11th Feb 2010
How Greece might look under German ownership
Debt-ridden Greece has been put up for auction for a few Euros and Germany is expected to purchase the country and re-brand it as a health resort for aging Germans. Greece has been spending far more money that it earns which, as any school boy will tell you, eventually leads to an attempt to fake your own death. Since Greece can’t actually do that it will have to sell itself to the highest bidder.
The auction will go ahead today in Brussels where France and Germany are expected to compete against other EU countries for the deeds to the mediterranean state with Germany the favourites to walk away with the prize. The down side to the purchase will, of course, be the €250 billion in debt.
Germans are largely pleased with the news that they may find themselves with more land. Hanz Gerbeinschmit, of Herford, said “Ja, ich think zis ist gut. Ve can now go to Greece und have a sexy party mit uzer Germans. Ich suppose zat it vood not be too pleasant if zee Englanders vere allowed in to das neu German state. Nine, ich do not wanten zee Englanders zer at all.” …more
09th Feb 2010
Totally still together!
Apparently, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not going to break up. Housewives everywhere slightly raise an eyebrow.
09th Feb 2010
Southend United Players warm up for their big failure last night
Amazing scenes in Colchester last night as it was revealed that Southend United players cannot even kick a slow moving football. The incident was greeted with a mixture of shock and awe at the complete inability for defender Adam Barrett to perform the simplest of footballing tasks, connecting a foot with a ball, to prevent a slow and utterly forgiving shot from crossing the line for Colchester United’s first goal. Fans behind the goal seemed unable to believe what they had seen, some cheered because the net wobbled slightly, some looked around to see what everyone else thought while a few merely carried on rubbing their hands and trying desperately to keep warm.
Southend are expected to withdraw from all Football tournaments in the wake of their pathetic display while the town itself will begin to demolish Roots Hall and use the space to create a new Chess Club. Local resident David Westaway said “I like the idea of a Chess Club. I have a season ticket for Southend United but it’s pretty worthless now. I’ve been trading on beating Manchester United in the League Cup for a couple of years now and all that got wiped out last night when we all realised we can’t play football. Yep, Chess seems like a very good idea right now.” …more
08th Feb 2010
An artists impression of the Chumba-Bonger that was killed on I'm a Celebrity
Australia is mourning a Rat today following a courts decision to fine ITV over an Italian and a Z-Lister, who’s names escape us, killed it after being starved on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. The whole country has expressed it’s unbridled grief at the torture and subsequent cooking of the Rat and has vowed never to allow another Rat to die ever again. New taxes will be introduced to gather enough funds to protect the creatures and the over-sensitive nation is tipped to feature a picture of the rat on it’s bank notes to remind Australians how wonderful and cute the disease ridden rodents are.
ITV accepted the ruling and payed $3000 Australian dollars, about £1.29 or a Double Cheeseburger at McDonald’s, and agreed never to allow another Rat to be killed in any of it’s productions in Australia if it ever decides to go there again. An ITV spokesman said “Bloody hell, can you believe those lot? I mean, it was a sodding Rat for God’s sake – get some perspective! We were killing animals left, right and centre to feed the contestants testicles, tongues, brains – you name it! A Rat. I mean, really think about it for a minute and ask yourself who gives a toss about a bleedin’ Rat? Nobody, that’s who. Australians, can’t live with them. Period.”
Bruce McSheila, an Australian, said “G’day cobber! Y’know we don’t like you poms killing our Rats, or Chumba-bongers as we call ‘em. I was so mad about it I beat my children for a whole hour. I took my climper-tonga and whooped ‘em up. Poms, don’t kill our Chumba-bongers, mate!” …more
08th Feb 2010
Charlotte Church would make a terrible Secretary
England are too busy with promiscuity to concern themselves with sporting events involving themselves and Wales it has been revealed. In the last few days England have been drawn against the Welsh in the qualifying rounds for the 2012 European cup and have beaten the Welsh at what the valley-dwellers consider to be their best sport – short of gurning.
Having trained for a maximum of 20 minutes for the Twickenham spectacle on Saturday, England went on to indulge in heavy flirting and some bottom slapping in a busy London pub before casually turning up to beat Wales 30-odd to something or other. The gaffer, MJ, said after the game “Yeah, I think it was the Nags Head or something, in Covent Garden, we was all in there and these lasses turned up so we thought we’d all cheat on our wives before the match like. I was perfectly happy for the boys to do that as I had every confidence they’d beat Wales.”
Meanwhile, Fabio Capello has re-iterated his commitment to juicier scandal surrounding the English football team by announcing that any time training for the Wales game will be spent hiring new Secretaries instead with the whole team getting involved in the selection process. John Terry, a world class fornicator, will lead the interviews and Fabio Capello will import some very attractive ladies from Italy for the try-outs. …more
05th Feb 2010
Even the Stuffed Toy has lost the will to live
Millions of Britons have been waking up this week to the sound of rich people being throttled and ’singing’, without a hint of irony, about everybody hurting. These stars, who want for nothing and have staff to deal with any problem, are raining depression upon the British with their whiny, strangle-esque rendition of a very miserable track. The song is so miserable that the suicide rate in the UK has rocketed prompting many to ask “Why is this happening?”
Heart FM have added the song to their play-lists bringing the maximum number of songs you can hear in a 24 hour period on the commercial stations to 3 on continuous loop. In between broadcasts of a song about New York you can hear what can only be described as a woman being throttled and likely beaten – Simon Cowell calls this a charity single. Worse still the original is from the least happy band ever assembled – REM. The American depression-junkies are likely wetting themselves at the level of unhappiness spreading across Britain.
A campaign to ban the song, anybody involved and REM from the UK is preparing to launch a very miserable attack on Radio stations across the country. One organiser said “Well, I don’t really care about anything anymore but if I did I’d probably want everything to do with that charity single killed. …more
03rd Feb 2010
Fabio Capello is not a man you want to annoy.
Fabio Capello will consider his methods for punishing John Terry today. It is widely expected that the Godfather of English football will choose a Gangland style execution but this would require the Queen to step in and prevent Fabio Capello from being prosecuted for murder. Execution style will leave less evidence and could not be traced back to the England manager and this form of punishment is most likely.
John Terry will learn his fate today and it is thought that Wayne Bridge has volunteered his services following a crash course in assassination, theory and practice. Bridge, a former friend of Terry, said “I’ve just completed degrees in both Assassination Theory and Effective Assassination Practices so I’m well prepared should the Gaffer call me up. I’ve got a lot to offer now, I’ve improved my aim, my form looks good and I firmly believe that I’m now unplayable.” When asked to clarify what ‘unplayable’ is supposed to mean Bridge said “I dunno, managers say it a lot on Match of the Day so I guess it’s good, right?”
Capello is rumoured to have requested immunity from prosecution by writing to the Queen, who he mistakenly believes can let him off any hook he manages to wind up on. A source close to Capello said “ee no like-a da Terry. Ee’s a biga fana of tha, how yo say, monogamio – where you are only sleeping with the one girl. Ee no like-a da Birlesconi, ee think maybe that ee ‘as had a bad impressionano on John Terry – maybe Mister Terry thinka it’s okay to sleep with anything in a skirt-a?”
John Terry is likely to be shot at aproximatley 1500hrs today.
02nd Feb 2010
Get excited about China, the US has chucked in the towel
Chancellor Obama declared inspiration and aspiration things of the past yesterday by scrapping NASA’s Constellation programme – a re-badged Apollo using 50 year old technology. It throws in to doubt the ability for the United States to send humans in to space as the Space Shuttle has also been cancelled. Constellation was to involve two rocket types, a small, light variant called Ares I which would take small loads and humans in to orbit and a heavy lifter called Ares V which could carry bigger loads and components for a Spacecraft to be built in orbit. The US will now have to pay Russia to re-supply the International Space Station and lift satellites and probes in to orbit.
Chancellor Obama delivered an optimistic speech detailing the full extent of removing any point in actually having a space program while at the same time calling the moves ‘bold’, ‘visionary’ and ‘totally the right thing to do’. Children across the world will now have to seek inspiration from Ben 10 or a cocktail of drink and drugs as there will be no more awe-inspiring adventures from NASA for the foreseeable future.
Critics of the cutbacks blame everything from sub-prime mortgages to the car industries inability to make a cheap, affordable and above all reliable flying car. …more
22nd Jan 2010
Dame Edna Everage, sans Contact Lenses
The world was left open mouthed in shock last night as Dame Edna announced she will consider contact lenses ahead of her usual flamboyant specs. The queen of Panto/good clean comedy is famous for sporting ever more eccentric glasses and audiences have been left slightly confused at the vision of Dame Edna in contact lenses.
Friends of the popular star have stated that she has considered contact lenses for some time and feels the mood is right to make the change citing the growing weight of amusing spectacles leads to mild irritation on the bridge of her nose. Doctors have recommended she make the change as it will be the only way for her nose to heal following decades of spectacle abuse.
Dame Edna will be appearing in Britain again for the festive panto season at the end of the year and the public are expected to get their first look at the new Dame Edna, complete with contact lenses!
22nd Jan 2010
David Bowie hides in a corner and awaits Jedward's inevitable drug addiction
Legendary musician, David Bowie, is said to be maniacal after the news that Sony BMG have signed the world’s worst ‘musical’ duo since Milli Vanilli – the universally hated Jedward. Bowie, upon hearing of Jedward’s plans to release a version of the classic Bowie/Queen song ‘Under Pressure’, allegadly flew in to a rage and threw a lollipop at a group of passing Swedish tourists in a busy New York street. Friends of the iconic superstar said he remained in an unstable condition and fears remain that he could turn on visiting Irish people. One friend said “As far as Dave is concerned, the Irish are guilty by association”.
Sony have produced the equivalent of farting in the face of the entire planet by signing the talentless, obnoxious, simple and possibly inbred Irish twins and will market the hated pair to toddlers and American teenagers who have a mis-guided interpretation of irony. Simon Cowell, who had the chance to kill any interest in the hapless wasters, will feature the boys heavily in his forthcoming ‘charity’ single – a move which is sure to fire Bowie’s blood pressure through the roof. …more