15th Sep 2009
I’d like to tell you that I’m going to stop smoking. But the truth is I can’t.
Why not? Because I don’t actually smoke. That is, of course, if you don’t count having a sly fag with a pint of that most popular of real ales – Stella Artois. I find the combination of subtle Belgian hops (brewed in the UK) and fragrant Virginia tobacco (packed in Bristol) is irresistible.
They are a match made in heaven, a pairing of unparalleled beauty, a combination that is hard to better; and a first class ticket to being six foot under, up in smoke.
Still, we carry on, don’t we? Just one more, for medicinal purposes, right? It doesn’t count if it’s with Stella Artois – because Stella Artois is made of hops, which are essentially a vegetables – and they prevent anything nasty happening, right? Yeah?
The Just This Once mentality is one that is hard to shake. We know it might lead to future discomfort, future pain. But we do it anyway. Because it’s Just This Once and I want it.
I’m going to apply this excuse to bank robbing; rob a bank and then give up the nasty habit. As soon as I’ve stashed a cool million, that is (in an offshore bank account if possible).
All this stop smoking propaganda is stressful; sure to cause health problems. I can’t take it anymore. It’s all just too much -
I need a fag. JUST THIS ONCE MIND YOU.
18th Aug 2009
A Dog has claimed that a man punched him in the face whilst he was in a Colchester pub. The dog, who is a resident of the Fox And Hounds pub, and sometimes tries to communicate with drunk people, claims the incident took place last night. …more
07th Aug 2009
The world famous daytime TV personality Sandi Toksvig has been sacked from her role playing her ‘Gluttenpeepe’ (a kind of annoying Danish pipe) in weasel folk band The Weatles. The news emerged last night after Brian, the band’s lead singer, gave a short interview to waiting reporters outside his weasel hole in Hampshire.
“We realised, when we were rehearsing recently, that Sandi took up too much space in recording studio.” The Weatles have been recording their latest album entitled Stuck In The Farmer’s Snare in a hole in an old tree.
“She’s always taken up a great deal of space, but when Bubbles was pushed out of the studio by Sandi’s massive bum, we knew things had to change.”
Bubbles, who is the band’s bass player, reportedly sprained one of his front legs in the alleged incident involving the Danish TV star. He uses his front leg to strum tunes such as I fell In Love With A Stoat (Why Oh Why?) as well as top 10 hits like Stealing A Sparrow’s Egg and lesser known songs like I’m A Wriggly Bastard.
Sandi has been linked with other weasel related accidents and is reportedly under surveillance by the RSPCA. She has been in 3 weasel folk bands in as many years, with commentators suggesting she’s been seducing individual members of each band in order to play her Gluttenpeepe to large, overawed audiences.
“She ticks all the boxes for a young weasel,” according to Gary, a small weasel from Basingstoke, and Weatles fan, “it’s no wonder she’s bedded half the weasels in the weasel folk band industry.”
27th Jul 2009
A shocking new report has concluded that most of us will die in the future. The study, which has taken over 5 years to report its findings, suggests that over 90 percent of people will die at some point in their lives.
The independent report was conducted by the Learning Institute For the End (L.I.F.E.). A spokesman for the institute said “The findings are really interesting. As part of the research we did a survey among 10,000 randomly chosen people. 84 percent thought they Would Probably Die At Some Point, while 10 percent thought they Would Live For Eternity. 6 percent ticked the Don’t Care box on the questionnaire.”
The report has been rubbished by the Department for Eternal And Triumphant Health (D.E.A.T.H). A spokeswoman for D.E.A.T.H. said the idea that we would all die was unacceptable. “What about my mortgage, that’s taken me ages to pay off, and what, those ***** say we’re just going to die?”
Since the findings were released, a white paper has been drawn up recommending that Death be abolished or at least reduced to a more manageable level. Councils suggested that council tax may have to be increased if everyone keeps on dying.
Philip Ackroyd, an office worker from Durham had grave concerns about the findings “It sounds like the government just trying s*** us up again – if I saw any of those ***** from L.I.F.E., I’d beat them to within an inch of their lives. We’re all going to die? I mean honestly, some people…”
23rd Jul 2009
With the wolves of recession loitering around most of our front doors, it’s perhaps time to consider getting an allotment. What? Yes, an allotment is a great idea because you can grow your own vegetables.
A simple idea, but one that could save you several pounds over a decade or so. But as well as the clear pecuniary advantage, you’ll also have the pleasure of coming home from a hard day digging at the allotment, and be able to casually toss a bunch earth-clad carrots on the kitchen table. There is surely no greater buzz than the knowledge that you’ve drawn life-giving produce from the ground.
Of course, the Rolls Royce of allotments would also contain a shed. In this shed you could easily contravene local bye laws by producing your own alcohol. Why not try making it from carrots? For some of us, the shedded allotment might provide a valuable escape from domestic strains, where troubles can be shared with fellow vegetable growers over a lovely mug of 60 percent proof carrot vodka.
Allotments are controlled by local councils, and are often in short supply. Just check your local council website, where further information can be unearthed. Tell them you’ll be growing potatoes, onions, runner beans – just don’t mention the carrot vodka.
20th Jul 2009
There’s only so many times you can joke “I’ll just put your number in my iphone 3,” when you actually own a phone that looks like it was designed in 1988. 
The pressure is on though. It isn’t funny to own a phone that says you have 1 voicemail, when in reality you have 23. A blue back light doesn’t impress anyone. Having a crap phone just causes social problems. It malfunctions so much that you can’t organise any social occasions anyway.
When that moment of clarity hits the Crap Phone Owner, they might realise how much promiscuous sex has been lost over the years. How many prospective lays have been about to ‘hand the deeds over’, when they clap eyes on your Motorola M2497 (which offers cutting edge SMS technology)? The lust suddenly evaporates from their eyes. Disgusted about their near miss with the technologically disadvantaged, they turn tail and run. The jilted Crap Phone Owner looks down dejectedly at their telecommunications monstrosity, which ominously reads “no new messages”, filthy blue light illuminating the CPO’s face.
How many job interviews have been within reach, when your mum rings at the vital moment, and you have to bring out your archaic back lit horror?
Don’t call us – we’ll call you.
If your phone works.
The message here is simple. Your phone is as important as a shiny pair of shoes or a push-up bra when it comes impressing people.
Choose Life. Choose a decent phone.