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Cowell To Use Haiti Crisis for Pop Revival

Cowell Expects to make millions out of the Haiti Disaster

Simon Cowell has vowed to restore flagging careers and make millions in profit by fast tracking a ‘charity’ single for the Haiti Relief fund.  The pop guru is in contact with many failing and under-exposed pop stars to record an awful version of a terrible song and so far Cheryl Cole is the only confirmed desperado to become involved, but the list is potentially endless.

Will Young, Rick Waller, Shane Ward and Jedward are expected to take part with their fee’s being the only stumbling block.  Waller had been tipped off that Ward could receive up to £35 for his inclusion in the money-spinner and it is said he became enraged and threatened to pull out of rehearsals unless his fee was raised to at least £30.  Cowell himself is rumoured to be taking a cut of the profits, approximately 70%, which would mean the most that could be donated to Haiti relief wouldn’t exceed 0.2% of profits.

Simon Cowell has already instructed the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to waive VAT on the single to maximise profits which should mean that Simon Cowells dentist will finally get paid off for all that dazzling work he has done.

Cowells teeth became the subject of environmental outrage last week when it was speculated that 3% of all carbon emissions globally were the result of too many white pixels on television sets from Simon Cowells toothy grin.  Environmentalists insisted that it requires more power to display white pixels and given the amount of television Cowells teeth get he would be better to paint them black.  This, say the hippies, would result in a reduction of power production and thus reduce carbon emissions.  Cowell dismissed them as “poor and dull, they could be the worst people I have ever had to terminate”.