Band of Slugs

Southend Incapable of Kicking a Ball

Southend United Players warm up for their big failure last night

Amazing scenes in Colchester last night as it was revealed that Southend United players cannot even kick a slow moving football.  The incident was greeted with a mixture of shock and awe at the complete inability for defender Adam Barrett to perform the simplest of footballing tasks, connecting a foot with a ball, to prevent a slow and utterly forgiving shot from crossing the line for Colchester United’s first goal.  Fans behind the goal seemed unable to believe what they had seen, some cheered because the net wobbled slightly, some looked around to see what everyone else thought while a few merely carried on rubbing their hands and trying desperately to keep warm.

Southend are expected to withdraw from all Football tournaments in the wake of their pathetic display while the town itself will begin to demolish Roots Hall and use the space to create a new Chess Club.  Local resident David Westaway said “I like the idea of a Chess Club.  I have a season ticket for Southend United but it’s pretty worthless now.  I’ve been trading on beating Manchester United in the League Cup for a couple of years now and all that got wiped out last night when we all realised we can’t play football.  Yep, Chess seems like a very good idea right now.”

Colchester United spokesman, Terrence Ball, said “It’s a shame that Southend had to demonstrate a complete lack of talent at our ground, we were hoping for a good game of Football in the classic sense, we even made the pitch resemble a swamp for that vintage 70′s feel.  It didn’t work and they were rubbish.  That said, Chess could be really good for them and we wish the town all the best for their non-football endeavours.”