Cadburys Dairy Milk to Become Yellow and Rubbery
The All New Kraft Dairy Milk, which is actually just fake cheese.
New Cadbury owner, Kraft, are to re-launch Dairy Milk as yellow, rubbery, cheese-esque product that can supplement burgers or sandwiches. The new product will lose the designation of actually being chocolate and cannot qualify as cheese either, but this is “a good thing” according to a rotund American who speaks on behalf of The Benevolent and Peaceful Empire of Kraft. Randy Hopkirk, Imperial Spokesman, said “Imagine a world where chocolate is neither chocolate nor cheese! Can you imagine such a place? Well we can – and we think you’re gonna like it a whole lot. We’re gonna go ahead and make your treasured chocolate a cheese-flavored rubbery burger supplement and we know you’ll love it as much as we do!”
Great spin from the Empire but Britons are less enthusiastic. Tom Pretty, a Carol Kirkwood fancier, said “If I wanted crap cheese to put in my burger I wouldn’t buy a chocolate bar! I’m so angry right now I could… I could… oh, hang on… Carol’s giving the weather, ain’t she so hot! Cadbury’s? Whatever, mate.”
A pending amendment to the Wikipedia entry for Cadbury reads “Cadbury ceased trading in 2010 after pulling their pants down for a good shafting by the yanks. They justified this corporate sodomy by proudly displaying the final amount each board member was likely to receive – a staggering £35,562,946 each. The sell-out resulted in the highest single day unemployment rise in the UK history as well the least successful product boycott since Britons got mildly annoyed with Esso.”
A banner reading “Long Live the Empire” has been raised from Cadbury HQ in Bournville. The village is expected to be renamed Kraft-Cheese-is-good-you-ville by next week.
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