick Stewart, urged Kirk to assist him in preventing Google from destroying the galaxy. The two captains succeeded but Google now operates in our time and with no Kirk or Picard to save our souls the UN has called for the international science community to find a way of bringing Kirk and/or Picard in to our time to save the day once more.
Google are already thought to be in league with the devil having been found to monitor everybody’s emails, search patterns and browsing history for their own evil gains but this new plan will surprise even the Borg – who themselves have attempted to travel back in time to kill everyone. A Google spokesman said “We are aware of the Borg effort to travel in to the past and kill everything, but their mistake was not to travel back far enough. We came back to the 1990′s and began our operation then so we’re pretty sure Kirk won’t be saving the day this time. Picard has a bit more scruples about him so he could be a threat but I think we’re prepared. We’ll destroy France first and he’ll never have been born. Job’s a good ‘un, eh?!” …more
05th Jan 2010
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero is a myth, Mr Bean is running Spain
As unexpected, the Spanish Prime Minister is actually Mr Bean. Speculation has been rife over the last few weeks regarding the true identity of the Spanish PM with many tipping him to be Louis Walsh, the Duke of Edinburgh or even Noel Edmunds but the truth is sure to come as a surprise to millions of Spaniards that he is in fact a bumbling half wit and not just a figment of the nations collective imaginations as thought.
Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero has been largely responsible for the biggest drop in employment in Spain since a particularly nasty strain of Flu broke out early in the 20th century and decimated the population. Spain’s unemployment, running at 19%, is enough to drive the country to communism but with the reality of Zapateros identity now in the public domain the population are more likely to laugh themselves out of a revolution.
The EU stepped in to confirm the revelation and insisted the Mr Bean is the right man for the job as Spain laughably takes the EU presidency for six months. During their term in the presidency Spain is likely to loot EU coffers and bail themselves out which could mean consequences from France as they look to pilfer as much revenue as possible from the monocracy.
Rowan Atkinson, formerly thought to have been Mr Bean, is said to be glad he will no longer face the stigma of resembling the laughably stupid Bean but said “Now I just have to put up with the mickey taking I’m going to get for looking like Spain’s prime minister. Nobody should have to face that when they’re in the checkout line in Tesco.”
04th Jan 2010
Michael O'Leary shows how much he cares
Over-priced budget airline boss, Michael O’Leary, has been branded ‘puerile’ and ‘childish’ by the office of fair trading. The news was met with shock from many consumer groups who said the OFT didn’t go far enough with their name-calling and urged a stronger stance with ‘money-pinching wankers’ and ‘con artists of the first order’ preferred to the soft, cuddly terms used originally.
Consumer group Anti-Ryanair Society of England, or ARSE, issued a statement shortly after the OFT had timidly told off the budget(ish) airline saying “Those thieves just take the piss! A government office with the OFTs influence should really be using stronger language. We urge the OFT to re-write their mild ticking off and replace ‘childish’ with ‘criminally taking the absolute piss’ and ‘puerile’ with ‘filth-ridden twats who should be strung up in London somewhere so people can throw their own crap at them’. We feel that would be a better start. And for the record, Michael O’Leary is an ugly little prick and I hope an engine falls off one of his crappy little planes and lands squarely on his head.” …more
22nd Dec 2009
The SNP arrive in Court
Simon Cowell’s production company, Syco, is in line to head up the live politcal TV debates that will be aired next year featuring the three major political parties and possibly the vast girls blouse that is the SNP if their legal challenge to feature in the show is successful. Simon Cowell will likely be on the judging panel which could include Nick Griffen, Tony Benn and Joanna Lumley.
The three debates will take on a typical talent show format with the public voting off who they believe are the weakest with the winner to receive the keys to number 10. Nick Clegg, already second favourite to be booted off the show, said “Do you know how many women I have slept with? No?! It’s a lot, I can tell you. I also like to dress up as David Bowie and engage in heavy drinking sessions at parties. Invite me to yours! You won’t regret it.” When asked if he thought his Liberal Party could make in-roads with the live television debates he said “Well, not really. We’re the same party that thinks the Guardian is a text-book of popular social thought and opinion. We will effectively ban you from cars, pubs, Morrisons and eating pies. Seriously, would you vote for that?” …more