Band of Slugs

Chancellor Obama Crushes Hope & Dreams of Millions

Get excited about China, the US has chucked in the towel

Chancellor Obama declared inspiration and aspiration things of the past yesterday by scrapping NASA’s Constellation programme – a re-badged Apollo using 50 year old technology.  It throws in to doubt the ability for the United States to send humans in to space as the Space Shuttle has also been cancelled.  Constellation was to involve two rocket types, a small, light variant called Ares I which would take small loads and humans in to orbit and a heavy lifter called Ares V which could carry bigger loads and components for a Spacecraft to be built in orbit.  The US will now have to pay Russia to re-supply the International Space Station and lift satellites and probes in to orbit.

Chancellor Obama delivered an optimistic speech detailing the full extent of removing any point in actually having a space program while at the same time calling the moves ‘bold’, ‘visionary’ and ‘totally the right thing to do’.  Children across the world will now have to seek inspiration from Ben 10 or a cocktail of drink and drugs as there will be no more awe-inspiring adventures from NASA for the foreseeable future.

Critics of the cutbacks blame everything from sub-prime mortgages to the car industries inability to make a cheap, affordable and above all reliable flying car. Peter Parker, a photographic journalist, said “I really… like… totally… argh about this.  I mean, c’mon!  I wanna see people walkin’ on the moon and I expect my government to front up billions for that moment.  Until we send someone up how can we look at our parents in the face and say we’re better than them.  Isn’t that the point?  It’s not exactly going to be a hard day at the office for our kids to be way better than us as it stands.  I feel completely uninspired right now.”

Critics of the critics hold a slightly different view.  Actually it’s completely different and the absolute opposite of the first lot of critics.  Clark Kent, a mild mannered reporter and suspiciously well-built for such a pusillanimous demeanor, said “I am completely in agreement.  Constellation was a paint job on the Saturn rockets.  Instead of that totally sixties black and white pattern they painted them white and mustard.  How 21st century is that.  That was sarcasm by the way.  I was hoping for something more like a big glass egg with a fat engine on the back.  Y’know like something from Krypton, not that I have any idea what that might look like of course.”

Obama might have said in a statement this morning “Look, let me be absolutly clear on this.  Constelation was a crock!  Ares V was just a massive phalis made by a bunch of geeks who haven’t seen daylight since Halo 2 was released.  If it makes you feel better we are doing everything we can to put those cute Mars rovers in to as much trouble as possible because we can’t afford them either.  Pheonix, thankfully, died a horrible death so no more money for that too.  So, that just leaves flying cars…”