Band of Slugs

Charity Single Means Misery for Breakfast

Even the Stuffed Toy has lost the will to live

Millions of Britons have been waking up this week to the sound of rich people being throttled and ‘singing’, without a hint of irony, about everybody hurting.  These stars, who want for nothing and have staff to deal with any problem, are raining depression upon the British with their whiny, strangle-esque rendition of a very miserable track.  The song is so miserable that the suicide rate in the UK has rocketed prompting many to ask “Why is this happening?”

Heart FM have added the song to their play-lists bringing the maximum number of songs you can hear in a 24 hour period on the commercial stations to 3 on continuous loop.  In between broadcasts of a song about New York you can hear what can only be described as a woman being throttled and likely beaten – Simon Cowell calls this a charity single.  Worse still the original is from the least happy band ever assembled – REM.  The American depression-junkies are likely wetting themselves at the level of unhappiness spreading across Britain.

A campaign to ban the song, anybody involved and REM from the UK is preparing to launch a very miserable attack on Radio stations across the country.  One organiser said “Well, I don’t really care about anything anymore but if I did I’d probably want everything to do with that charity single killed. That’s fair, right?  Otherwise I’m going to throw myself off a bridge and it will be on Simon Cowell’s head.  But then again nobody bloody cares anyway.”

Such is the wave of unhappiness, depression and apathy that not a single penny has been donated to Haiti since the singles release.  Incredibly the single has effectively killed enthusiasm for the very appeal it is trying to support.  Perhaps they should have got Peter Kay involved instead?