Band of Slugs

Australia Upset That Rat Died

An artists impression of the Chumba-Bonger that was killed on I'm a Celebrity

Australia is mourning a Rat today following a courts decision to fine ITV over an Italian and a Z-Lister, who’s names escape us, killed it after being starved on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.  The whole country has expressed it’s unbridled grief at the torture and subsequent cooking of the Rat and has vowed never to allow another Rat to die ever again.  New taxes will be introduced to gather enough funds to protect the creatures and the over-sensitive nation is tipped to feature a picture of the rat on it’s bank notes to remind Australians how wonderful and cute the disease ridden rodents are.

ITV accepted the ruling and payed $3000 Australian dollars, about £1.29 or a Double Cheeseburger at McDonald’s, and agreed never to allow another Rat to be killed in any of it’s productions in Australia if it ever decides to go there again.  An ITV spokesman said “Bloody hell, can you believe those lot?  I mean, it was a sodding Rat for God’s sake – get some perspective!  We were killing animals left, right and centre to feed the contestants testicles, tongues, brains – you name it!  A Rat.  I mean, really think about it for a minute and ask yourself who gives a toss about a bleedin’ Rat?  Nobody, that’s who.  Australians, can’t live with them.  Period.”

Bruce McSheila, an Australian, said “G’day cobber!  Y’know we don’t like you poms killing our Rats, or Chumba-bongers as we call ‘em.  I was so mad about it I beat my children for a whole hour.  I took my climper-tonga and whooped ‘em up.  Poms, don’t kill our Chumba-bongers, mate!”

Ant and Dec will likely take the right royal piss out of the Australians on the next series of I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here!  ITV are rumoured to be writing in an Australian in to Coronation Street.  The character, who might be called Sky Liberty-Earth-Friend or something, will be killed when he walks in to an oncoming bus to save a ‘Chumba-bonger’.